Today is my birthday. It was probably the worst birthday I’ve ever had. This evening we went to a viewing. It wasn’t a sad but peaceful “he had a good long life” viewing. It was a shocking and tragic “he was 14-years-old and passed away after going into anaphylactic shock caused by a cookie he ate.”
This has been hard for our family. Both Daniel and Nathan have spent time with this young man (his name was Tanner) in scouts and their priesthood quorum. Matthew and Tanner had similar allergies and Tanner is the one who loaned Matthew his football uniform for Halloween a couple of year ago. Tanner’s mom was my visiting teacher for a year or so and we both have food allergy kids so that was definitely something we talked about. So yeah, it has been hard.
It has been much harder on me that I would have expected and I know it’s because of the way Tanner died. This dear family is living my worst nightmare. In my nine years as a food allergy mom, I’ve had a lot of different emotions: sorrow, discouragement, disappointment, fear, anxiety, worry, relief, hope, my emotions have run the full gamut. But the one thing I’ve never been is angry. I’ve just always known that this was one of the trials that my family and I signed up for and that whatever happened, the Lord would see us through. But this week I spent a few days being angry. I was angry at this anomaly in their bodies that turns ordinary foods into poisons and is killing our kids. But the anger passed, and now there’s just sorrow. And fear. When I did the grocery shopping last week, I was reading labels just like I always do and when I found a couple of new products that were safe for Matthew and Malia, the little voice in my head told me that it wasn’t worth trying and I nearly put them back on the shelf. But I stopped, realizing that I can’t live like that. I can’t bubble wrap (or starve) my kids just because I’m freaking out. And I can’t take away their opportunities to try new things and expand their diets just because of a completely warranted but still irrational fear that anything new will be harmful. So I’m having a hard time. But I’ll be ok.
The boys are still struggling as well. Daniel is a pro at ignoring the harsher truths of life when he wants to, but going to the viewing made things very real very fast. Of all my kids, he is the one who has had the hardest time adhering to our necessarily strict foods rules. But all of a sudden, he’s been given a big dose of reality and a bit of fear for his siblings has crept into his thoughts. I suspect there will be fewer eye rolls in the future when I remind him to wash his hands or be super careful with his Snickers bar.
Of all the kids, I think this has hit Nathan the hardest. He found out about Tanner at school when the school counselor called him down to the office to see if he was ok. He was struggling to accept it all and kept saying things like, “I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around this,” or “But I just saw him last night.” After the viewing he told me that the closer we got to the front of the line (the response and support from the entire community has been huge so we waited quite a while to pay our respects and speak to Tanner’s family), the more he realized that he was not emotionally ready. I told him that we can never be emotionally ready for these things and that’s when the Lord steps in and holds us up.
Matthew is scared. He won’t say he is, but he is. And he has every right to be. I may be the food allergy mom who is afraid for her child, but he’s the food allergy kid who is allergic to far too many things. He’s the one who has the make sure that every bite that goes in his mouth is safe. He’s the one who has to take the risk each time we try something new. He hasn’t been eating his lunch at school, something that has happened before when he was afraid. So we keep reminding him that he is smart, that he knows what to do and that he is very careful. He always has been and as a result, he’s never needed to use his Epipens. We keep reminding him of these things and I think he’ll be just fine, but it is a lot for a 9-year-old to deal with.
My kids have been very blessed thus far in that their lives have not been touched much by death. This is really the first time someone they are close to has passed away. And the circumstances of his death have made it even harder for us. So there was no celebrating, no candles or cake, just a sick feeling in my stomach and a fervent prayer that my kids I would receive the comfort they need.
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