It is often said that life doesn’t always turn out like we expect and the older I get, the more I am convinced that it is true. Nathan left for Texas with every intention of being there for two years, but once again I have a son whose time in the mission field has been cut short. It seems like six months is some kind of a deadline for my boys because Daniel came home nearly six months to the day after he began his mission and Nathan’s six-month mark was yesterday. Nathan’s circumstances, however, are very different from Daniel’s. A pandemic and the desire to be obedient and follow the prophet’s counsel is what brought Daniel home prematurely. Nathan will be coming home for medical reasons, and it was a choice he made on his own after consulting with his mission president, Kevin and I, and the Lord.
I’ve been very worried about Nathan for months, as have Kevin and the mission president. We have all done everything we could to help Nathan get the headache under control, but despite the miracles we have seen and the short reprieve he had after seeing the headache specialist, things have escalated. Several weeks ago, Nathan started having some side effects from the first medication he was prescribed in Texas, some slowed cognitive function and difficulty thinking. Basically, he was super groggy and sluggish, felt all doped up and couldn’t think clearly. When we spoke to him on P-day two weeks ago, my gut feeling was that he needed to get off the medication he was on. Some of these maintenance meds require tapering off so the body doesn’t react poorly though, so I advised him to call the neurologist’s office, which he did.
Nathan messaged us first thing last Monday morning with some worrisome info, letting us know that overnight he had begun having some severe symptoms. He had called the mission nurse at 3:00 in the morning and after she consulted with the mission doctor, Nathan was told that they suspected the symptoms were a severe reaction to the same medication. Rather than sending him to an urgent care in the middle of the night, they advised Nathan to hold off any treatment until he could consult with the neurologist that afternoon. He had been able to schedule a virtual appointment with the neurologist despite his schedule being completely full for the next six or seven months (another tender mercy) and during that appointment he was given directions on how to taper off the medication. He was also told that the side effects should go away as the medication left his system, but he was in really bad shape when we spoke to him later that afternoon. He was exhausted, in pain, still had a headache, and had gotten to the point where he could no longer push through the misery and discomfort.
That was pretty much the tipping point for Nathan. He fought hard to be able to stay in Texas, did everything he could to manage the headache, and was able to work through it due to sheer determination. He puts on a good show, and I suspect most people had no idea what he was dealing with, but by last week he had reached his physical breaking point and knew that he couldn’t continue. He feels like those last serious symptoms were the Lord’s way of telling him that it is was time to go home, that what he had offered was enough and that it was ok to focus on his health.
The process of bringing him home began the following day. Nathan conferred with us once more, then called the mission president to let him know what he had decided. The one caveat Nathan requested was that he be allowed to stay long enough to attend the fireside that took place last night. To me, it felt like that fireside would be the culmination of his work in Texas, an event that would bring him a sense of completion. The mission president was in complete agreement on all accounts and after speaking to our stake president last week, called to speak with us and make sure we were kept informed on what was happening. He told me Nathan would be home today or tomorrow at the latest, assured me that he approved of Nathan’s decision, and told me that once the request to return home on medical leave was approved by one of the general authorities, the travel office would make flight arrangements. He also told me that he has seen how hard Nathan had worked, was fully aware of his great desire to stay in the field and shared with me the fact that even before he arrived in the mission two months ago, he knew who Nathan was and was just astounded by the amazing facial expressions that Nathan has when he signs. As part of their preparation, the mission president and his wife worked to know each and every one of the missionaries by name and face before they entered the field. They had watched the ASL videos Nathan had been posting on Facebook and his enthusiasm for the work and the language were clear to see. President knows how much Nathan would like to stay, but he also knows that if he stays, he will be further sacrificing his health to do so.
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, Nathan did not come home today. There has been a delay in Nathan’s paperwork so we are still waiting to get details about when he will actually fly home. I’ve called to reschedule his appointment with my neurologist (a headache specialist it took me twenty years to find and who has helped me reclaim my life from the clutches of chronic migraine) twice already and will need to call at least once more due to the delays. I think that now that the decision is made, Nathan is anxious to get home. He is relieved that he doesn’t have to fight this anymore and that he will be able to stop, get the help he needs, and take the time his body requires to break the headache. That is our number one objective. Once that is accomplished, we can work on establishing a good maintenance plan and Nathan can think about what is next for him. At this point he only knows what this one step is. But he also knows that the Lord has a plan for him and that there is more work for him to do. He doesn’t know what that work is or where, but he trusts the Lord and knows that he’ll be given the direction he needs when he needs it.
Over the years I have learned that being a mother is hard work. There are no paid vacations and no weekends off. It is physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually taxing at times. There are days that leave you in tears and days that send you to your knees and days when you don’t know what you are doing and wonder if you’ve messed it all up. On the flipside, motherhood is one of the most rewarding things I’ve done in my lifetime. To see your child learn and grow, to know that you are the most important person in his or her little world for a few years, to watch them gain experience and develop their talents, to see them work and serve brings a sense of joy and fulfillment that nothing else can. Motherhood holds challenges and rewards in equal measure.
One of the challenges I could never have predicted was the grief I feel over the disappointments and sorrows that happen in my children’s lives. It seems that I feel them nearly as deeply as they do and my tears for their sorrows are just as real as the tears for my own struggles. When Covid ended Daniel’s mission far too soon, he grieved for a time. In fact, there are still moments when he feels that disappointment deeply. I grieved with him, shedding tears for his lost opportunities, feeling his sense of loss as if it were my own. In fact, I still feel sorrow over the fact that his time of service was cut so short. That has been unexpected for me. I thought as time passed the sadness would pass quickly because it was not over my own loss. But while it is tempered with time, it is still there. It is an unanticipated part of motherhood that the parenting books don’t address.
As Nathan’s time in Texas has also ended far too soon, I find myself grieving again. Added to that sadness is the knowledge that he did everything he could to be well enough to stay and yet the physical weaknesses he has been given were too much. He has suffered physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He has prayed endlessly for strength and guidance. He has taught and worked when others would have stayed home in bed. And through it all, he has humbly sought for understanding to try to make sense of the adversities he has faced.
Nathan has given his all to serve the people in Texas. He has worked hard and sacrificed much for them. He has loved them and cared for them. He has taught them and counseled with them. There are people in Texas who have been changed forever by their interactions with Nathan. And I know that Nathan has been changed forever by his interactions with them. While he is sad that his time there has been cut short, he knows that coming home at this time is right and he knows that the Lord has a plan for him. Only time will tell what that plan is, but Nathan is looking forward and not backward and is prepared for the Lord to guide him along the way.
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