I Couldn't Celebrate

Today is my birthday. It was probably the worst birthday I’ve ever had. This evening we went to a viewing. It wasn’t a sad but peaceful “he had a good long life” viewing. It was a shocking and tragic “he was 14-years-old and passed away after going into anaphylactic shock caused by a cookie he ate.”

This has been hard for our family. Both Daniel and Nathan have spent time with this young man (his name was Tanner) in scouts and their priesthood quorum. Matthew and Tanner had similar allergies and Tanner is the one who loaned Matthew his football uniform for Halloween a couple of year ago. Tanner’s mom was my visiting teacher for a year or so and we both have food allergy kids so that was definitely something we talked about. So yeah, it has been hard.

It has been much harder on me that I would have expected and I know it’s because of the way Tanner died. This dear family is living my worst nightmare. In my nine years as a food allergy mom, I’ve had a lot of different emotions: sorrow, discouragement, disappointment, fear, anxiety, worry, relief, hope, my emotions have run the full gamut. But the one thing I’ve never been is angry. I’ve just always known that this was one of the trials that my family and I signed up for and that whatever happened, the Lord would see us through.  But this week I spent a few days being angry. I was angry at this anomaly in their bodies that turns ordinary foods into poisons and is killing our kids. But the anger passed, and now there’s just sorrow. And fear. When I did the grocery shopping last week, I was reading labels just like I always do and when I found a couple of new products that were safe for Matthew and Malia, the little voice in my head told me that it wasn’t worth trying and I nearly put them back on the shelf. But I stopped, realizing that I can’t live like that. I can’t bubble wrap (or starve) my kids just because I’m freaking out. And I can’t take away their opportunities to try new things and expand their diets just because of a completely warranted but still irrational fear that anything new will be harmful. So I’m having a hard time. But I’ll be ok.

The boys are still struggling as well. Daniel is a pro at ignoring the harsher truths of life when he wants to, but going to the viewing made things very real very fast. Of all my kids, he is the one who has had the hardest time adhering to our necessarily strict foods rules. But all of a sudden, he’s been given a big dose of reality and a bit of fear for his siblings has crept into his thoughts. I suspect there will be fewer eye rolls in the future when I remind him to wash his hands or be super careful with his Snickers bar.

Of all the kids, I think this has hit Nathan the hardest. He found out about Tanner at school when the school counselor called him down to the office to see if he was ok. He was struggling to accept it all and kept saying things like, “I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around this,” or “But I just saw him last night.” After the viewing he told me that the closer we got to the front of the line (the response and support from the entire community has been huge so we waited quite a while to pay our respects and speak to Tanner’s family), the more he realized that he was not emotionally ready. I told him that we can never be emotionally ready for these things and that’s when the Lord steps in and holds us up.

Matthew is scared. He won’t say he is, but he is. And he has every right to be. I may be the food allergy mom who is afraid for her child, but he’s the food allergy kid who is allergic to far too many things. He’s the one who has the make sure that every bite that goes in his mouth is safe. He’s the one who has to take the risk each time we try something new. He hasn’t been eating his lunch at school, something that has happened before when he was afraid. So we keep reminding him that he is smart, that he knows what to do and that he is very careful. He always has been and as a result, he’s never needed to use his Epipens. We keep reminding him of these things and I think he’ll be just fine, but it is a lot for a 9-year-old to deal with.

My kids have been very blessed thus far in that their lives have not been touched much by death. This is really the first time someone they are close to has passed away. And the circumstances of his death have made it even harder for us. So there was no celebrating, no candles or cake, just a sick feeling in my stomach and a fervent prayer that my kids I would receive the comfort they need.

Welcoming the New Year

The last few New Year’s Eves have seen us celebrating with friends. We eat dinner, play games, usually celebrate the new year as it rolls into New York and get home to put the little ones to bed at a somewhat decent time. Kev and I have become a bit hermitish over the years, so it has been nice to get together with people we know and like. Last night we had a grand time, discovered a super fun new board game (it’s already in my Amazon wish list), cheered the new year in at 10:00 and managed to get to bed in enough time that I wasn’t a complete mess at 9:00 church this morning. Malia also had some hands on experience with birds. Super low key and super fun!

Reflection

When I get to the end of each year, I often find myself reflecting on the year past, trying to decide if we had a good year or a bad one. As with most years, this one had some of each. We’ve had our struggles and there were tears shed and sleepless nights, but I think this year’s trials have left me feeling closer to the Lord and more sure of my faith. We’ve had our triumphs as well, and those have left me with a deep sense of gratitude for the great blessings I have been given. The Lord’s tender mercies are in the forefront of my mind as I recognize how we have been guided and directed and calmed and comforted. I think I’m a little bit closer to the person the Lord wants me to be and as a family, I think we are one step closer to our goal of eternal life. We still have miles to go, but our path has straightened just a bit (at least for now) and I’m counting the blessings that have been showered upon us this year.

The new year is still a great unknown, but with the Lord at the helm I know that no matter where it leads us, all will be well.

Once Upon a Dream

This morning Malia told us that she had a good dream. She was a princess and the prince was the fuzzy guy from Monsters, Inc. They danced and danced which is why it was a good dream and they liked each other. Now the princess part is not at all unexpected, but the part that cracks me up is that Sully was her Prince Charming. That is definitely the sign of a girl who is well rounded, open minded and has three older brothers. ;-)

Silent Night

Having Christmas fall on a Sunday is always nice. We had church at 9:00 this morning and the ward choir sang. It has been a stressful choir season for me. We had a ward boundary change in September which meant we added some new voices to our choir. That has been a blessing, but it meant that we basically started over as far as learning our Christmas music is concerned. The ward that meets before us has also been getting out of sacrament meeting late fairly consistently which means that we’ve only had 20-30 minutes for choir practice each week. As a result, we ended up dropping one of the songs I had planned to sing and switching to a much easier arrangement of another one. It all worked out just fine in the end though. When the Spirit joins the choir, all the drama falls away.

We worked our Christmas traditions around sacrament meeting. We opened our stockings and Santa gifts before church and did the others afterward. Kevin’s mom was sick and so his parents didn’t join us for dinner like they usually do. It made the day even just a touch calmer. We still had a great day, but it all felt a little bit slower and low key to me.

When Daniel got his new clarinet last June, he was told that it was his Christmas and birthday presents for the next three years. As such, he wasn’t expecting anything big. He did get a small Lego set, Doctor Who Clue, and a hat rack for his ever expanding collection of fedoras.

Nathan has been asking for the Lego Mindstorms kit for the past three years. It is the Lego robotics kit. It is pretty pricey, but Santa decided this year was the year and Nathan was totally thrilled. Yes, I know he looks like we asked him to eat worms in the picture, but he really was excited. He spent as much time this afternoon and evening as we would let him building and programming.

Nathan has always been intrigued by magic tricks. At several times in the past, he tried to teach himself to do card tricks but he always got frustrated because he couldn’t make it all work. In the past couple of months, he tried again and due to the fact that his hands have grown and he can handle a deck of cards with ease, he’s had a lot more success. For Christmas Malia gave him a giant deck of cards. And by giant, I mean as big as his head. When he opened it, he laughed for a full five minutes. In all honesty, I laughed too. The things are enormous.

Matthew got the Lego fire station. Matthew also received a big old Nerf gun, one that he has had his eye on for the last while. The thing has batteries and can belt out a hundred bullets in about 30 seconds. He also got a big coffee table book of the Superbowl. He was super excited about everything, hence the maniacal smile in all his pictures.

Malia wrote out a Christmas wish list back in November. She left it out with Santa’s cookies and apparently he thought her requests were very reasonable because she asked for her own bin of markers, a new doll, and her own train. She received the doll, the train (that works on the multitude of tracks we accrued when the boys were into Thomas the Tank Engine), and an entire bin full of art supplies. Not only did she get her own bin of markers, but she got the big box of crayons, colored pencils, watercolors, paint brushes, glue sticks, scissors, a pencil sharpener, a folder filled with a variety of papers, and tape…so…much…tape. She has a tendency to use a lot of tape and Santa definitely catered to that tendency.

Over the years, I’ve made fleece jackets for the family. We call them fuzzies. The boys have all received several in their lifetimes and Malia has worn many of the hand-me-downs, but she has never had one of her very own so I decided this year was the year for her to get her own. December was super busy and I didn’t get it done when I wanted and as a result, I ended up feeling kind of stressed about getting in all done. But this moment made up for all of the stress:

And then she proceeded to put it on and has worn it all day.

Kev got a little programmable computer called a raspberry pi and I got a new kindle and Downton Abbey blurays. Everyone was terribly pleased with what they got and just as pleased that the gifts they chose for others were so well received. It makes me so proud that they take as much pleasure in giving as they do.

The snow started to fall last night. This morning we woke to the hush of the world blanketed in snow. With the holiday falling on Sunday, it is particularly quiet and calm. Now the kids are sleeping and I’m nearing the end of my day as well. I’m grateful for the many blessings we have been given this year. I hope this calm can continue although I know that the frantic pace of our lives is sure to kick back in sooner than I’d like. But for this minute at least, it’s quiet. It is a truly a silent night, a night of quiet and peace.

Deck the Halls...

....with boughs of holly

We started off this holiday season by putting up our Christmas decorations. For the first time in many years, not all the fragile ornaments were on the top of the tree! With no more babies or toddlers in the house, we were able to distribute the breakables all over the tree. Malia and her cousin Kate lucked out and got to decorate two Christmas trees each because they helped my parents decorate their tree.

'Tis the season to be jolly…

We kept ourselves busy all month with parties, games, activities, etc. We attended our ward Christmas party in which Daniel and Matthew were shepherds in the lamest nativity reenactment I’ve ever seen. All the characters just walked in circles around the stage over and over while Kevin read the nativity story from the scriptures. Daniel in particular thought it was super dumb and I don’t blame him. The party was a big success for Malia though. She got to run around with her friends and got to talk to Santa. She was super excited about the whole thing (even though she does not look excited in the picture) and was not ready to leave when the party was over.

We also went to Kev’s extended family gathering and Daniel and Nathan impressed everyone with their musical skills. This evening we gathered with my family and after dinner the little kids participated in a less-lame-but-probably-a-bit-more-sacrilegious nativity reenactment. There were fewer participants than in the past as all the cousins Nathan’s age decided they were too old for such things. However, Nathan did step in to help Malia gain the appropriate altitude for her role as the angel. Matthew and Drew were the silliest wise men ever.

Matthew and Malia were off-track all month, so we did our activity advent to keep them entertained. We made cookies, read stories, played games and did a variety of crafts. We tried to do the things the big boys were interested in on the weekends so they could participate as well.

We even sent a Christmas card and wrote a family newsletter!

Don we now our gay apparel…

My niece Sarah got married on Dec. 17 and she asked the little cousins to be flower girls so I spent much time (and only used a few swear words ;-) ) sewing a super full, totally spin-worthy dress that Malia loved. The whole wedding had an Audrey Hepburn feel and the style of the dress was a perfect fit.

Troll the ancient Yuletide carol…

I missed Daniel’s concert in the fall because Malia was sick, but we both got to attend his Christmas concert. I was very impressed! In spite of having three different directors in three years, the band program at the high school is going strong and I was really impressed with how good they are. Daniel is in the jazz band (which only has 16 kids in it including the pianist and the percussionist) and the wind symphony (which is the audition only band). Having missed the fall concert, I did not realize how few of the other sophomore bandies we know are in those two groups. It made me one proud mama. 😊

Nathan also had a Christmas concert. It is a pleasure for him to be in a choir composed of people who want to be there rather than being in one full of kids who are in choir because they hate it less than band or art. Having some desire to be there means the kids actually look like they are having fun and the choir director always chooses some super fun songs. As the closing number of the concert, all the choirs sang a song together. They sang in a completely darkened auditorium and as they sang battery operated candles lit up all around the room and up the aisles. It was a really lovely effect and a great touch for a holiday themed event.

Malia didn’t have a concert, but she did have her very first dance recital. She tap tapped and tippy toed to some Christmas music and while she said she did a great job on her tap number, she forgot her ballet number and told me so after the fact. She loved wearing the sparkly (glitter shedding) costume and had a great time. I do need to tell her to smile while she dances though so she doesn’t look so grim.

The recital was also a big night for Nathan. He is on stage crew at the middle school this year and the dance studio rented the auditorium for the evening. Unfortunately, the stage crew kids could not get into the school when they needed to and as a result, there were some technical difficulties during the recital because they had no time to do the pre-show checks that they normally do and the previous rental group had changed a bunch of things in the booth and on the stage. He was pretty stressed out. But Kev bought him a shake on the way home by way of emotional therapy and he was able to shake it off pretty well. And as a random note, Nathan is going to be cleaning up glitter for a very long time.

So it has been a busy season for us. But we’ve had a lot of fun and we’ve definitely sung some fa la la’s!

Seamstress Stress

Sixteen Candles

So Daniel had a birthday yesterday. It was a big one-16! And you know what? I didn’t take any pictures. His desires for a party were so low key that it didn’t even occur to me. He just wanted some friends over for pizza, cake and a movie which was a completely easy thing for me. He didn’t even want any fancy cupcakes, just edible ones. He and his friends (approximately half of whom were girls 😳) ate a bunch of pizza, told a lot of band jokes, watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, laughed some more, sang the birthday song (after which I commented that I could tell they were band geeks and not choir geeks 😉), ate some cake and ice cream and laughed some more. They had a great time.

When we celebrated Daniel’s birthday at my folks’ house, I still didn’t take any pictures but at least Kev took a video so I could take a still shot from there.

In the past year, Daniel has grown a lot. He’s about 5’10” and has become my secondary “Hey, will you get that down for me?” person. He is learning to drive and as a result, he has actually started paying more attention to the world around him. He works hard at his school work, even harder at his music, and has a tendency to get cranky if he doesn’t get enough practice time in. (Totally true-we never have to tell him to practice.) He has become one of the new high school band teacher’s go-to guys and is discovering a world full of new music in jazz band. It’s hard to believe that my first born is old enough to date. Time has gone by so quickly. There will be many more milestones in the next few years and I suspect they will all come too soon.