As I mentioned on Monday, the past week has been an emotionally difficult one for us. But in the midst of everything, we’ve been the recipients of a multitude of tender mercies from the Lord. On Sunday I was given a very clear reminder that in spite of the fact that Matthew has had a number of allergic reactions over the years, we’ve never needed to use his Epipens. He has always thrown up almost immediately which clears the allergen from his body. I’m not good with vomit (that’s always been Kev’s job), but it is truly a blessing in comparison to anaphylaxis.
Yesterday evening the youth gathered for their weekly activity. They made a scrapbook of memories about Tanner to give to his family and then each one was able to write a message to Tanner on a balloon which they then released. Nathan really wanted to be there, but he is on the stage crew at the middle school this year and was scheduled to be at an event until 8:00 last night. However, the event started on time and everything went so smoothly that he was home by 7:20 and was able to make it to most of the activity. He still has some coping to do, but I think it was good for him, gave him a chance to share some memories and say goodbye. Another small but much appreciated blessings.
Daniel is the one of our kids that we’ve had the most trouble with in terms of our strict food rules. We’ve had numerous come to Jesus talks about not leaving peanut butter cup wrappers in the bathroom, not eating in his room, washing hands after handling or eating not Matthew friendly foods, cleaning surfaces of any residual allergens when he opts not to wash, etc. There have been uncountable eye rolls and huge sighs like I’m making him rip off his own arm and eat it. There has been grumping and complaining and a lack of cooperation from time to time. All our kids know that Matthew could die if he ate the wrong thing, but mortality is a nebulous idea to many kids and teens who feel like they will love forever. I think Tanner’s passing has made Daniel realize that we’re not exaggerating the seriousness of the situation. His rebellious attitude about the subject has dissipated. I’m sorry it had to be such a severe event to help him understand, but that understanding and cooperation is also a blessing for our family.
In the past week, I’ve also been reminded of how many good people are out there. Sometimes I think we get caught in our own little Mormon bubble and forget that we don’t have a monopoly on good people making good choices and loving their fellow men. This week has been a reminder to me that there is an abundance of good people out of the church as well as in. A friend of Tanner’s family set up a Go Fund Me account to help pay their medical and funeral expenses. It was posted on facebook and in 3 days, they raised $30,000. As I scrolled through the names of those who donated, I realized that there were a multitude of people donating who do not live in this area and are not related to Tanner. The vast majority of the donations were between $20 and $50. I saw several that were around $100, but the enormous amount of money was raised by an enormous amount of people each giving just a little. What a fabulous reminder to me that there are good people everywhere, all doing their own little part to make the world a better place.
Let me pass on a little advice. Take a minute. Count your blessings. Hug your kids extra hard. Tell them you love them. Make sure to express your gratitude to the Lord. And always remember “that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass.” (Alma 37:6) I’m enormously grateful for these small blessings, these tender mercies that the Lord has given us as we work through this struggle.
Showing posts with label Tanner. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tanner. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Monday, January 9, 2017
I Couldn't Celebrate
Today is my birthday. It was probably the worst birthday I’ve ever had. This evening we went to a viewing. It wasn’t a sad but peaceful “he had a good long life” viewing. It was a shocking and tragic “he was 14-years-old and passed away after going into anaphylactic shock caused by a cookie he ate.”
This has been hard for our family. Both Daniel and Nathan have spent time with this young man (his name was Tanner) in scouts and their priesthood quorum. Matthew and Tanner had similar allergies and Tanner is the one who loaned Matthew his football uniform for Halloween a couple of year ago. Tanner’s mom was my visiting teacher for a year or so and we both have food allergy kids so that was definitely something we talked about. So yeah, it has been hard.
It has been much harder on me that I would have expected and I know it’s because of the way Tanner died. This dear family is living my worst nightmare. In my nine years as a food allergy mom, I’ve had a lot of different emotions: sorrow, discouragement, disappointment, fear, anxiety, worry, relief, hope, my emotions have run the full gamut. But the one thing I’ve never been is angry. I’ve just always known that this was one of the trials that my family and I signed up for and that whatever happened, the Lord would see us through. But this week I spent a few days being angry. I was angry at this anomaly in their bodies that turns ordinary foods into poisons and is killing our kids. But the anger passed, and now there’s just sorrow. And fear. When I did the grocery shopping last week, I was reading labels just like I always do and when I found a couple of new products that were safe for Matthew and Malia, the little voice in my head told me that it wasn’t worth trying and I nearly put them back on the shelf. But I stopped, realizing that I can’t live like that. I can’t bubble wrap (or starve) my kids just because I’m freaking out. And I can’t take away their opportunities to try new things and expand their diets just because of a completely warranted but still irrational fear that anything new will be harmful. So I’m having a hard time. But I’ll be ok.
The boys are still struggling as well. Daniel is a pro at ignoring the harsher truths of life when he wants to, but going to the viewing made things very real very fast. Of all my kids, he is the one who has had the hardest time adhering to our necessarily strict foods rules. But all of a sudden, he’s been given a big dose of reality and a bit of fear for his siblings has crept into his thoughts. I suspect there will be fewer eye rolls in the future when I remind him to wash his hands or be super careful with his Snickers bar.
Of all the kids, I think this has hit Nathan the hardest. He found out about Tanner at school when the school counselor called him down to the office to see if he was ok. He was struggling to accept it all and kept saying things like, “I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around this,” or “But I just saw him last night.” After the viewing he told me that the closer we got to the front of the line (the response and support from the entire community has been huge so we waited quite a while to pay our respects and speak to Tanner’s family), the more he realized that he was not emotionally ready. I told him that we can never be emotionally ready for these things and that’s when the Lord steps in and holds us up.
Matthew is scared. He won’t say he is, but he is. And he has every right to be. I may be the food allergy mom who is afraid for her child, but he’s the food allergy kid who is allergic to far too many things. He’s the one who has the make sure that every bite that goes in his mouth is safe. He’s the one who has to take the risk each time we try something new. He hasn’t been eating his lunch at school, something that has happened before when he was afraid. So we keep reminding him that he is smart, that he knows what to do and that he is very careful. He always has been and as a result, he’s never needed to use his Epipens. We keep reminding him of these things and I think he’ll be just fine, but it is a lot for a 9-year-old to deal with.
My kids have been very blessed thus far in that their lives have not been touched much by death. This is really the first time someone they are close to has passed away. And the circumstances of his death have made it even harder for us. So there was no celebrating, no candles or cake, just a sick feeling in my stomach and a fervent prayer that my kids I would receive the comfort they need.
This has been hard for our family. Both Daniel and Nathan have spent time with this young man (his name was Tanner) in scouts and their priesthood quorum. Matthew and Tanner had similar allergies and Tanner is the one who loaned Matthew his football uniform for Halloween a couple of year ago. Tanner’s mom was my visiting teacher for a year or so and we both have food allergy kids so that was definitely something we talked about. So yeah, it has been hard.
It has been much harder on me that I would have expected and I know it’s because of the way Tanner died. This dear family is living my worst nightmare. In my nine years as a food allergy mom, I’ve had a lot of different emotions: sorrow, discouragement, disappointment, fear, anxiety, worry, relief, hope, my emotions have run the full gamut. But the one thing I’ve never been is angry. I’ve just always known that this was one of the trials that my family and I signed up for and that whatever happened, the Lord would see us through. But this week I spent a few days being angry. I was angry at this anomaly in their bodies that turns ordinary foods into poisons and is killing our kids. But the anger passed, and now there’s just sorrow. And fear. When I did the grocery shopping last week, I was reading labels just like I always do and when I found a couple of new products that were safe for Matthew and Malia, the little voice in my head told me that it wasn’t worth trying and I nearly put them back on the shelf. But I stopped, realizing that I can’t live like that. I can’t bubble wrap (or starve) my kids just because I’m freaking out. And I can’t take away their opportunities to try new things and expand their diets just because of a completely warranted but still irrational fear that anything new will be harmful. So I’m having a hard time. But I’ll be ok.
The boys are still struggling as well. Daniel is a pro at ignoring the harsher truths of life when he wants to, but going to the viewing made things very real very fast. Of all my kids, he is the one who has had the hardest time adhering to our necessarily strict foods rules. But all of a sudden, he’s been given a big dose of reality and a bit of fear for his siblings has crept into his thoughts. I suspect there will be fewer eye rolls in the future when I remind him to wash his hands or be super careful with his Snickers bar.
Of all the kids, I think this has hit Nathan the hardest. He found out about Tanner at school when the school counselor called him down to the office to see if he was ok. He was struggling to accept it all and kept saying things like, “I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around this,” or “But I just saw him last night.” After the viewing he told me that the closer we got to the front of the line (the response and support from the entire community has been huge so we waited quite a while to pay our respects and speak to Tanner’s family), the more he realized that he was not emotionally ready. I told him that we can never be emotionally ready for these things and that’s when the Lord steps in and holds us up.
Matthew is scared. He won’t say he is, but he is. And he has every right to be. I may be the food allergy mom who is afraid for her child, but he’s the food allergy kid who is allergic to far too many things. He’s the one who has the make sure that every bite that goes in his mouth is safe. He’s the one who has to take the risk each time we try something new. He hasn’t been eating his lunch at school, something that has happened before when he was afraid. So we keep reminding him that he is smart, that he knows what to do and that he is very careful. He always has been and as a result, he’s never needed to use his Epipens. We keep reminding him of these things and I think he’ll be just fine, but it is a lot for a 9-year-old to deal with.
My kids have been very blessed thus far in that their lives have not been touched much by death. This is really the first time someone they are close to has passed away. And the circumstances of his death have made it even harder for us. So there was no celebrating, no candles or cake, just a sick feeling in my stomach and a fervent prayer that my kids I would receive the comfort they need.
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