“Your Best Days are Ahead”

At the last general conference in April, Emily Belle Freeman spoke about “Best Days and Worst Days.” It was one of those talks that felt like it was given just for my sisters and I. We had a lot of worst days in March as Esther was diagnosed with cancer and test results were less positive than we hoped. There were a lot of tears shed, and a lot of heartfelt prayers offered. I found hope in Sis. Freeman’s message that no matter how difficult things are now, that our best days are ahead. That is the promise of the gospel through the atonement of Jesus Christ. But despite that promise, mortality is hard. We do our best to keep an eternal perspective in mind, but often those best days don’t come when we want them to. Sometimes we are asked to wait many months or years. And sometimes those blessings won’t come until well past our mortal lives. But they will always come. That was the crux of her message.

One thing I have been reminded of often in the past six months is that even the little wins constitute a best day. Some of the little wins that I have seen despite the difficulties of the past months is the fact that my sisters and I have pulled together. While we have had our moments of conflict from time to time, for the most part we have gotten along well. We all consider our sisters friends, but I think our relationships have been strengthened. We all have different talents and skills and there has been a need for all of them at one time or another. I feel like it is only together that we have been able to meet this trial head on.

Another small win has been seeing just how many people are ready and willing to serve and lift any one of us when we need help. Not only has our family mobilized to provide Esther with the support and help she has needed, but her friends and her ward members have risen up and filled in all the gaps. There has been an outpouring of love for her as she has faced this huge bump in her road.

A personal win has been the fact that as I have turned to the Lord in sorrow and fear, He has taught me just a little bit more about the kind of peace that I can find as I yoke myself with Him and lean on Him no matter what is happening in my life or the lives of those I love.

So despite the less than positive circumstances, there have been best days of a sisters’ outing to Color Me Mine, days when rides to a multitude of medical appointments were covered by many different people who selflessly took time away from their own lives to fill a need, and a day when I was taught just a little bit more about exactly what it means to find peace through Jesus Christ and was blessed with more peace than I had felt in months, maybe even years.

The chemo unit at IMed has a celebration bell that their patients get to ring as they walk out of their last treatment. Esther got to ring the bell today. 

Today was a best day.

And there are more to come.

Prodigious Pastry

Today Malia got to enjoy the leftovers of her birthday treat. With the cinnamon roll on a plate rather than in the pan, it is easier to see just how gigantic it is. For reference, that is not a dessert plate. It is a normal 9-inch lunch plate. And she assures me it was just as good today as it was yesterday. 

Birthday Buns

As of yesterday, Malia is officially fifteen. Old enough to learn to drive. Starting high school. Navigating the complex social structure of the teenage world. Juggling social engagements with homework. Thinking about what to do after high school. It seems like just yesterday that she was laughing to wake me in the morning. Charming her older brothers into doing everything for her. Stealing Matthew’s Ironman action figure. Starting kindergarten at four years old. Filling sketchbook after sketchbook with drawings of dragons. The time has gone by so fast. It is a bit hard to believe that if I round by fives, she is closer to 20 than she is to 10. Closer to moving out. Closer to being an adult. Closer to discovering whatever life has in store for her. It can be a bit overwhelming to think about the fact that Kevin and I are only a few years away from being empty nesters. But I digress. I was talking about a birthday. A fifteenth birthday to be precise.

While we sang the official song and ate the official cake at my parents’ house a couple of weeks ago and Malia’s birthday present came earlier this summer in the form of a new phone, there were some traditional celebratory elements to her actual birthday. Malia started off her day with a birthday shopping trip and lunch with Kevin’s mom. Nathan was invited to join the event as chauffeur, so the three of them hit Barnes and Noble, Smith and Edwards, and ate lunch at Raising Cane’s, one of Malia’s favorites. While she was out, Kevin went a bit wild and came home with a plethora of balloons. Seriously. So many balloons. It was highly entertaining! My birthday balloons lasted almost seven months before the last one lost its lift this year and Kevin’s mom’s balloons lasted eight months. Malia is hoping one of hers can beat that eight-month mark. We’ll see how it goes. Check back around Easter and we'll see if there are any still hanging around. 😂

While Malia was gone, one of the young women leaders in the ward dropped by a small gift for her and stuck a “Honk, it’s my birthday” sign in our front yard. Malia liked the small gift as this particular leader is in the know where her allergies are concerned and as such, all the treats included were ones she could eat. However, she was not a fan of the sign. She isn’t one to publicize her birthday, and it was just a bit too public. But we enjoyed it and Nathan made sure to honk when they got home after lunch and saw the sign. Kevin was inclined to honk as well but caved to Malia’s preferences and gave a vocal honk rather than a vehicular one. 😉

Over the past few years, Malia has discovered that she likes collecting coins. (It is an interest she shares with Matthew, which is fun for both of them.) As such, a trip to the coin shop to see what they have in stock is always fun. So, after lunch, Kevin took Malia up to a local coin shop that they like. They arrived home just in time for the three of us plus Nathan (have I mentioned that we are all enjoying having him closer to home? Because we are. 😄) to make our way to the Olive Garden, another of Malia’s favorites, for dinner. Knowing that she would be full to bursting with breadsticks, cheese sticks, and alfredo after dinner last night, Malia opted to hold off on her birthday dessert until today. But the evening of her birthday held several more surprises. I had one small present for her, “It's My Bird-day,” a book in the pigeon book series she has loved since elementary school. It was also a book she read to me while we were in Target a couple of weeks ago, one she commented would be fun to have. As a birthday gift. Wink, wink. Daniel and Tawni called to wish her a happy birthday and Matthew, who arranged a time with us when he called last week, called to talk specifically to her for her birthday. Having the opportunity to call home on special days and holidays has been nice for us. And for Malia, who has missed Matthew, ending her birthday with a good long chat with her brother was the perfect gift.  

Speaking of Matthew, this next birthday element can be largely attributed to him. A number of years ago, when Matthew was still in middle school, he was invited to an awards ceremony. The school was planning to serve cinnamon rolls and knowing that Matthew wouldn’t be able to eat them, I provided some that he could eat. And also knowing that cafeteria cinnamon rolls are always big, I made our standard homemade cinnamon rolls gigantic. (The funny thing is that I packaged them in a plastic clamshell container like Kneaders uses for sandwiches and such, so when I initially offered them to Matthew, he looked at them and waved them away assuming they were not safe for him to consume. I guess that means they were up to cafeteria size standards. 😂) The long-lasting result of that particular endeavor is that since that day, I have not once made normal sized cinnamon rolls. My kids always want the ones that are as big as their faces. And honestly, who can blame them? Giant cinnamon rolls are so much more fun than the little ones! And that means when Malia requested cinnamon rolls for her birthday, it came as no surprise that she wanted BIG ones. So, this evening, we enjoyed a mega sized dessert. And it was mega good. I don’t begrudge any of the cooking or baking accommodations I have made over the years to allow Matthew to eat safely, but one of the things I have missed is real cream cheese icing. Especially slathered on a warm cinnamon roll. It was an ooey, gooey, two hands sticky while I ate it delight. Malia enjoyed it as well. Especially since we didn’t make her blow out any candles this time around. And because she got first choice, she selected the biggest one, as well she should. The second biggest one is on reserve for her to enjoy tomorrow. 😉

For the past 25 years, the role of mother has shaped my days, my nights, and my life. As I watch my youngest child grow up, I am suddenly reminded that in not too many years, I will be faced with the fact that my children no longer need me in the same way they have in past. The child raising portion of my life will be done and the relationships I have with my kids will change, as they should. I’m already seeing that shift with all my boys. But having only one daughter, I am finding it a mixed bag to see her grow up. One the one hand, I am loving the relationship that is developing between us. It is different than my relationship with my boys. And Malia is so, so funny! She is witty and sarcastic and not afraid to say what she really thinks, and it just makes me laugh. Every time she cries while reading a book or watching a movie, she turns around and blames it on me, which makes me laugh too. Her confidence has blossomed in the past several years and it has been so great to see her find her place in the world. On the other hand, I kind of miss those days when she watched Rapunzel twice or thrice daily, loved Ladybug Girl, wanted to be a princess every year for Halloween, and would let me experiment with cute hairstyles. The time seems to pass so quickly and on occasion, I feel like I blink and another year is gone. But it also means that I’m more grateful for the little things, the day-to-day opportunities to bond with my daughter, and I’m trying not to take any of them for granted. 

So happy birthday to my girl child. Hopefully the next year will hold even more joy and goodness.

It’s Still a Small World

Matthew sent us a picture via Messenger this morning promising he would tell us a story when we spoke. This evening he shared the story associated with the picture. Apparently, one of his seminary teachers is on his email list, but he honestly thought she wasn’t getting his mission emails. This week, she was at church headquarters and happened to run into previous President, now Elder H. She mentioned that she has a former student serving in Arkansas, and when asked for a name, mentioned Matthew. Elder H broke out into a big smile and proceeded to tell this sister that he loves Matthew. The seminary teacher sent the picture and the anecdote to Matthew via email, and it made his day. He has such great love and respect for Elder Hathaway, and it was so very heartwarming to know that he is held in high regard as well.

Sometimes the little things are the big things. A chance encounter was an opportunity for Matthew to be reminded that his former mission president, while now serving in a different capacity, still loves all those missionaries that he served with in Arkansas.

I Am Ironman

Malia’s birthday is a few weeks away, and as such, this evening was her birthday celebration at my parents’ house. Over the past few weeks, she has begun to dig into the massive tangle of movies that is the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It started with her watching a few Spiderman movies so that she could see the newest one in the theater with some friends and have the necessary background info needed to understand the plot. From there, she began delving into the beginning of this massive franchise, going back to the early Ironman and Captain America films. 

Somewhere along the way, she decided that she wanted an Ironman cake for her birthday. And this may seem hard to believe seeing that Matthew wore his Ironman costume every day for about three years, but I have never made an Ironman cake. I made Ironman cupcakes as part of the Avengers birthday party Daniel requested many years ago, but never an actual cake. Being that she is a teenager, and a highly opinionated one at that, the design was entirely in Malia’s hands. I tossed suggestions at her and showed her pictures of cakes posted on Pinterest, but the final decision concerning design came about after Kevin suggested she use Lego. 

The cake was one of the simpler ones I’ve decorated because all I had to do was frost it red and slap Ironman on top. But it was still highly effective and super fun! The cake itself was Malia’s favorite combination-vanilla cake with raspberry filling. And seeing that it was a traditional egg cake, I used a cake soak to make the layers extra moist and delicious. Egg-free cake is too delicate to hold up under a generous application of simple syrup which is why I’ve never tried it before, but let me tell you, I’ve been converted. It really did make the cake delightfully moist. It was enjoyed by all, and Malia and I came home with just enough cake left over for us to enjoy another slice tomorrow.

We will be sending Matthew pictures of this cake. I kind of suspect that Malia’s choice was influenced by the fact that Ironman is one of Matthew’s all-time favorites. And the fact that one of her first words was, “Ah-mah!” Meaning “Ironman.” She misses him and while her deep dive into the Avengers movies is the main motivation for this year’s cake theme, I suspect that it was also influenced by the fact that little things like this remind her of her big brother.

Genesis of a Neurosis

Ok. Full Disclosure. I have a serious issue with spiders. Growing up I was just fine. I live in an unfinished basement and that meant lots and lots of spiders. I didn’t let them take over or anything, but if I happened to come across one, it was no biggie to just smash that little (or big) creeper and be on my way. But then, when I was in high school, my friends and I decided to go see a movie and me, being super-duper smart in that moment, didn’t think to ask what we were seeing. I knew my friends had the same values I did and wasn’t concerned that I would end up in a theater watching a bunch of naked people running around or anything like that, so I just went along with the plan. We ended up seeing Arachnophobia and even then, at the outset, I didn’t have a problem. Unfortunately for me, partway through the movie there was a scene where one of those arachnids crawled into a guy’s ear. Havoc ensued and that was the death knell for my peaceful coexistence with spiders.

You see, we watched a lot of Star Trek at my house while I was growing up. And there is this whole plot line in the 1982 Wrath of Khan where a super creepy bug thing crawls into people’s ears and takes control. There is one scene where one of those critters crawls back out amidst blood and death and it very seriously creeped me out. Pretty much traumatized me for life. I could never watch that movie again. Even as an adult, I can’t watch it. And earwigs? They are on my zero-tolerance list. Not only do they look an awful lot like that giant Star Trek bug, but they have the word “ear” right in their name. Which of course, reminds me about bugs crawling into ears!

So, when I watched a spider crawl into an ear while sitting in a dark theater surrounded by my teenage cronies, all of a sudden that cast arachnids into a whole new, super creepy, childhood trauma kind of light. And I have never been the same. There was an occasion when I was living in that same basement, albeit a different room, after I graduated from college and came home late and night to find a massive spider on the bedroom wall. The beast was huge! And I knew there was absolutely no way that I was taking my eyes off that thing to let it crawl who knows where until I fell asleep and left my ears available to occupy. No. Freaking. Way. But I also knew that if I crushed it with one of my shoes, I would never be able to wear that shoe again without some serious heebie jeebies coming into play. And so, what did I do? I scampered across the hall, grabbed one of Rachael’s super chunky shoes, and killed that spider dead. The thing was so big that I heard it pop when I smashed it. [insert full body shudder here] It was seriously disgusting. 

Now that I’ve laid bare the origins of my very own arachnophobia (I think it’s kind of ironic that the name of the movie ended up being one of my actual fears), let me tell you what happened today. I was having a massage and as usual, the room was dim and quiet, very relaxing, very peaceful. Then all of a sudden, my massage therapist freaked out. She jerked and began cussing and while I was face down and couldn’t actually see her, I could sense her shudders and revulsion. She then proceeded to tell me that a spider had just dropped down from the ceiling onto my back. Which was sans clothing since I was in the middle of a massage. And what did I do? I calmly laid there and didn’t even freak out while she grabbed some tissues and killed that creepy bugger. Luckily for me, it was small enough that I couldn’t feel it crawling around. Because if I had, there would be absolutely no way that I could have held onto my calm demeanor. Even as I type this, all the hair on my arms is standing up and I’m wondering how in the world I managed to avoid screaming at her to, “Get it off me, get it off me, get it off me!” But at the time I was cool as a cucumber. And that’s what counts, right? 

So today, I feel like I accomplished a great feat. I faced…sort of…a spider and came out the champion. I wasn’t the one who actually killed it, but neither did I panic because it had a straight shot from my naked back to my exposed ear. 

As a conclusion to this peek into my disturbed psyche, I didn’t tell Rachael about the shoe until about ten years later. We were both married and had little kids by then and to her credit, she just laughed and asked which shoe I used. That’s one pretty amazing sister. 😂