I Needed an Attitude Adjustment

The chronic headaches and migraines have taken a toll on my life. I can’t even begin to count the many things I’ve missed and the many ways my day-to-day life has been impacted. And the emotional repercussions have been just as difficult to manage as the physical ones.  One of the things that has been really challenging is the fact that my hobbies, those activities that I love and do because they bring me joy and help relieve stress, have been seriously limited by the headaches. I have to be extremely careful about how long I sit and read a book because it will trigger a headache if I read too long. The same thing goes for time spent at the computer which means my ability to blog and do the digital scrapbooking I enjoy has been greatly diminished.  And any kind of sewing and quilting has been even more severely limited. I used to be able to sew for hours with no ill effects, but it got to the point where even a short time at the sewing machine would trigger a headache that would take me weeks to break. And I would lose even more time and miss even more events during those weeks. So, as time went by, the amount of time I spent quilting diminished as the activity that once brought me joy gave me only discouragement and depression. And eventually, I just stopped.

And that was my life for quite a few years. Computer time was managed with my eye on the clock to make sure I walked away before I had problems. Audiobooks became a fixture in my life so that I could feed my need for literature without too much eye strain. And projects that I had been so excited about got tucked away so they didn’t gather dust. I was surviving, but I definitely wasn’t thriving.

During all that time, I was constantly working to limit the impact of the headaches as much as possible. I worked with my neurologist. I visited the chiropractor. I worked with a physical therapist for a good six months. Exercise, including plenty of yoga and stretching, became a necessity in my life. Keeping a regular schedule became a priority so that I got enough sleep and never missed meals. Late night events were limited to those that really meant the most. I began doing a lot more online shopping for both delivery and store pick up so I could avoid going into stores where I knew the lighting was problematic for me. I started wearing sunglasses inside all the stores I did visit to limit the possibility of a light triggered migraine. I stayed inside as much as possible to avoid being triggered by heat or super bright sunlight. Basically, my life consisted of a non-stop battle to keep the migraines at bay so that I could feel as well as possible as often as possible. 

And then about a year and a half ago, things got much worse. Migraines are often accompanied by dizziness and nausea and the number of days when those kinds of symptoms were occurring escalated dramatically. I was spending whole days, and sometimes up to a week, feeling like garbage due to those kinds of symptoms. I was losing a lot of time and everything that wasn’t a necessity went by the wayside. For women, hormones can be a huge migraine trigger, and one that is completely uncontrollable. I’ve known that since I was in my 30’s. But my neurologist told me that as women age, the worst hormone triggered migraines occur as the regular hormone shifts become less predictable and hormone levels begin to fluctuate dramatically. She told me that things should settle down and likely be better than they have for years once all the unpredictable shifts calm down, but she warned me that it would be a bumpy ride. And it has been. Honestly, I was in survival mode more often than not. There were times when it was all I could do to get through the day without breaking down in tears due to the frustration and discouragement. 

But somewhere along the way, I realized that I needed to find some joy, something to offset all the difficulties. And I began to try to focus on what I could do instead of what I couldn’t do. I don’t remember exactly how I ended up there, but I figured out that if I sat at the sewing machine for five minutes, I was ok. Ten was a stretch, but I could do five. And if I did three five-minute rounds, I got fifteen whole minutes a day to work on something. I figured out that those fifteen minutes every day were a bit too much, so I cut back to every other day, and I seemed to do ok with that amount of time. So, bit by tiny little bit, I began to make some progress. And as I did so, I began to regain some of the joy I used to find in creating with fabric. There are still days when I have to fight the discouragement, and those days happen more often than I’d like, but being able to find even just a few minutes of joy has helped me weather the hard days a little bit more easily. And it means that while progress is super slow, there is progress being made. 

I have made a quilt for each of my children and while I started Malia’s quilt way back when she was three, I had not completed it due to all these limitations. It was quite a complicated pattern as well, with many tiny pieces and extra steps so that progress was slow, even when I was able to spend more than five minutes at my sewing machine. But as my five minutes at a time routine began to prove manageable, I pulled it back out and factoring in my time limitations, set myself a realistic deadline for getting it done. It has taken me an additional year, but I finally completed Malia’s quilt ahead of my goal of completion by her birthday, which is in August.

When my kids were tiny and were having conflict or misbehaving, rather than telling them they were being naughty or anything like that, because we never wanted them to feel like they were worthless or less important because of their emotions and choices, we told them they needed an attitude adjustment. This time it was my attitude that needed adjusting. I needed to remember to focus on the good, not the bad. To think about what I can do rather than what I can’t. And I needed to learn to internalize that fact that joy can be found every day, even if it is just five minutes at a time.

Big Shot

I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before, but in the past year, Matthew has come to really love wildlife photography. He spent most of last summer visiting places where he could take pictures of animals in their natural habitats. He has more pictures of birds than other animals, mostly because they are easier to find, but he has desires to find more wildlife for his photos. He even rented a professional quality camera a few months back and drove up to the bird refuge near Brigham City to spend a day nabbing some pics. He has a good eye and the patience to wait for the animals to appear, and his work has gotten really good. He took some pictures at a bird show last year and the non-profit who owns the birds uses his shots on their Instagram page. So, it’s not just me that thinks his work is good.

Last month a friend of Matthew’s told him that Herriman City was holding a wildlife photography contest. Matthew immediately decided to enter and spent several weeks combing through his portfolio trying to decide on which image to submit. He asked all of us for opinions and finally decided to submit a photo of a yellow headed blackbird, a picture that we all thought would be a fantastic option.

Our city is a small one and you have to be a resident of Herriman to qualify for the contest, so there were only about nine submissions. But as Matthew looked at some of the other images, he was sure that he would not win. He was looking at pictures taken by people with a lot more experience than he has and who own high end cameras that he certainly can’t afford right now. And yes, those pictures were amazing, but tonight the winners were announced, and Matthew won second place! There were cash prizes, which means he won $75, but that was not the exciting thing for him. Simply the fact that he won an award at all had him riding high! 

All the submissions will be posted in city hall for the week, which is not a super long time, but I’m thrilled that Matthew has gotten a bit of recognition for doing something that he loves and has a talent for. 

The Scriptures According to Malia

This is a transcription of actual unscripted events that occurred during our family scripture study this evening in which we were reading D&C 66, verse 2:

Malia: “Verily I say unto you, blessed are you for receiving mine everlasting covenant, even the fulness of my gospel, sent forth unto the children of men, that they might have life and be made pranksters…”

Kevin, Shauna, and Matthew: “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!”

For the Strength of Malia

Malia has spent the past week at her first ever FSY session. She arrived home this morning, exhausted but exhilarated by her experience. Other than the heat triggered migraine she had on Monday, she had an amazing week and came away having gleaned several truths that were exactly what she needed to learn. It’s one of those times when she was in just the right session with just the right teachers and leaders to learn exactly what the Lord wanted her to know. Seriously, no mistakes were made when she was assigned to that session. And when she shared her two big takeaways, my heart was filled with gratitude for the tender mercies that gave her exactly what she needed to deal with some of the difficult things in her life.

She did start off the week with a bit of exasperation though, for her at least. She roomed with Ellie, a friend from school that she considers one of her best friends. One of the interesting things about Malia and Ellie is the fact that they look very much alike. Ellie’s hair is red instead of Malia’s brown, but the resemblance is such that they get asked all the time if they are sisters. They even have teachers at school who mix them up. A few weeks ago, Malia got one of Ellie’s graded papers passed back to her even though they are in different class periods with the same teacher. Last week a classmate from school/church saw Ellie in mountain bike gear from afar and the next time he saw Malia at church he asked if she was a mountain biker. And things like that have been happening all year. The girls are not amused by the whole situation but the rest of us think it’s hilarious. We have told Malia just to milk it. Anyway, when she arrived at BYU on Monday, the “are you sisters?” thing came up a lot. They ran into a family that was in our ward until the boundary changes in the fall, and knowing that Malia doesn’t have a sister, they asked if Malia and Ellie were cousins The girls were once again a bit steamed about it, but Kevin advised Malia to take that one moment of irritation and then to just lean into the situation and make it fun!

Every session of FSY has different session leaders and the leaders for Malia’s session were a seminary teacher from American Fork and his wife. This particular brother’s teaching style really worked for Malia. She told me that the way he taught really caught her attention and she was able to learn so much. The sessions are large at BYU and while not all the kids had an opportunity to meet the leaders in person, Malia had the opportunity to talk to them one on one just long enough for her to express her thanks for being exactly the people she needed this week. And being able to convey her gratitude made her happy, which is another wonderful life lesson learned!

One of Malia’s highlights from the week was the fact that her session was the only session that had a live concert on the schedule. It was comprised of a number of church member artists who compose and perform youth music and was recorded to be aired worldwide in August. She met several of the performers, including one of Matthew’s favorites, and he was a little bit jealous of that. 😉 I think my favorite moment from that event was the fact that Malia was geeking out a bit about meeting Emily Belle Freeman, the current young women general president. Malia thought it was so cool to meet the “young women president of the whole world!” And you know what? It actually is pretty cool! In addition to her brush with fame, she came away having added some spiritually uplifting music to her playlists. In my opinion, that’s another big win. Pop style gospel music has never really been my kind of music, but if it strengthens and lifts my daughter, I can’t see any bad!

Malia has been struggling in our new ward. There are a multitude of reasons why, but this week, she got the spiritual nourishment and the insights she needed in that regard. One of the things she learned was that there are earthly angels all over and that belonging in a ward is not the same as belonging in the church. She may not feel like she fits into our current ward, but she definitely fits into the church. Another of the things that really stuck with her was the topic of one of the devotionals given by her session leaders. The catchphrase was to be a member of the crew rather than a member of the cruise. Those who are members of the cruise are there for all the fun stuff, but the members of the crew are actively involved in all the planning and prepping and work. Basically, the takeaway was to be anxiously engaged in the gospel, to be actively working to move forward in the gospel rather than just being along for the ride. And that analogy really worked for her. I think it is a clever one as well, and a good reminder for all of us.

Spending a week surrounded by kids who are all striving to live the gospel in a world that is hard was a huge blessing for Malia. I could see a new light in her eyes, a new confidence in the gospel that wasn’t there when she left home on Monday morning. I know that’s exactly what the program is for, but to see it working in the life of my child is a huge blessing. So here is a heartfelt thank you to all those counselors, teachers, leaders, advisors, organizers, and participants who made this week exactly what it was designed to be: for the strength of my youth.

The Gift of Food

Esther gave Nathan a birthday present. Knowing that he loves cooking, she gave him an oven mitt. But not just any oven mitt. It is a Snoopy oven mitt with ears and everything. Basically, it is a puppet that belongs in the kitchen. And Nathan is definitely enjoying his gift! Today he broke Snoopy in by making orange creamsicle cookies. He also used a gift one of his friends gave him for Christmas, some vanilla bean paste. So, he had the fancy vanilla and the fun oven mitt and created some fabulous cookies using gifts from his family and friends. And he had fun doing it! And if all those who know him well are very fortunate, he will feed them!

Divine Light

For a good year now, Matthew’s goal was to get to the temple for his own endowment as soon as possible after he graduated. He fulfilled that goal today and it was very much as soon as possible since graduation was last night! Our church leaders were a huge support in getting all his interviews done in a timely fashion, and our stake president was fantastic because he was completely fine with ordaining Matthew to the office of elder a few days before he actually graduated from high school so that temple day could happen today. 

Matthew has been a temple hopper ever since he got his driver’s license. He has driven all over the state doing baptisms at as many different temples as he could get to. During all those visits, he has come to list two particular temples as his favorites: the Brigham City temple and the Provo City Center temple. Brigham City is far enough away that it was not incredibly practical in terms of having any of his grandparents in attendance since age related health issues have seriously colored all their lives in the past few months, so Matthew settled on the Provo City Center temple. The only time I have been inside this particular temple was during the open house, so it was neat to be able to be able to spend some time there.

Since it was a weekday and there were family members who had to work or had health issues that prohibited their attendance, our group was fairly small. Besides Kevin and I, Daniel, Tawni, Nathan, Rachael, Esther, Michelle and Corynn were the only ones in the session. My parents were able to join us in the celestial room as attending the whole session was too rough today, and Aliese did baptisms at the same time as our session. Matthew has never been one who really liked being in the spotlight in his day-to-day life though, so a small group was perfect for him. 

While there were some nerves last night due to just doing something he had never done before, Matthew was very ready to take this step. He has been actively preparing for years and with the switch in the church to talking and teaching more openly about what happens in the temple, which we have taken to heart as a family, I think he was probably more prepared than many youth are to take the next step on the covenant path. When we met in the celestial room after the session, his eyes were so full of light. He has always been a person whose light shines brightly, and today he was just beaming. His first joy filled comment to me was, “I made it!” 

I know Matthew will return to the temple often. It is his refuge, his place of peace amongst the storms of life. When he is feeling stressed or anxious or overwhelmed, he retreats to the temple to quiet his mind and regain his perspective. He has already told me that he has so much more to learn, and I know that over time, he will continue to be taught. I suspect that regular temple attendance is one of the things he will miss while serving his mission. But I also know that taking this step, making the covenants he did today, will strengthen him in his missionary service.

Now we just need to let a few more years pass and continue to let Malia learn and grow so that she can join us in all the ordinances of the temple as well. And what a joyful day that will be! 

He’s Glad to Be a Grad!

Well, he finally made it. After fifteen years of school, the past three being spent in active anticipation for life after high school, Matthew finally graduated. The actual ceremony only lasted two hours despite the fact that there were 900 graduates in his class, and Kevin and I arrived on time despite the absolutely insane slowdowns that had us wondering if we were, in fact going to make it. Seriously, we are so, so very tired of all the road construction in our neck of the woods. There is literally no good way to get out of our corner of the valley right now. Everywhere we turn there are more traffic cones. Add 900 students’ worth of family all heading the same direction and you will have an idea of the traffic snarl we ended up navigating. But like I said, we made it, actually found a parking spot and two seats together, and felt like we lucked out a bit with the relative brevity of the event.

Matthew has been very involved in school activities pretty much ever since he hit 8th grade. Seventh grade happened during the covid shutdown, or I expect he would have been heavily involved that year as well. He has been in a concert type band and jazz band since 7th grade and added marching band once he hit high school. He jumped into the world of stage crew as an 8th grader and became the lighting lead at both his middle school and high school by the time he was done. And as a senior he added choir to his rolodex of activities. Add in three private trumpet students, involvement in the theater department from time to time, and a healthy dose of social activities, and we honestly haven’t seen Matthew in about five years. 😂 

The band didn’t play for graduation, but the choir students sang the school hymn (not the school song, our high school has two separate anthems) so Matthew got to sit right up front with all the madrigals which was exactly what he wanted. These are the kids who have been his social group all year, the ones who welcomed a band kid into the world of choir. Some of these kids are ones he has known since elementary school, and one of them was even in his preschool class. Along those lines, Matthew’s 6th grade teacher was at graduation. Matthew’s sixth grade class was his very first class, so he attended the graduation to basically commemorate his first year of teaching and celebrate those kids who were in his first class. Matthew met up with his little crew from that year and they were able to take a minute to celebrate this milestone in their lives. There were five of them that were in that class that are still friends. And several of them were in vocal jazz with Matthew his year. Thinking back on those days when they were small, it seems like time has gone very quickly.

As I’ve mentioned, Matthew is glad he is finally done. Over the past year, he has become increasingly more frustrated with some of the foibles of some of the teachers he has worked closely with. He is totally over all the high school social drama, although luckily, he has been able to ride mostly on the periphery of most of it. He is ready to be out on his own, to be his own boss, and to be able to take more control of his life. And for the most part, I think he is ready. Like all young adults, jumping into the real world can be kind of a shock, but we have tried to prepare him and teach him some of those necessary skills that being an independent adult requires. So hopefully he will transition fairly easily, because he will be leaving the safety of home pretty darn quickly.

I think today was one of those reality check days for me. Although we have known for months that Matthew would be going on a mission, we have all been in the mind set of “we can think about that after graduation.” Well, with graduation officially over, we have hit that “after” we have been talking about for months. And we don’t actually have all that long to get him ready to go. I guess life never actually slows down. It just changes direction once in a while. And it looks like it’s time for me to switch back into mission mom mode.

Bao Bounceback

Apparently, Nathan is my child. Because his bao did not turn out as beautiful as he would have liked last week, he made another batch today to redeem himself as a cook. I do things like that all the time. When something doesn’t turn out just right, sometimes most of the time I have to try again to get better results. And most often, I end up needing to try again immediately so my brain can let it go and allow me to sleep. It’s one of those perfectionist tendencies I have. And honestly, sometimes it is a little annoying. I mean, why is a less than perfect cookie so devastating that I have to make a new batch right now so that I can feel good about myself? Seriously, being a perfectionist can be a drag. But at least Nathan waited a whole week before he made bao again. I suspect that is a much healthier way to approach improving upon one’s cooking skills!

Daniel was at work this time, but Tawni was on board for another bao filled day and her sister Charlotte joined the crew as well. And I’m going to be honest. Charlotte, as a bao novice, created some beautifully pleated bao that are far prettier than I have ever been able to make. The unpleated ones still taste just as good, but gosh, I wish I could make them that pretty!

I guess that means I need to make more bao…right now. 😂 

D.C. al Fine

This evening was the annual band banquet and the very last band event of Matthew’s last year of high school. The title of the event was a misnomer as it actually wasn’t a banquet but an awards ceremony/end of year celebration/seniors’ spotlight with light refreshments. Basically, it was a chance for the band kids to look at all they have done this year, thank this year’s band leadership, introduce next year's band leadership, and recognize the seniors who have finished their high school band journey. While not all the seniors received awards, the band teacher did present some to those students he felt most deserved them. Matthew received the Quincy Jones Musicianship Award, for contributions and creativity in multiple areas of music. He also received his music letter award as well as the eight additional bars he earned for participating in many music related activities over the past three years. There is only one student in the school who earned more bars in music than Matthew did (the president of one of the choirs) and Matthew is very proud of how much he has accomplished.

This year’s band experience ended as it started for Matthew, with some disappointment, frustration, and maybe even a little anger. He didn’t always see eye to eye with the band teacher and honestly, he had just cause for irritation on many occasions. But we won’t dwell on that, we’ll just say that Matthew was extremely dedicated and gave his all to the band program for three years. He spent hours and hours practicing and without any professional guidance, despite years of trying to find a private teacher for him, his ability increased remarkably, and he came away an amazingly skilled trumpet player. He set some high goals for himself and accomplished most of them, still giving his all those that didn’t quite come to fruition. He has faced some challenges and been put in some difficult situations, but he has risen to the occasion time and time again. While not an actual award of any kind, I think the fact that he was the only student invited to play with Hot House West at the last Jazz Mentors clinic and performance of this year speaks highly of his technical ability as well as his musicianship.

I think overall, Matthew is leaving the high school band program with a bit of relief. He is ready for what’s next. And when he returns from his mission, he is very much looking forward to joining the college band community.

On a lighter note, I have several other band related comments. First, the cupcakes I made for Matthew were about a million times better than the Walmart bakery quality cupcakes the rest of us got. AND as of this evening, I have officially unsubscribed from the band calendar. And it makes me so very, very happy. Because some events were on there twice-once as an all-day event and once with actual times, although most of the time they were just listed as all day events because obviously no one needs to know what time things are actually happening. And there were events almost every single day for something or other related to band. And every once in a while, the band teacher’s dentist appointments and such would show up on the band calendar…basically, being able to unsubscribe has been a fast, easy way to clean up my entire calendar. So, I guess that means I’m a little bit relieved to be done with the high school band program as well. 😂

Jumping the Gun

Although Matthew doesn’t actually graduate until Thursday, he was given the Melchizedek priesthood and ordained to the office of elder today. This slightly premature ordination was done with the full support of the stake president so that Matthew can attend the temple for his own endowment this Friday. I’m so grateful that our leaders are spirit of the law folks as Matthew’s preferred temple will be closing for cleaning starting next week and the only time they had available for a living endowment was this Friday. We’ve reminded him that the ordinances are the same in all the temples, but he has favorites, and the specific temple really matters to him. So, I’m grateful everything is working out in order to accommodate his preference.

Matthew has never been one who loves to be the center of attention, so our gathering today was small, our immediate family (including Tawni), my parents, Cory, Michelle, Coryn and Aliese, with our stake high counsel representative rounded out our group. It was a quiet affair, but a big step forward for Matthew. And he has a few more big steps coming up later this week.