I Needed an Attitude Adjustment

The chronic headaches and migraines have taken a toll on my life. I can’t even begin to count the many things I’ve missed and the many ways my day-to-day life has been impacted. And the emotional repercussions have been just as difficult to manage as the physical ones.  One of the things that has been really challenging is the fact that my hobbies, those activities that I love and do because they bring me joy and help relieve stress, have been seriously limited by the headaches. I have to be extremely careful about how long I sit and read a book because it will trigger a headache if I read too long. The same thing goes for time spent at the computer which means my ability to blog and do the digital scrapbooking I enjoy has been greatly diminished.  And any kind of sewing and quilting has been even more severely limited. I used to be able to sew for hours with no ill effects, but it got to the point where even a short time at the sewing machine would trigger a headache that would take me weeks to break. And I would lose even more time and miss even more events during those weeks. So, as time went by, the amount of time I spent quilting diminished as the activity that once brought me joy gave me only discouragement and depression. And eventually, I just stopped.

And that was my life for quite a few years. Computer time was managed with my eye on the clock to make sure I walked away before I had problems. Audiobooks became a fixture in my life so that I could feed my need for literature without too much eye strain. And projects that I had been so excited about got tucked away so they didn’t gather dust. I was surviving, but I definitely wasn’t thriving.

During all that time, I was constantly working to limit the impact of the headaches as much as possible. I worked with my neurologist. I visited the chiropractor. I worked with a physical therapist for a good six months. Exercise, including plenty of yoga and stretching, became a necessity in my life. Keeping a regular schedule became a priority so that I got enough sleep and never missed meals. Late night events were limited to those that really meant the most. I began doing a lot more online shopping for both delivery and store pick up so I could avoid going into stores where I knew the lighting was problematic for me. I started wearing sunglasses inside all the stores I did visit to limit the possibility of a light triggered migraine. I stayed inside as much as possible to avoid being triggered by heat or super bright sunlight. Basically, my life consisted of a non-stop battle to keep the migraines at bay so that I could feel as well as possible as often as possible. 

And then about a year and a half ago, things got much worse. Migraines are often accompanied by dizziness and nausea and the number of days when those kinds of symptoms were occurring escalated dramatically. I was spending whole days, and sometimes up to a week, feeling like garbage due to those kinds of symptoms. I was losing a lot of time and everything that wasn’t a necessity went by the wayside. For women, hormones can be a huge migraine trigger, and one that is completely uncontrollable. I’ve known that since I was in my 30’s. But my neurologist told me that as women age, the worst hormone triggered migraines occur as the regular hormone shifts become less predictable and hormone levels begin to fluctuate dramatically. She told me that things should settle down and likely be better than they have for years once all the unpredictable shifts calm down, but she warned me that it would be a bumpy ride. And it has been. Honestly, I was in survival mode more often than not. There were times when it was all I could do to get through the day without breaking down in tears due to the frustration and discouragement. 

But somewhere along the way, I realized that I needed to find some joy, something to offset all the difficulties. And I began to try to focus on what I could do instead of what I couldn’t do. I don’t remember exactly how I ended up there, but I figured out that if I sat at the sewing machine for five minutes, I was ok. Ten was a stretch, but I could do five. And if I did three five-minute rounds, I got fifteen whole minutes a day to work on something. I figured out that those fifteen minutes every day were a bit too much, so I cut back to every other day, and I seemed to do ok with that amount of time. So, bit by tiny little bit, I began to make some progress. And as I did so, I began to regain some of the joy I used to find in creating with fabric. There are still days when I have to fight the discouragement, and those days happen more often than I’d like, but being able to find even just a few minutes of joy has helped me weather the hard days a little bit more easily. And it means that while progress is super slow, there is progress being made. 

I have made a quilt for each of my children and while I started Malia’s quilt way back when she was three, I had not completed it due to all these limitations. It was quite a complicated pattern as well, with many tiny pieces and extra steps so that progress was slow, even when I was able to spend more than five minutes at my sewing machine. But as my five minutes at a time routine began to prove manageable, I pulled it back out and factoring in my time limitations, set myself a realistic deadline for getting it done. It has taken me an additional year, but I finally completed Malia’s quilt ahead of my goal of completion by her birthday, which is in August.

When my kids were tiny and were having conflict or misbehaving, rather than telling them they were being naughty or anything like that, because we never wanted them to feel like they were worthless or less important because of their emotions and choices, we told them they needed an attitude adjustment. This time it was my attitude that needed adjusting. I needed to remember to focus on the good, not the bad. To think about what I can do rather than what I can’t. And I needed to learn to internalize that fact that joy can be found every day, even if it is just five minutes at a time.

Family, Food, Fun, and Faith

This past week has been a good week and a hard week all rolled up into one. As part of my ongoing battle with the migraines, I began seeing a physical therapist last week Friday. He evaluated posture, pressed pretty hard on a bunch of places on my skull, evaluated my dentation, current headache levels, etc. When he was done, I was dizzy, something he said is pretty normal considering everything he did. The dizziness passed after about five minutes and I felt fine the rest of Friday and all-day Saturday, so I figured I was doing ok. But I was wrong, so wrong.

Sunday was when the effects of the PT really kicked in. I woke up dizzy and remained that way until midway through the day on Tuesday. For those unfamiliar with the ravages of migraines, the symptoms are far more numerous than the blinding pain most people are familiar with. Symptoms can include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, flashing lights or visual blind spots (aura), flashes of heat, extreme fatigue, shaky hands, inability to focus, feeling like the world is literally spinning, and the list could go on. 

For me, sometimes the dizziness is bad enough that I can’t get out of bed. This time it was milder so I was at least functional, but I was definitely not functioning well. I could manage things if I was upright and as long as I didn’t look up, down, bend over, change my position, etc. All those things increased the dizziness. And it was the week of Thanksgiving, so I had a lot on my to-do list. Luckily, my extreme tendency to prepare in advance meant most of our feast was already prepared and in the freezer. Otherwise, we probably would have ended up eating chicken nuggets for Thanksgiving instead of turkey. I knew going in that things are going to get worse before they get better, but there was no way for me to know exactly what the ramifications of this first appointment would be. If I had, I would have postponed it, but hindsight is 20/20, right?

Having given that preface, this week’s events can be sorted into four basic categories: family, food, fun, and faith.

Family:

This one is obvious. Daniel and Nathan came home on Wednesday. They came by way of pie day at my mom’s house. That was when we got to visit with my parents and sisters and the cousins. My kids don’t get to see their cousins as often as they once did, so that is always a treat for them. 

On Thursday, my fabulous foursome spent the day together, playing games, laughing, joking. Matthew and Malia miss their brothers and don’t get to see them as often as they like, so they spent as much time with them as they could over this week. I love that my kids have gotten to the point where not only do they like each other, they spend time together on purpose and stay in touch regularly via the amazing technology to which we have access.

Yesterday was our gathering with Kevin’s family. Again, the kids got to visit with cousins they don’t see as often as they might like due to busy lives all around. But I know that these young ones stay in touch vis digital means as well, so they just might talk more often than I’m aware of, which is great. We had lunch, shared a few family history stories, some highly entertaining ones involving some…colorful ancestors. We listened to some musical numbers presented by my boys and watched a video of one of my niece’s recent ballet performances, one that we unfortunately missed due to conflicting schedules. Daniel and Nathan both had responsibilities in their own ward today, so they headed straight back to Logan after the party with a goodly amount of food in tow. 

As always, being able to spend time with family in all its various permutations was one of the highlights of the week. The older my kids get, the more I appreciate the time we have together. It is finite and never quite long enough, but we take advantage of the time we get. I did miss out on most of the fun board and card games due to the fact that I was not feeling my best and that was sad for me, but there will be other days and other weeks and hopefully the PT will end up being helpful over time.

Food:

Let’s face it. Food is an integral part of Thanksgiving. We all look forward to enjoying the traditional turkey dinner with a generous helping of pie by the side. I did manage to get all the expected dishes ready to eat at the appropriate times, but there were some necessary concessions made due to my headache status. The first were the pies. 

Tuesday was pie making day for me and while I managed to get them all baked, thankful that all my pie crust was made ahead of time and frozen, the aesthetics of said pies were far below my normal standard. They still tasted delicious, but they looked pretty darn sad. Don’t look for pictures. I’m far too particular to take photos of less than picture perfect food unless it is so bad it is laughable. And this year’s pies were not that far gone. They were just a little…rough around the edges. I managed to haul myself to pie day at my mom’s house on Wednesday, but I was most definitely not running on full steam, and I did not manage to stay as long as usual. I came home before all my kidlets did, and I’m glad most of them are old enough to drive so they could stay and visit with their cousins.

When I woke on Thanksgiving, I had taken another downhill slide headache wise. I wasn’t dizzy, but I felt pretty terrible. Since our inaugural Thanksgiving dinner at home in 2020, it is something we have come to love. One of the big reasons is the fact that everything on the table is safe for Matthew to eat, something that rarely happens elsewhere. There have been years when all he could eat was turkey and the rolls that I baked, and that is pretty sad. The downside to our smaller gathering this year is that cooking the whole dinner alone and with migraine symptoms is hard. But with the help of my fam, I managed the bare necessities foodwise which was roast the turkey and reheat all the previously frozen dishes. Once again, prepping in advance worked very much to my advantage this year. Due to my headache induced malaise, we simplified and ate buffet style rather than pulling out all the serving dishes for a nice, sit-down dinner, but being a little more casual this year was good and did nothing to diminish everyone’s enjoyment of the much-anticipated feast.

Fun:

As previously mentioned, as my kids have gotten older, they have come to value the time we have together more than they did when they were little. That is normal though, as they grow up and move out. At least, it is normal for families in which the siblings get along and actually like each other, and that is exactly what has happened for us. There were card games and video games (although not as many as in years past) and jokes and laughter and enjoyment all around. Sometimes it feels like my house is the location of a giant pun war and/or the residence of every bad dad joke in existence, but yes, that is fun too! Personally, I did not find this week as fun as I normally do, but that was another casualty of the headache. I hate missing out on the board games, but I was really not up to most of it this week. I am glad that the rest of my family still had a good time though. Matthew and Malia miss their brothers when they are away, so I know these times together are precious for them as well.

Faith: 

Friday morning was spent at the temple doing baptisms for the dead. That is another thing we have come to love since Malia was able to join us at the temple at the beginning of this year. Being in the temple as a family is always a reminder to me that one of the big purposes of the whole plan is just that: to bind us together as families. And remembering that the work we do in the temple allows other families to be sealed gives me such a sense of purpose as we serve there. I love that my kids love the temple as well. On Saturday morning, my boys spent another morning in the baptistry of another temple. It was a very early appointment and Malia really needed to sleep, so she did not join them, but that is ok too. Sometimes my boys need time with just their brothers. 

Our faith is an important part of our lives and being able to spend time together in spiritually focused activities is a blessing. While my older boys were not on hand early in the week when Kevin gave me a blessing related to my abysmal headache status, there have been times in past when we have had all three Melchizedek priesthood holders rotating to give blessings to each other, to me, and to Matthew and Malia. On those occasions, the Spirit is even stronger than normal in our home, and we grow even closer together and stronger as a family.

I suspect I will need to lean on my faith often as I continue down the PT path. I have been told there is help to be found through doing so, but if this week is any indication, it may be a rocky road to get there. I also know that these trying times can strengthen my faith if I allow them to do so, and that is one of the things I hope I can gain from this: increased faith in the Lord as I pray for ways to lessen the headaches and reclaim parts of my life that have become casualties to the migraines.                      

To sum it all up, this week has been a challenging one for me, but overall, the good eclipses the bad. I have been actively trying to simplify my life as I often make things much more complicated than they need to be. Being forced to simplify due to headache was not a great reason to do so, but the end result was good. It led to a relaxed, calm, enjoyable holiday where we were able to enjoy the company of our family in all its permutations, consume not quite obscene (but fairly close) amounts of food, laugh and joke and have fun with each other, and cap it all off by finding strength to do all things through our faith.

The Grid System: Brother Brigham Knew What He Was Doing

As the mother of three boys, I’ve learned more about planes, trains and automobiles than I ever wanted to know. In the early years, it started with Thomas the Tank Engine, moved on to Bob the Builder and was rounded out by Lightning McQueen. Over the ensuing years, those passions have become more real world and less cartoon focused. Daniel’s interest has pretty much become laser focused on airplanes and spacecraft while Matthew loves planes and has a healthy interest in cars as well. It helps that Kevin is also very interested in these types of vehicles as it gives them a common interest and some built-in hobby buddies. Nathan is the only one who kind of broke the mold and finds airplanes interesting but not fascinating. 

Having said all that, I don’t think we could actually ever plan a vacation without some or most of my boys searching out any airplane or space related museums or tours that are within a reasonable distance of our vacation destination. This trip was no exception and today’s entertainment was a stop at the Evergreen Aviation and Space Museum in McMinnville, Oregon. As we started our second day of driving, the anticipation in the car was high. We had a few hours’ drive to get there, but unlike the highway driving we have done on many trips, the whole second half was through rural areas. And unlike our own lovely little valley, Oregon’s roads were clearly not planned in advance in a sensible and orderly manner. This would definitely be an area where roads were created out of a need to get from one place to another regardless of how short, long, curvy, or confusing they might be. I know the surrounding landscape is a large determining factor in the paths that develop, but seriously, I think some of these paths might have been simply the way the cows chose to wander as they moseyed around the farm. As we began today’s trek, Google maps and the incredibly convenient Apple CarPlay feature in our new vehicle became our navigators. I’ve navigated via paper map before (yes, I know that dates me, but it was a necessary skill for the directionally impaired), but newer technologies make things a whole lot easier. Honestly, without a map of some sort, there is no way we would have ever gotten from point A to point B. But we did make it there in good time and for our airplane enthusiasts, it was a great way to start our vacation.

I always learn stuff when we make these stops and while it doesn’t make me giddy with excitement, at times I do actually find it interesting. The big ticket item at today’s stop was a viewing of the Spruce Goose, the biggest wooden airplane ever built. I had never even heard of it before planning for this adventure began, but now I can tell you quite a bit about its history. And while it was fairly interesting, if you really want to learn about it, ask one of my menfolk. They can give you all the details. In fact, there was an opportunity for the four of them to take a tour of the cockpit and they jumped at the chance. It was an additional charge and Malia and I really didn’t care, so we opted to wait while they took the tour. And that actually ended up being a good choice because the lighting in the museum was wacky, the kind of wacky that triggers migraines for me. It’s not something I can describe, but when I walk into a building with troublesome lighting, I can actually see it. It's not really a flicker and it’s not always a discernable color, but I can always tell. I slipped on my sunglasses right away, but by the time I’d been in the museum for thirty or forty minutes, I was definitely in migraine mode and had to step outside. Strong smells can trigger my migraines as well, and I suspect the smell of old airplane fuel and oil contributed to my descent into headache. Malia came with me because she was thoroughly bored, and we wandered around the parking lot while the boys did their thing. 

When the boys finally made their way back to us, they were all terribly happy with their time spent. They saw lots of cool stuff and honestly, I think they could have spent a great deal more time there. They just cruised through the entire space exhibit due to timing, but I think they would have lingered more if we had not needed to make our way to our vacation rental and dinner. So for the boys, the museum lived up to all their expectations. My meds helped ease my headache and Malia and I are looking forward to the activities the next few days hold.

Christmas: A Day, a Season, or a Lifestyle?

It seems like the older my kids get, the more hectic the holiday season gets, and the more mellow Christmas day becomes. I recall last year being that way, and this year followed the same pattern. We had all kinds of concerts and activities throughout the month, but today was a calm day, one in which we were able to sleep in just a bit, enjoy our presents, and make it to church in plenty of time. Having the opportunity to go to church on Christmas is always nice too, and one of the perks for me is being able to sing in celebration of the Savior’s birth. I love Christmas music and while we haven’t had an official ward choir in our ward since sometime before Covid hit, one wonderful sister in our ward was missing it and volunteered to pull together a choir just for Christmas. And I loved it. Daniel and Nathan also did a musical number and Daniel can now say that he was officially the first person ever to play saxophone in our ward’s sacrament meeting. And let me assure you that it was very reverent and sacrament meeting appropriate. 

The opening of our presents has gotten mellower as well. The heady anticipation of the very young has become tempered as our kids have gotten older, which lessens the frenzy of tearing off wrapping paper and bows. That doesn’t mean there is no excitement, it just means the amount of sleep deprivation is considerably lower and everyone has a bit more patience with the process.

As usual, there was some Lego to unwrap this morning. I honestly don’t think my family knows how to do Christmas without Lego. Daniel got a cool blacksmith shop, Matthew got the Infinity Gauntlet and Malia got the Harry Potter inspired Hungarian horntail dragon. Neither Kevin or Nathan received any Lego and I think both of them were at a bit of loss as far as how to fill their time once all the presents were opened. 

Books are pretty common gifts around here as well, and while we only had a few books given this year, several of those were personalized volumes. I finally finished Daniel’s mission book and gifted that to him, and Nathan authored a fantastic chronicle of Tiny Toothless’s adventures in Texas just for Malia. It was totally fun and made all of us laugh!

Nathan got a variety of Texas themed items including a Buckie’s t-shirt, a teeny tiny Texas waffle iron, and some Tony Chachere’s creole seasoning. Nathan says this particular seasoning pretty much replaces the salt in Texas. Apparently, they say, “Pass the Tony’s” the same way we ask for the salt around here.

In addition to her Lego, Malia was mighty pleased to receive her first ever pair of Converse high tops. The red ones were at the top of her list and we gave her a one-time only pass to wear her Converse to church. Her desire for trendy shoes is yet another indication that that she has stepped firmly into the tween world. 

Other gifts included a variety of fun socks all around, a bag to organize and transport all Matthew’s trumpet mutes, a plastic model or three for Kevin, Daniel and Matthew, and a new car for me. The new car actually arrived several months ago, but it is sitting in the garage if I need to be reminded of what I got for Christmas. 😉

The gag gift of choice this year was supersized items. Malia got a 1 lb. Hershey bar, Nathan a gigantic slab of Snickers, Daniel got the oversized Toblerone, Kevin had the mega sized peanut butter cups, and I got a mighty big adjustable measuring scoop that dwarfs the normal sized one I use all the time. All things big were entertaining, but I think Matthew’s oversized wonder was the funniest. He got a ring pop that is half the size of his head. I laughed out loud when I saw it. He can wear the thing as a bracelet!

Christmas joys aside, the past week has been a kind of tough one. Nathan and I are both learning that there is a headache rebound when the Botox wears off. As such, we have both had an increase in headaches. But if nothing else, the upswing in headache severity for Nathan and in frequency and severity for me have shown us that the Botox is actually helping. I was fairly certain that it was helping me, but Nathan wasn’t sure. But with the increased intensity of the headache, he has realized that the Botox has helped level out the pain. So while it has been valuable information for both of us, it has made this week less than stellar. In addition to that, I started a new medication on Friday and woke up yesterday morning with my left hand and arm all swollen up. I spent the morning at the instacare, which was definitely not where I wanted to spend Christmas Eve. Nathan and I were both struggling with headaches last night as well, so we made a token appearance at my folks’ house for dinner and then Kev drove us home while Daniel stayed with Matthew and Malia for all the festivities. Again, it was not the way I wanted to spend Christmas Eve, but sometimes life gives you lemons and you have to have a good long sleep and some headache drugs before you can make lemonade.

Now that I’ve spent some time complaining, which is not what I had intended to do, let me say that we have been truly blessed as well. All of my children were home for Christmas. Earlier this year, we had not anticipated that would be the case, but Nathan’s shortened mission meant everyone was home for cookies and caroling (Although not a single person answered the door when we went caroling this year. It was weird. And really bad timing on our part apparently.) We spent some good quality time together and were able to find joy despite the inconveniences and unpleasant elements the past week has held. We have felt the love and support of our families and friends. And we have been able to think about our Savior and remember just how blessed we are to know him and to have his gospel in our lives.

There have been times over the past few weeks when I have struggled to feel the joy that Christmas usually holds. It’s not that I’m feeling humbuggy or anything, but it can be terribly hard to be cheerful in the middle of a migraine. But in those times, I have been constantly reminded that the Savior is with us on our dark days too. He is with us when we are sad, hurt, discouraged, disappointed. His light is available year-round and not just when we focus so much on lighting the world. So I think it’s ok that this week has been a bit of a rough one because I spend every day, every week, every season trying to bring a little more of the light of Christ into the world. So Merry Christmas. And may we all carry the joy of Christ with us all year round and not just for a few weeks each December. 

A Good Day

It was a good day for Nathan. He got a job, a temp job that will end just in time for spring semester to begin if he decides to go back to school in January. This morning he was interviewed and set apart as an ordinance worker at the temple. He is currently on his way to an institute class about John the Beloved that is taught in ASL. He is in a super good mood. 

Now if only he didn’t have a blazing headache…but at least it’s not coloring his mood today. 

Musing of a Missionary Mama

It is often said that life doesn’t always turn out like we expect and the older I get, the more I am convinced that it is true. Nathan left for Texas with every intention of being there for two years, but once again I have a son whose time in the mission field has been cut short. It seems like six months is some kind of a deadline for my boys because Daniel came home nearly six months to the day after he began his mission and Nathan’s six-month mark was yesterday. Nathan’s circumstances, however, are very different from Daniel’s. A pandemic and the desire to be obedient and follow the prophet’s counsel is what brought Daniel home prematurely. Nathan will be coming home for medical reasons, and it was a choice he made on his own after consulting with his mission president, Kevin and I, and the Lord. 

I’ve been very worried about Nathan for months, as have Kevin and the mission president. We have all done everything we could to help Nathan get the headache under control, but despite the miracles we have seen and the short reprieve he had after seeing the headache specialist, things have escalated. Several weeks ago, Nathan started having some side effects from the first medication he was prescribed in Texas, some slowed cognitive function and difficulty thinking. Basically, he was super groggy and sluggish, felt all doped up and couldn’t think clearly. When we spoke to him on P-day two weeks ago, my gut feeling was that he needed to get off the medication he was on. Some of these maintenance meds require tapering off so the body doesn’t react poorly though, so I advised him to call the neurologist’s office, which he did. 

Nathan messaged us first thing last Monday morning with some worrisome info, letting us know that overnight he had begun having some severe symptoms. He had called the mission nurse at 3:00 in the morning and after she consulted with the mission doctor, Nathan was told that they suspected the symptoms were a severe reaction to the same medication. Rather than sending him to an urgent care in the middle of the night, they advised Nathan to hold off any treatment until he could consult with the neurologist that afternoon. He had been able to schedule a virtual appointment with the neurologist despite his schedule being completely full for the next six or seven months (another tender mercy) and during that appointment he was given directions on how to taper off the medication. He was also told that the side effects should go away as the medication left his system, but he was in really bad shape when we spoke to him later that afternoon. He was exhausted, in pain, still had a headache, and had gotten to the point where he could no longer push through the misery and discomfort. 

That was pretty much the tipping point for Nathan. He fought hard to be able to stay in Texas, did everything he could to manage the headache, and was able to work through it due to sheer determination. He puts on a good show, and I suspect most people had no idea what he was dealing with, but by last week he had reached his physical breaking point and knew that he couldn’t continue. He feels like those last serious symptoms were the Lord’s way of telling him that it is was time to go home, that what he had offered was enough and that it was ok to focus on his health.

The process of bringing him home began the following day. Nathan conferred with us once more, then called the mission president to let him know what he had decided. The one caveat Nathan requested was that he be allowed to stay long enough to attend the fireside that took place last night. To me, it felt like that fireside would be the culmination of his work in Texas, an event that would bring him a sense of completion. The mission president was in complete agreement on all accounts and after speaking to our stake president last week, called to speak with us and make sure we were kept informed on what was happening. He told me Nathan would be home today or tomorrow at the latest, assured me that he approved of Nathan’s decision, and told me that once the request to return home on medical leave was approved by one of the general authorities, the travel office would make flight arrangements. He also told me that he has seen how hard Nathan had worked, was fully aware of his great desire to stay in the field and shared with me the fact that even before he arrived in the mission two months ago, he knew who Nathan was and was just astounded by the amazing facial expressions that Nathan has when he signs. As part of their preparation, the mission president and his wife worked to know each and every one of the missionaries by name and face before they entered the field. They had watched the ASL videos Nathan had been posting on Facebook and his enthusiasm for the work and the language were clear to see. President knows how much Nathan would like to stay, but he also knows that if he stays, he will be further sacrificing his health to do so.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, Nathan did not come home today. There has been a delay in Nathan’s paperwork so we are still waiting to get details about when he will actually fly home. I’ve called to reschedule his appointment with my neurologist (a headache specialist it took me twenty years to find and who has helped me reclaim my life from the clutches of chronic migraine) twice already and will need to call at least once more due to the delays. I think that now that the decision is made, Nathan is anxious to get home. He is relieved that he doesn’t have to fight this anymore and that he will be able to stop, get the help he needs, and take the time his body requires to break the headache. That is our number one objective. Once that is accomplished, we can work on establishing a good maintenance plan and Nathan can think about what is next for him. At this point he only knows what this one step is. But he also knows that the Lord has a plan for him and that there is more work for him to do. He doesn’t know what that work is or where, but he trusts the Lord and knows that he’ll be given the direction he needs when he needs it.

Over the years I have learned that being a mother is hard work. There are no paid vacations and no weekends off. It is physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually taxing at times. There are days that leave you in tears and days that send you to your knees and days when you don’t know what you are doing and wonder if you’ve messed it all up. On the flipside, motherhood is one of the most rewarding things I’ve done in my lifetime. To see your child learn and grow, to know that you are the most important person in his or her little world for a few years, to watch them gain experience and develop their talents, to see them work and serve brings a sense of joy and fulfillment that nothing else can. Motherhood holds challenges and rewards in equal measure.

One of the challenges I could never have predicted was the grief I feel over the disappointments and sorrows that happen in my children’s lives. It seems that I feel them nearly as deeply as they do and my tears for their sorrows are just as real as the tears for my own struggles. When Covid ended Daniel’s mission far too soon, he grieved for a time. In fact, there are still moments when he feels that disappointment deeply. I grieved with him, shedding tears for his lost opportunities, feeling his sense of loss as if it were my own. In fact, I still feel sorrow over the fact that his time of service was cut so short. That has been unexpected for me. I thought as time passed the sadness would pass quickly because it was not over my own loss. But while it is tempered with time, it is still there. It is an unanticipated part of motherhood that the parenting books don’t address.

As Nathan’s time in Texas has also ended far too soon, I find myself grieving again. Added to that sadness is the knowledge that he did everything he could to be well enough to stay and yet the physical weaknesses he has been given were too much. He has suffered physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He has prayed endlessly for strength and guidance. He has taught and worked when others would have stayed home in bed. And through it all, he has humbly sought for understanding to try to make sense of the adversities he has faced.

Nathan has given his all to serve the people in Texas. He has worked hard and sacrificed much for them. He has loved them and cared for them. He has taught them and counseled with them. There are people in Texas who have been changed forever by their interactions with Nathan. And I know that Nathan has been changed forever by his interactions with them. While he is sad that his time there has been cut short, he knows that coming home at this time is right and he knows that the Lord has a plan for him. Only time will tell what that plan is, but Nathan is looking forward and not backward and is prepared for the Lord to guide him along the way.

Has the Day of Miracles Ceased?

Last week our “Come Follow Me” study covered the many mighty miracles performed by the prophet Elisha. It was a wonderful week reading about all the people’s lives that were touched by those miracles and the great faith that they and Elisha had that allowed the miracles to happen. Despite the underlying story of the Israelites’ continued descent into wickedness, these events highlighted goodness and righteousness that was still found among the people. 

I feel like there are parallels to our modern day lives to be found in all those stories. It’s the “likening the scriptures unto us” part. (1 Nephi 19:23) While so much of the world is becoming more wicked in what seems to be more a much more blatant manner, we and our families can be islands of righteousness amidst the stormy seas, islands where faith, and God, prevail, where goodness and joy is still found, and where miracles still happen. Because miracles do still happen. My family and I have seen many miracles in our lives, and we had another one today.

Unfortunately, Nathan has inherited a tendency towards headaches from me. Before he left for the MTC, he had all the prescriptions he needed, he knew of a variety of things he needed to do to prevent headaches, and his headaches, while more frequent than most normal people experience, were still mostly occasional and well managed. All that changed not long after he arrived in Texas, however. As of today, he has had a headache non-stop for eighty-two days. While he powers through it, like most chronic headache suffers do, it was beginning to seriously wear him out physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. He has been working with the mission nurse and the mission doctor, but neither of them has the expertise necessary to help him break this headache. He has already seen one doctor in Texas, who admitted flat out that he doesn’t know much about headaches, and has been given several medications to try, but neither has given any lasting relief as of yet. 

After I talked to him last week, I was very worried. The mission doc who had put him on the preventative medication had not told him that it was a different class of drug so it would be safe to take his rescue meds with the new one. One a scale of 1-10, Nathan’s headache level had been at a 7 for several days and he had not taken any meds for the pain because he didn’t know if it was safe. He said several times, “I don’t want to worry you, but….” Which of course meant my concern rose very quickly. He looked haggard. And hopeless. And this mama bear jumped right into mega worry mode. 

I began searching for headache specialists in the Fort Worth area and found a couple options that looked promising and were listed as in network with our insurance. I sent all the info to Nathan, but as it was no longer p-day, I couldn’t actually discuss any of it with him. I did get in touch with the mission nurse though, and she and I began exchanging information regularly. She is also worried about Nathan. The mission president has been in Texas for a whole week and a half, so he is still working to get his feet under him. Despite that, he felt like he needed to meet with Nathan. His initial conversation with the mission nurse added to that feeling and after he read Nathan’s first weekly letter to the president, that feeling solidified, and he ended up rescheduling another meeting so he could meet with Nathan. At that meeting, he conveyed to Nathan his great desire to keep him in the mission and facilitate the necessary appointments and such to help him get the care he needs. He also basically commanded Nathan to take the days off that he needed when the pain is high. Nathan came out of the meeting feeling like he had been given permission to take care of himself. His gut instinct is to always put other people first, so sometimes he needs to be reminded that he needs to take care of himself in order to be able to take care of others, so feeling like he had been given permission to put himself first for once was a necessary step in the right direction. It helped knowing he had support, but still the pain marched on.

Around here, we have been praying that Nathan would have the revelation that he needs to get the care he needs. We fast for him regularly and it seems like there are dozens of us putting his name on the temple prayer rolls. In the past month that prayer has expanded to include his mission leadership and the healthcare professionals he is working with. And in the past several weeks, we have added Kevin and I to the list of people that need guidance to know how to help our son. After I talked to him last Monday and my worry escalated, I began to tearfully plead with the Lord for a miracle. 

Today is p-day which means we were anticipating a video call from Nathan. Around lunchtime today, it suddenly occurred to me that I should get in touch with my cousin Shirlene. She and her orthopedic surgeon husband lived in Arlington for a number of years and are still good friends with the patriarch in the stake where Nathan is currently serving. I thought that perhaps Greg, her husband, might have some ideas of doctors to see. She responded quickly with the info that he mostly knows other orthopedists, but said she’d ask him. About fifteen minutes later, she sent me another message. She had reached out to her friend in Texas. The friend had reached out to a friend of hers who has chronic migraines, and the friend of a friend was more than happy to share info about the doctor she sees and the clinic she goes to as she has gotten fantastic care there. The downside was the fact that the clinic is in Dallas, which is outside Nathan’s mission boundaries, and the mission president preferred for him to get care within boundaries if possible. I checked in with my good friend Google though and discovered that although the headache clinic is in Dallas, they have an associated clinic in Fort Worth with several neurologists that have experience in treating headaches. 

All that info came in as I was actually chatting with Nathan. I shared the info with him, along with a barrage of other names and phone numbers, and he started making calls. Several calls resulted in only voice mail boxes and messages left, but the clinic that I found through Shirlene’s friend of a friend had different results. They had just had a cancellation and there was one appointment available for tomorrow morning. The next available appointments aren’t until November. Nathan took the appointment, smart kid that he is, and then came the need to work out the details. His companion has a dentist appointment tomorrow morning for some pretty unpleasant tooth pain, so Nathan wasn’t sure he’d be able to make the appointment. I immediately reached out to the mission nurse who emphatically exclaimed that he needed to get to that appointment. She in turn, immediately reached out to the mission president and his response was, “Let’s get this done and not waste a little miracle!”

That’s exactly what this is, of course. The much prayed for miracle that we need. I have no illusions and know that one appointment is not going to fix everything, but I also know that getting in to see a specialist can take months. If Nathan had called that office yesterday or tomorrow or even four hours earlier than he did, that single appointment would not have been available. The thought I had to ask Shirlene was a tiny bit of revelation that sparked a miracle for Nathan.

As Moroni so eloquently teaches, “Have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men.” (Moroni 7:29) And often the miracles come as whisperings of the still small voice and with the help of the many mortal angels that cross our paths. This missionary mom owes a debt of gratitude to a couple of ladies living thousands of miles away in Texas. And to the Lord, because “all things which are good cometh of God.” (Moroni 7:12)

The final details are that the mission president has authorized splits with another companionship so that both Nathan and his companion can get to their medical appointments. Nathan has permission to send Kevin and I health information so he will let us know how it goes tomorrow. And I will water my pillow with tears later this evening as I thank my Heavenly Father for this miracle. The mission president may call it a little miracle, but to us, it’s huge.

I'm in a Funk

I have tried a lot of different approaches to treating my headaches over the years. About a year ago I started seeing a headache specialist and after giving her the rundown of everything I’d tried, she started tossing new ideas at me. In October I started taking a new medication. This doctor’s theory on medications is to give it six weeks and if there has been no improvement increase the dose and give it another six weeks. If there is still no improvement, that med is probably not going to help so it is time to try something else. So I started the new med and six weeks later there had been no improvement so we increased the dose. The next two weeks were rough. I had more headaches than usual, they were more severe and they were lasting longer. But I stuck with it knowing that sometimes it can take a while to adjust to a new drug. After two weeks, things improved. Instead of having a headache two thirds of my days, it was down to about half my days and the headaches I was having were much less severe and were not lasting as long. So after the first six weeks I did another couple of months to make sure that first stretch wasn’t a fluke. And it wasn’t. It really was improving.

With some definite improvement as a motivator, my doctor increased the dose again hoping to see even more improvement. Again, the first weeks were rough. For about a month things were pretty hard. And then it got better. In twelve days I had only two headaches, neither of which were very severe. In addition, I know exactly what triggered both of them. That hasn’t happened in years. And not just a couple of years, years in the double digits. I was feeling so good that I was able to finish Malia’s baby book, a project that got set aside two years ago because it got to the point where I could only sit at the computer for five or ten minutes before I started to feel the beginnings of a headache. (It’s all printed and everything. I think it turned out fabulous.) Unfortunately, I was also having some pretty severe side effects. They were severe enough that it warranted a change of medication.

Yesterday was my first day off the original med and I woke up at 4:00 this morning with a raging migraine. To say that I’m frustrated doesn’t really begin to express how I feel. I’ve been dealing with these chronic headaches for nearly twenty years. I’ve tried numerous medications, lifestyle changes, food eliminations, etc. I choose not to participate in activities knowing that if I do I’ll end up with a migraine. I feel like I plan my entire life around the probability of headaches. So I’m discouraged. I’m frustrated. I’m worn out from the rough parts of the mediation trials. My doctor has switched me to a new medication that is in the same category as the previous one hoping for similar results with fewer side effects so I’m back to square one. I expect the next little while to be rough. I’m usually pretty okay with that because I can keep the big picture in mind, but after having my life back for a little while, it’s hard not to see this as a huge step backwards.

So if I’m in a pithy mood for the next little while and missing out on more activities and gatherings than I have in the past few months, at least you’ll know why…

Year's End

As another year comes to a close, I find myself thinking about what the past year has brought to us.

Kevin has been at Adobe for over a year now. He has too much to do and not enough time, but he seems to be valued by many of the people he works with. He spent ten days in India in October meeting and working with the team of Indian employees he works with on a regular basis. He has discovered that like all jobs, there are pros and cons.

Daniel has grown a lot in the past year, both literally and figuratively. He is now taller than me and takes great pleasure in that fact. As an eighth grader he is firmly ensconced in middle school, is doing great, and still loves school. Knowing that high school credits begin accumulating in ninth grade, he is already making plans for the classes he wants to take so he will be able to participate in the programs that interest him.

Nathan is also looking ahead. Over the course of the past year he has grown from a little boy into a young man. He is excited to start seventh grade in the fall and with registration coming up in the next month or two, he has already decided what his electives will be.

Matthew is still as energetic as ever and although I still struggle to understand him, we are having fewer conflicts. As always, some days we get along better than others, but every bit of progress is good. He has grown at ease in his new school and is striving to gain independence in as many ways as possible. He is getting braver in many ways and little by little he is learning to deal with his fears and anxieties.

Malia has crossed the line from being a toddler to a preschooler. She loves school and is making friends of her very own. She makes me laugh regularly and I love her company. It seems that she is growing up far too quickly, but she'll still sit in my lap while I read stories and I intend to hold on to that for as long as I can.

As for me, the headaches are fewer in number and less intense. I continue to search for ways to make things even better and although I'm not where I would like to be, I'm grateful for the time I've regained and the days when I'm headache free. As my children get older, our days have become more hectic and I spend a good amount of brainpower making sure everyone is where they need to be when they need to be there.

Overall, I feel we've been very blessed in the past year. Like everyone we've had our struggles but relatively speaking, they have been very small.

Life is For the Birds!

It has become a tradition for us to visit somewhere fun on Memorial Day as part of Nathan’s birthday celebration. This year he wanted to go to the aviary. Two years ago was our last trip to the aviary and we ended up cutting our visit short because Kevin’s dad ended up in the hospital in need of a quadruple bypass. Nathan’s actual birthday was on Memorial Day that year and it was definitely not a fabulous birthday for him. Anyway, we went to the aviary again and this time we got to see everything.

The only crappy part of the day was the big old migraine I ended up with. It wasn’t overly hot so I’m starting to think that bright sunlight might be a migraine trigger for me as well. It pretty much stinks. But the first part of the day was fun!

I’m Seeing the World Through Rose-Colored Glasses

Several posts ago I mentioned that I’ve been seeing a new doctor. The wife of one of Kev’s coworkers gave us the name of a neurologist who specializes in headaches. And she practices here in the valley. I’ve looked for such a specialist on a number of occasions over the years and was never able to find one, so this tidbit of info was a pretty propitious find. After a particularly rough headache week in February (a migraine that completely incapacitated me for two full days was only part of that week’s drama), I made an appointment.

The doctor asked me a million questions, some I expected (symptoms, family history of headaches, personal history of headaches, if I eat chocolate or drink caffeinated beverages, etc.) and some that surprised me (if I get carsick, if I can read in a moving vehicle). After a neurological exam and all the questions, she told me that I have chronic migraines. This was not news to me. I’ve know that for a good long while now. She also told me that I won the genetic lottery for headaches…not really the kind of lottery anyone wants to win, but there’s really not much I can do about it. I’ve been doing the headache think for so long that most of the lifestyle changes she could have recommended have been a part of my daily existence for a couple of decades now. She did, however, take the time to talk about sleep. I know that not sleeping enough triggers headaches for me, and she said that she could not overemphasize how important it is to get enough sleep. She also said that headache prone brains do not like change. Huh. Even my gray matter has OCD. Aren’t I the lucky one! (Be sure the read that last bit with the appropriate sarcasm.)

Right off the bat, she changed the dosage of my maintenance medication and took me off the rescue meds I was taking. Apparently one of the ones I was taking was pretty bad for causing rebound headaches. And the triptan I was taking (triptans are the class of drugs that treat migraines) was so short lasting that by the time my body metabolized it and I started to feel relief, it was already wearing off. She also prescribed some tinted lenses for my glasses to help with the light sensitivity bit.

Here’s a bit of background on the whole light issue. I’ve been getting headaches on grocery shopping day for years and I could not figure out why. About a year ago I happened to read somewhere that fluorescent lighting can trigger migraines. I mentioned it to Kev and he suggested I try wearing my sunglasses in the store to see if it made a difference. It did. I was able to considerably improve my odds of getting the shopping done without having a headache and over the past year, I’ve learned to recognize the earliest symptoms of the light triggered migraines and head them off with my sunglasses. So I was intrigued by the tinted lenses idea.

It took a few weeks to get the lenses made and longer than normal to get used to them (because they are filtering out light, when I’m in a particularly funky lighting situation I can see the light refracting and get a bit of the “pencil in a glass of water” effect when I move around), but I’ve already noticed an improvement. In the very worst of the stores-Walmart (which is only a small part of the reason I hate Walmart so much) and Joann’s (bad for me but good for my budget)-I still need to wear my sunglasses. I think the tint would need to be considerably darker to make everything hunky dory in those places. But in other stores I don’t seem to have any problems. And it seems to really help when I’m sitting at the computer. I had gotten to the point where I could only look at the computer screen for five or ten minutes before I started to feel a headache coming on and things are significantly better now. (Seriously, there is a really good reason why I’ve had such a hard time keeping up on my blog in the past year.)

So literally having a rosy outlook on life is helping. Changing up the meds seems to be helping as well. I’m not having a headache nearly every day anymore. Things aren’t as good as I’d like them to be, but I seem to be on an upward climb. Hopefully that will continue.

Musings About the Passage of Time

As I sit here looking back at 2013, it strikes me once again that time seems to pass more swiftly with each year. There are days, and even weeks, that seem interminable but I blink and I’m a year older, the kids have grown that much more, and I’m replacing the calendar yet again. Within those rapidly passing days, we have had a pretty good year. In spite of our trials, or perhaps because of them, we have been blessed. There have been changes for all of us, mostly for the good and for that I’m immensely grateful. Here’s a look back at what this past year held for us:

-Kevin got a new job at Adobe. It was a hard change for all of us for a variety of different reasons, but Kev is settling in there and I’m hopeful that it will be a good thing for him and for our family.

-Spurred on by the overwhelming frequency of the headaches, I’ve made some changes and started some new routines that seem to be lessening the intensity of the ever present headaches. They are still a force to be reckoned with, but at least I’m having a few good days now.

-Daniel is thriving in middle school. He is happy, loves school, is discovering new talents and making new friends. He is doing better than I could have hoped and adjusted to the changes in his routine quickly. He is already making plans for what classes he wants to take in 8^th and 9^th grades

-Nathan is discovering who he is and what he wants. He has finally quit choosing activities and interests based on what Daniel has done. He is finding joy in music, playing piano with far more talent and skill than I have. He has become very responsible with his school work and has realized that he likes to complete things early so he doesn’t have to stress about it at the last minute. That’s a huge skill to learn, especially for a 10 year old.

-Matthew has adjusted to first grade. It has been a rough road, but I think he is finally settling in to the routine. He has been an allergy rock star in taking charge of his own safety and has successfully learned to navigate the school lunch room on his own. He also showed great courage in agreeing to his first ever food challenge and is now able to eat almonds which has opened up a whole new world of breakfast cereal to him.

-Malia has come out of her shell and let the rest of the world see the funny little thing that she is. She was so shy with other people for so long that others had no idea what she is really like. Her personality is larger than life and she keeps us on our toes. She knows what she wants, is fiercely stubborn and has reached the stage where she wants to do things by herself. She is healthy and curious and a joy to have around.

I find myself considering where the next year will take us. I know there are more changes in store, some anticipated and some that have not even occurred to me as of yet. Hopefully they will lead us to an even better place than this past year has.

My Crazy Life

This post is basically going to be a rant about how stressful things have been around here for the last few months so if you want to skip it, I won’t be offended. On the other hand, if you want to get an idea of why I’ve been enormously absentee from social gatherings, blogging, and life in general, stick around. Ready or not, here we go:

In mid-June Kevin applied for a new job. He was in no danger of losing his current job, but he saw an opportunity to take a step up professionally and decided to throw his hat into the ring. Twelve hours after he submitted the online application, he got the first phone call. Within a week and a half he had six interviews and at the final interview he learned that things had been narrowed down to only two candidates, Kevin being one of them. The job was for Adobe and the whole company pretty much shuts down for the entire week surrounding the 4^th of July which is great for them but not so much for the guy who just completed a bunch of interviews and is waiting to hear back about whether or not he got the job. Needless to say, the waiting was stressful.

Good news is that once the waiting was over he got the job. He gave notice at his current job, giving them three weeks so that the health insurance on both ends would give us the coverage we needed. He had planned to complete a big project during those three weeks, but once he told them he was quitting they decided they didn’t want him to do it. So instead he spent three weeks twiddling his thumbs waiting for the new job to start. It made him crazy and made those three weeks seem loooooong for him.

Once he actually started at Adobe, it took a few weeks for him to feel like he had any idea of what he was doing and to have enough work to fill his days. Now he is getting into the swing of things and is feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

Matthew has been a huge stress bomb as well. During all this job stuff, he was getting ready to start first grade. First grade is a big deal, especially for a food allergy kid who will be eating lunch at school. He was really stressed about his teacher knowing about all his needs and it took us a good week of trying before I was actually able to talk with her and help dial back some of his concerns. He was also worried about whether or not he would know anyone in his class. And he didn’t know his teacher so he was worried about what she would be like. He was in tears nearly every day about all this.

And then we dumped the “Dad is quitting his job and going to work for Adobe” bomb on him. It really shouldn’t have been a big deal, but it totally freaked Matthew out. It was so bad that he started having nightmares. Things like Kev and I were on a vacation and Nathan and Matthew were left home alone and they didn’t have a phone number to call us. Another one was about going to eat lunch with Kev at his new job and when we arrived the entire building was gone. They pretty much reeked of abandonment issues and as much as we reassured him that nothing would be different at home, he just couldn’t stop panicking. He freaked out when Kev was in Washington D.C. for an entire week earlier this year and I think part of his panic was that Kev would be gone like that again.

Nathan was stressed out because he was in limbo land about who his fifth grade teacher would be. Because we are in year round school, they only had three weeks between one school year and the next which you would think would not be enough time to work up a real stress attack, but you would be wrong. Our school definitely doesn’t help that. The new school year started on July 25^th. July 24^th was a holiday and our school didn’t post teacher assignments until 4:00 p.m. on July 23^rd. I know they do it because they don’t want to deal with all the parents who are unhappy about the teacher their kid was assigned, but honestly it is ridiculous. They are either going to deal with it the week before school starts or on the first day of school. Just postponing letting everyone know which teacher they have doesn’t make that go away. But it made Nathan super stressed out for three weeks. At least once he know which teacher he had and knew that he would have a few friends in his class he was able to calm down.

Daniel just started 7^th grade and although he didn’t actually admit it until a couple of days before school started, he was stressed out to. Seventh grade is a big change and although he was excited as well, there was a lot of uncertainty about how things would be. And he had a whole extra month to stew about it once the other boys went back to school. He was also headed to the weeklong scout camp for the first time so we had to get him all ready to go. He only had some dehydration once at scout camp and luckily for him (and us), his leaders knew what they were dealing with early enough that they were able to get him rehydrating without needing medical care.

Malia did pretty well, being too young to comprehend the stress of her whole family. She did however, get sick twice and have that instacare visit when she whacked her head on the counter.

As for me, when all this started in June I was at the point where I was having headaches every single day. So in addition to trying to keep my entire family from going bat crap crazy because of stress, I was trying out a variety of new treatment methods and changing some routines in an attempt to get the headaches under control. I was also neck deep in paperwork trying to get all the forms Matthew needs to get the care he needs at school, for Matthew and Daniel to be able to have their meds at school, to update insurance info everywhere, to allow Daniel to go to scout camp, etc.

Now overlay on top of all that the pox we’ve all had (the week we all had a cold was Kev’s first week at Adobe, Nathan and Matthew’s second full week of school, and Daniel’s week at scout camp and the second round of sick was the week just before Daniel started school with Malia’s sick lingering into his first week), a new mortgage (we had an opportunity to refinance at a lower interest rate which meant a lower monthly payment) and the fact that Daniel is now on a traditional school calendar while Nathan and Matthew are still on a year round school calendar which leads to scheduling chaos and you’ve got a pretty good picture of how we spent our summer.

We are finally at the point where I feel like we are getting back into a routine and I cannot tell you how good and ready we all are to have hit a new normal. My daily life, as crazy as it can be, is a welcome relief compared to what we have just survived.