The Lord’s Hand

Like many of us, Nathan has had a hard week. Online learning is all good and fine for calculus and U.S. history, but things like choir and ASL don’t work as well digitally and as those classes are the highlights of his days, his current routine is lacking its normal perks. In addition, my very social 16-year-old is physically cut off from his peers. He’s been messaging pretty much non-stop, but nothing can really replace face to face interactions. Even though he doesn’t have any really close friends at school right now and in spite of the fact that he gets extraordinarily tired of all the social drama, the isolation is still tough. He had planned a movie and snack day with a friend for yesterday afternoon, but on Friday evening he discovered that another of his friends had close contact with a confirmed case of COVID-19 and as he started exploring who saw who and when before there were symptoms, he felt like he had better just call it off. As his mother I completely supported that decision, but it was yet another disappointment in a week full of them.

Last night Kevin and I talked with him at length, trying to help him find some focus, some light, some good in his current situation. One of the things that has been helpful to me has been to focus every day on at least one way I can see the Lord’s hand in my life. It reminds me to look for the good and to be grateful for the many blessings I receive each day, even on days that are hard. I mentioned that to Nathan as a way to help him focus on the light rather than the dark and it was one of those days when he really struggled to see it.

One of his extra big stressors this week has been the fact that his best friend, Tate, is currently serving a mission in the Philippines. Earlier this week, it was announced that the Philippines would be closing their borders in response to COVID-19. They gave 72 hours’ notice and immediately the church began to work to get the missionaries out of the country before they couldn’t leave. Nathan had reached out to his friend’s mother, but when he didn’t get any response, he felt like it was not the time to bug her. Smart kid, right? Anyway, not knowing anything about Tate has been very difficult for him. He’s worried. He’s been worried about Daniel all week as well.

Late this afternoon, Nathan opened the Facebook app, which is something he rarely does. He’s more likely to be on Instagram since that is where all his friends are. It just so happened that one of his friends had reposted a picture that has kind of gone viral on Facebook. It was originally posted by a Delta airlines employee. Delta airlines sent six planes and their crews are currently working forty hours straight to get a group of about 1100 missionaries out of the Philippines. That employee posted a picture of a few of the missionaries in one of the planes and of all the planes and all the hundreds of missionaries in each of multiple cabins on every plane, Tate is right in the center of the picture. My first reaction (after tearing up, of course) was to ask Nathan, “Can you see the Lord’s hand in your life?” The answer, of course, was yes. The picture had been posted approximately seven hours before and since it is a fourteen-hour flight, Tate was about halfway home at that time.

The Lord knows our needs. He knows our worries and concerns. He knows how to succor us. He knows that my 16-year old needed to know that his best friend was safe.

So yes, I’ve seen the Lord’s hand in my life today. Have you?

Called to Serve…For Now

With the world in commotion, one of the adjustments that has been made by Daniel’s mission president is that the missionaries are allowed to call home twice a week and those with health concerns can send a daily text updating their parents on how they are doing. As such, Daniel has messaged Kevin and I nearly every day this past week and I’m really grateful he has been able to do so because he’s been kind of freaking out about possibly coming home. It has been extremely stressful for him and being able to communicate with us has been good for his state of mind.

Daniel called this morning and about five minutes into the chat (we video chat via Skype), he got a phone call from the mission president’s wife. He ducked out for a minute and when he came back, he was visibly calmer. He gets to stay for now and he is so glad. We are glad. Yes, I do have worries about him, but I’m his mom and I had worries before Coronavirus crept into our vocabulary so that’s nothing new. And he will be on the mission nurse’s high priority watch list so that gives me a measure of reassurance. We know that there have already been several missionaries sent home due to health concerns, a dozen will be released next week at their 21-month mark, and there are at least three who will hit that same milestone in early May. With so many being sent home early, Daniel was really worried that he would join their ranks. He has learned so much already. He is a different person after just six months in the field. There is so much more work he wants to do and so much more that he wants to see and experience. He knows very realistically that he will probably not serve a full two years. With the way the world is right now, it seems to be a fact of missionary life. But for now, he gets to stay and hopefully he will see every day that he has in Oregon as a gift from the Lord.

During the course of our conversation, Daniel told me that he has spent a lot of time reviewing the notes I took when he was set apart. The stake president handed me a pen and paper before he started, and I typed it all up so Daniel could take it with him. Although I’m the one who did that work, I didn’t remember much of what was said because they were blessings for Daniel and I’m not the one who needed to keep them in mind. Or so I thought. Daniel reminded me that he was blessed that sickness would not prevent him from doing the work. At the time, that wasn’t a big deal. But in the midst of a pandemic, it’s huge.

So I still have a full time missionary. He is currently mostly quarantined and trying to figure out how to do the work of salvation digitally, but that’s ok. The Lord will provide what these valiant young men and women need in order for his work to progress. And he will bless all of them for the work they have given, even if is for a shorter time period than they had anticipated. feel so honored to have a child who has willingly chosen to serve and wants to serve so much that the thought of coming home early was keeping him up at night.

The Eye of the Storm

Over the past several days, I’ve kind of been the mind of reason in our house. In all honesty, that is not my usual job. I’m usually the one keeping a calm face on to prevent our kids from freaking out any more than they already are, and then being overwhelmed by anxiety when their backs are turned. With that in mind, I’ve spent a good deal of time ruminating about why I’m so at peace.

Kevin and I were able to go to the temple last night. He scheduled a family sealing session several weeks ago because his sister had a bunch of family names that needed sealings. I feel like it was a blessing that all our schedules happened to align and that we were able to get one last temple trip in before the temples close for proxy ordinances on Monday. We don’t know how long any of the current closures will last so I’m very grateful we were able to go. As we walked around in the temple, we could hear the wind wailing through the ventilated elevator shafts. The halls were still peaceful and in the ordinance rooms it was still quiet, but the sound of the wind in opposition to the peace in the temple made me feel like I was in the eye of the storm. That thought led me to the idea that the world is very much in turmoil and while we won’t be able to attend the temple for an undermined amount of time, our homes can and should be that same peaceful refuge from a world in commotion. Kevin, noticing the same opposition as I did, had two hymns come to his mind: “Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me” and “Master, the Tempest is Raging.” He felt like both of those hymns express very well how our children are feeling in our current circumstances. Things are out of our control and there is fear and anxiety about what may happen, but if we turn to our Savior, if we lean on him and trust in him, he will guide us through whatever is coming.

As we drove home, I had another thought. There will be a multicultural choir singing for the Saturday evening session of General Conference in a few weeks. The church started accepting applications in January and I applied, as did my sisters Rachael and Esther. I was invited to participate and while I’m super excited about that, the fly in the ointment was the fact that neither of my sisters were. Over 6300 applications were received, so obviously, choosing who would participate was a difficult process. On the evening of our first rehearsal, those who were involved with organizing the choir and choosing the participants told us that the Spirit was key in making all those decisions. Those of us who were invited to sing were there for the reason. The organizers didn’t know, and we might not even know, but each of us was supposed to participate. We were also told that we and our families would be blessed for our service in the choir.

As I thought on that, I think this uncharacteristic calm I’m feeling is one of those blessings. When it was announced earlier this week that general conference would be closed to the general public, we got an email from the choir organizers letting us know that the music is very important to the general authorities and that we would still be singing. When the governor banned group gatherings of more than 100 (there are 364 people in the choir) I thought that might be the death knell of the choir. But it was not long before we got another email informing us that “the First Presidency is very much still planning on having us sing live for conference.” (It was in bold, just like that.) There will need to be some adjustments made to our rehearsal schedule, but the choir is still a go. They also told us that if we are nervous about attending rehearsals with groups of people that we can contact the organizers and they will work something out, but honestly, if the prophet says we are still singing, that is good enough for me. I trust that he has our best interest in mind and since he has a pretty direct line to the highest authority, I trust that my health and well-being will be taken care of as far as choir participation goes.

I think that sense of calm trust in our prophet has translated into my life as a whole as a blessing of my willingness to sing in the choir. I don’t know how long it will last. Hopefully it will continue for the duration, but I’m pretty neurotic sometimes so we’ll see. And as for conference, it will most definitely be a general conference unlike any I’ve experienced before. And I’m not worried about where to park anymore. 😉

Blessed

As of today, I am 45 years old. I suppose that folks at my age are supposed to be having a midlife crisis or something, but honestly, I think I’m happier and more content with who I am than I have been at any other age. I know a good part of that is the fact that I’m not having a migraine every day. That is an enormous blessing for me. But that is only part of it.

Back in 2015, there was a general conference talk titled “What Lack I Yet?” It struck a cord with me and I decided to follow the counsel given and ask the Lord where I could improve. He answered, of course, and I began my journey by seeking to improve in that one way. Since then, the Lord has given me more gentle guidance concerning ways that I am yet lacking. Some have been fairly easy to amend, others quite a struggle. But through it all, I have felt certain that I was on the Lord’s path. He has helped me see the kind of person he wants me to become and one small step at a time, he is helping me get there. He has also given me a glimpse of how he sees me, which has been both humbling and inspiring.

As a result of all this, I think that I’ve got a better idea of who I am and who I want to be. And I’m less likely to compare myself to others, which is always a recipe for contentment. I feel extremely blessed to have the Lord guiding me on my path through life, “For with God nothing shall be impossible.” (Luke 1:37) Not even the reinvention of an average stay-at-home mom.

Tender Mercies

As I mentioned on Monday, the past week has been an emotionally difficult one for us. But in the midst of everything, we’ve been the recipients of a multitude of tender mercies from the Lord. On Sunday I was given a very clear reminder that in spite of the fact that Matthew has had a number of allergic reactions over the years, we’ve never needed to use his Epipens. He has always thrown up almost immediately which clears the allergen from his body. I’m not good with vomit (that’s always been Kev’s job), but it is truly a blessing in comparison to anaphylaxis.

Yesterday evening the youth gathered for their weekly activity. They made a scrapbook of memories about Tanner to give to his family and then each one was able to write a message to Tanner on a balloon which they then released. Nathan really wanted to be there, but he is on the stage crew at the middle school this year and was scheduled to be at an event until 8:00 last night. However, the event started on time and everything went so smoothly that he was home by 7:20 and was able to make it to most of the activity. He still has some coping to do, but I think it was good for him, gave him a chance to share some memories and say goodbye. Another small but much appreciated blessings.

Daniel is the one of our kids that we’ve had the most trouble with in terms of our strict food rules. We’ve had numerous come to Jesus talks about not leaving peanut butter cup wrappers in the bathroom, not eating in his room, washing hands after handling or eating not Matthew friendly foods, cleaning surfaces of any residual allergens when he opts not to wash, etc. There have been uncountable eye rolls and huge sighs like I’m making him rip off his own arm and eat it. There has been grumping and complaining and a lack of cooperation from time to time. All our kids know that Matthew could die if he ate the wrong thing, but mortality is a nebulous idea to many kids and teens who feel like they will love forever. I think Tanner’s passing has made Daniel realize that we’re not exaggerating the seriousness of the situation. His rebellious attitude about the subject has dissipated. I’m sorry it had to be such a severe event to help him understand, but that understanding and cooperation is also a blessing for our family.

In the past week, I’ve also been reminded of how many good people are out there. Sometimes I think we get caught in our own little Mormon bubble and forget that we don’t have a monopoly on good people making good choices and loving their fellow men. This week has been a reminder to me that there is an abundance of good people out of the church as well as in. A friend of Tanner’s family set up a Go Fund Me account to help pay their medical and funeral expenses. It was posted on facebook and in 3 days, they raised $30,000. As I scrolled through the names of those who donated, I realized that there were a multitude of people donating who do not live in this area and are not related to Tanner. The vast majority of the donations were between $20 and $50. I saw several that were around $100, but the enormous amount of money was raised by an enormous amount of people each giving just a little. What a fabulous reminder to me that there are good people everywhere, all doing their own little part to make the world a better place.

Let me pass on a little advice. Take a minute. Count your blessings. Hug your kids extra hard. Tell them you love them. Make sure to express your gratitude to the Lord. And always remember “that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass.” (Alma 37:6) I’m enormously grateful for these small blessings, these tender mercies that the Lord has given us as we work through this struggle.

Some Days Just Don't Go According to Plan

Today is Christmas Adam. (Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, Adam came before Eve, therefore today is Christmas Adam. This tidbit brought to you by our ward’s Teachers’ Quorum.) Kev has been running a fever for the past three days and he is finally on the downhill side of whatever he has. Now Malia is running a fever. Matthew woke up sick this morning as well, throwing up and running a fever. Poor kid. He really, really, really wants to not be sick on Christmas. I don’t blame him. Being sick is never fun, but being sick on Christmas is absolutely miserable.

I was sick on Christmas the year I was in first grade. I woke up sick on the very first day of Christmas vacation. I remember being sick a lot when I was a kid and spending a lot of time lying on the couch with a barf bowl. On this particular occasion I was so sick that I didn’t even make it to the couch. For a number of days I was in my bed feeling like death. As Christmas approached, Jon and Patti (my older brother and sister) would come in and encourage me to eat a little soup or drink some 7-Up so I could get better in time for Christmas. But I had no appetite and couldn’t keep anything down even if I did manage to eat it.

And so it went until I awoke on Christmas Day still just as sick. I did make it to the couch, but I just laid there not even caring that Christmas was happening all around me. My siblings tried to get me excited about the gifts that were for me, but I was still feeling so awful that I honestly could not work up any enthusiasm. As the day began to wane and I was feeling no better, my Dad called our home teacher and the two of them gave me a blessing. Within a few hours I was nearly completely recovered. As night fell and my siblings all went to bed, it was quiet and peaceful (something that rarely happens in a home with seven children) and I finally had my own little Christmas. I clearly remember finally being excited about the dolls and doll house furniture I received.

This particular experience is one that has always stuck in my mind for a couple of reasons. For starters, it was the first time I ever remember knowing without a doubt that there really is power in the priesthood. In all the subsequent years, I have never faltered in that knowledge. That’s how powerful a lesson it was for me. Second, it taught me that in spite of all the grief that siblings may give each other (and believe me, with seven of us there was grief a plenty), there is love there. The kindness and compassion my two older siblings showed to me is one of the only clear memories I have of those sick days. This is a particularly valuable reminder for me now as I watch my own children bicker and fight and wonder if they are ever going to get along. I believe it will come, with time and age and understanding because in spite of it all, there is love there.

I know it doesn’t help Matthew at all, but I know how rough it is to be sick on Christmas. While he still has a full day until our first holiday gathering, I have a feeling that we may just be hunkering down at home for Christmas this year. Nathan was pretty disappointed when we had that conversation a bit earlier today, but when I explained that it is more important to be together on Christmas that it is to attend all the fun parties, I think he understood. Because in spite of all the drama that happens between Nathan and Matthew, there is love there.

So to wrap things up, we may not currently be merry and bright but we are still hoping to have some holiday cheer. If you show up at our door we will welcome you, just enter at your own risk. You may go home with the plague.

Living the Good Life

In the past week I’ve heard from several friends that are having problems. Epic, potentially life changing problems.  As I’ve talked with them, thought about them, prayed for them, it has made me think about my own problems. Sure there have been times when my troubles were pretty big. But for the most part the things that cause me stress, the things that seem hard, like having a sticky floor, a messy house, children that are constantly bickering, too much to do and not enough time, are actually just the side effects of having it all. I have a sticky floor because we have enough to eat. Having a messy house means I have an amazing place to live. The fact that my children are constantly bickering means that they are strong enough and healthy enough to have some fight in them. And the reason I have so much to do is because I have the supreme blessing of getting to take care of the people I love. So really, my day to day difficulties are just a reminder that I’m living the good life. I really do have the best there is to have.