Mixed Feelings

There are lots of conflicting emotions at our house today. Nathan arrived home and he looked weary and headachy and thinner when he stepped off the plane. He’s relieved to be home because it means he can actually stop and give his body the time and sleep it needs to begin the process off breaking the headache. He knows home is where he is supposed to be, but he’s also worried about some of the missionaries he left behind. He’s glad he has an appointment with the neurologist first thing tomorrow because he is well and truly tired of having a headache. He doesn’t know what it feels like not to have a headache anymore. I can understand that completely. He also said that the 90-degree weather with nearly no humidity felt nice and cool.

I’m relieved he is home so I can finally do something to help him. I’m also worried about him and anxious to get him to the doctor so we can start the process of finding what his body needs to help improve the headache situation. I’m sad for the time he won’t have in Texas and so, so sorry that the headaches he has inherited from me have thrown a monkey wrench into his life plan. But I’m also at peace, knowing that coming home was the right choice for him to make.

Kevin is also relieved that Nathan is finally home and has worked really hard over the past week to have everything ready for him to arrive so that he can just crash and sleep as long as he needs. He’s trying to anticipate Nathan’s needs and is working hard to give Nathan the time and space he needs to figure out what is next. 

When we told Daniel that Nathan was coming home, Daniel laughed. It wasn’t a mean or hard-hearted laugh though, just a “isn’t life ironic” chuckle seeing as Daniel came home just a couple days after his six-month mark and Nathan’s arrival home followed almost exactly the same timeline. With Daniel away at school, his day-to-day life hasn’t been changed much by Nathan’s absence, but they have become good friends and I know that having him back in Logan whenever his path leads him back to school will be nice for Daniel.

For Matthew, having Nathan home is strange because it was definitely not the plan. The unexpected arrival home of his brother who was supposed to be gone for much longer is kind of making his brain spin as he reestablishes what our home life is like right now. Mentally he had planned to see Nathan again when he was more than halfway through high school, so he is trying to realign his expectations with our newly adjusted family plan.

Malia is just glad Nathan is home. She and Toothless created a wonderful welcome home for Nathan before she went to school this morning. Being the youngest has been a bit hard for her because she feels like all her brothers are leaving her behind. There’s nothing we can do to change that, and we wouldn’t if we could since we have raised our children with the goal of having them become independent, responsible, and confident adults, but it has been hard on Malia. Nathan having Tiny Toothless as a travel companion was all about having a personal connection to Malia and Big Toothless here at home relinquished his shirt, tie and missionary badge at the same time Nathan did.

So yes, there are lots of varied feelings at my house right now. But that’s ok. As we all know, life leads us down unexpected paths and all these ups and downs are giving us opportunities to learn and grow. In addition, as we learn in the Book of Mormon, there must be opposition in all things. (2 Nephi 2:11) These many mixed feelings are definitely a good example of that opposition.