A Couple of Firsts

As I’ve mentioned in the past, this is Matthew’s first year of marching band. He has been in rehearsals regularly since July. It is hard work, but he’s been loving it. Last night was Matthew’s first ever marching band competition and he was equal parts excited and nervous. That’s pretty normal state to be in for a performer of any kind, so I wasn’t surprised. 

This particular competition was held close to home, so the rest of us drove over to watch his performance. I’m going to be completely honest and admit that I don’t get the whole competitive marching band conceptual show thing. For me, fun music and marching into recognizable formations or making letters or something is all I know about what good marching band performances should be. So I struggle to say what they do well other than the music, which I can at least say was played well even if I don’t actually understand what the music has to do with the theme of the show, and the crispness/unity of their overall movements. But with my limited marching band expertise, I felt like they did a good job.

Apparently, I was not the only one who felt like they did well, because they took first place in their division. They also took captions (secondary awards for each of the areas that are part of the show-music, props, color guard, etc.) for both music and color guard. Matthew, and I assume all the kids, were totally hyped that they did so well. They have spent countless hours rehearsing and all that time and effort has led the band to start the season strong!

A Good Day

It was a good day for Nathan. He got a job, a temp job that will end just in time for spring semester to begin if he decides to go back to school in January. This morning he was interviewed and set apart as an ordinance worker at the temple. He is currently on his way to an institute class about John the Beloved that is taught in ASL. He is in a super good mood. 

Now if only he didn’t have a blazing headache…but at least it’s not coloring his mood today. 

Life in Color

Instead of selling something as a fundraiser, our elementary school simply asks for donations. They have small rewards for those kids whose families donate and there are class and grade rewards based on how much money each raises. At the end of the donation period, they hold a color run at the school. They make it into kind of a mini carnival with food trucks, refreshments, and bounce houses. The color run itself is free and all the students are invited to participate whether their family donates or not, so it is really just a fun event for the entire school.

Although Malia was anxious to meet up with her friends and hang out at the school, she wasn’t very excited about the actual color run this year. She didn’t think she was going to do it and told us that she was just planning to spend time with her groupies. I was hoping that she would change her mind though. She is a sixth grader this year and this will be the last chance she has to participate in this specific event. I know that in a lot of ways she feels like she has outgrown the elementary school, but I’m don’t want her to have any regrets about things later on. I want her to feel like she has taken advantage of every opportunity that interests her and that she had a great year. So I encouraged her to wear her school provided white t-shirt just in case. I was pleased when she did, giving her reason as, “Why not?”

An hour later, Kev sent me a picture of Malia multicolored and pleased as punch. She decided to participate in the color run, just as I had hoped. And she had a great time. In fact, she said that doing the color run totally made up for the lack of mud at the mud run. That’s one thing that I love about Malia. She has faced a variety of disappointments in her life, as we all do, but as she moves forward and has other experiences, she allows the joy of the opportunities she does have to shake off the disappointment. In essence, she lets go of the sorrow and allows joy to grow in its place. 

I’m so proud of this tendency she has to “accentuate the positive.” As a family we have talked a lot over the past few years about looking for and focusing on the good and I feel like Malia is taking that to heart. It has served her well up to this point and having an optimistic outlook will be enormously beneficial throughout her life. 

Mixed Feelings

There are lots of conflicting emotions at our house today. Nathan arrived home and he looked weary and headachy and thinner when he stepped off the plane. He’s relieved to be home because it means he can actually stop and give his body the time and sleep it needs to begin the process off breaking the headache. He knows home is where he is supposed to be, but he’s also worried about some of the missionaries he left behind. He’s glad he has an appointment with the neurologist first thing tomorrow because he is well and truly tired of having a headache. He doesn’t know what it feels like not to have a headache anymore. I can understand that completely. He also said that the 90-degree weather with nearly no humidity felt nice and cool.

I’m relieved he is home so I can finally do something to help him. I’m also worried about him and anxious to get him to the doctor so we can start the process of finding what his body needs to help improve the headache situation. I’m sad for the time he won’t have in Texas and so, so sorry that the headaches he has inherited from me have thrown a monkey wrench into his life plan. But I’m also at peace, knowing that coming home was the right choice for him to make.

Kevin is also relieved that Nathan is finally home and has worked really hard over the past week to have everything ready for him to arrive so that he can just crash and sleep as long as he needs. He’s trying to anticipate Nathan’s needs and is working hard to give Nathan the time and space he needs to figure out what is next. 

When we told Daniel that Nathan was coming home, Daniel laughed. It wasn’t a mean or hard-hearted laugh though, just a “isn’t life ironic” chuckle seeing as Daniel came home just a couple days after his six-month mark and Nathan’s arrival home followed almost exactly the same timeline. With Daniel away at school, his day-to-day life hasn’t been changed much by Nathan’s absence, but they have become good friends and I know that having him back in Logan whenever his path leads him back to school will be nice for Daniel.

For Matthew, having Nathan home is strange because it was definitely not the plan. The unexpected arrival home of his brother who was supposed to be gone for much longer is kind of making his brain spin as he reestablishes what our home life is like right now. Mentally he had planned to see Nathan again when he was more than halfway through high school, so he is trying to realign his expectations with our newly adjusted family plan.

Malia is just glad Nathan is home. She and Toothless created a wonderful welcome home for Nathan before she went to school this morning. Being the youngest has been a bit hard for her because she feels like all her brothers are leaving her behind. There’s nothing we can do to change that, and we wouldn’t if we could since we have raised our children with the goal of having them become independent, responsible, and confident adults, but it has been hard on Malia. Nathan having Tiny Toothless as a travel companion was all about having a personal connection to Malia and Big Toothless here at home relinquished his shirt, tie and missionary badge at the same time Nathan did.

So yes, there are lots of varied feelings at my house right now. But that’s ok. As we all know, life leads us down unexpected paths and all these ups and downs are giving us opportunities to learn and grow. In addition, as we learn in the Book of Mormon, there must be opposition in all things. (2 Nephi 2:11) These many mixed feelings are definitely a good example of that opposition.

Texas Extras

Due to the idiosyncrasies of the postal system in Texas, all mail to Nathan was sent to the mission office. From there it was distributed as time and travel of zone leaders and such permitted. While that protected the missionaries from unexpected charges for package delivery, it also meant that mail did not reach its final destination for an undetermined amount of time. It was a bit frustrating at times, but it was entertaining when Nathan had half dozen boxes waiting for him all at the same time.

Three weeks ago, Malia and I assembled a package for Nathan. We had just spoken to him, and he was looking really rough around the edges. He was getting more and more worn down by the headaches and I felt like some mail from home would be a good pick me up. Malia baked cookies and we all worked to find some goodies to fill the box. Knowing that it would probably take longer to get to Nathan than we would have liked, I put some extra thought into how to package the baked goods so there was half a chance they would be somewhat fresh upon arrival. I sealed them in FoodSaver bags with either a tortilla or a slice of bread in each to help keep the cookies soft. I dated the bags so Nathan would know how old the cookies were when he got them, and his job was to tell us how they fared.

The package arrived in Texas only a couple days after we mailed it, but when we spoke to Nathan the following week, he had not yet received it. Two weeks after we mailed the package, Nathan finally got his mail. Homemade coconut granola had also been included in the box and apparently the entire box smelled of coconut. Malia had tucked in one of her fabulous chickens and since the theme of the box was “C is for…” Matthew printed a picture of Calvin Coolidge. That week was the day when Nathan counseled with Kevin and I about coming home, so needless to say, he was really distracted. Nathan and his companion consumed the granola with gusto, but he forgot all about the cookies. 

Nathan was made a district leader at the last transfer, so today was his last district counsel before he comes home tomorrow. He pulled out the cookies to share with his district and gave a report on the success of our packaging. All the cookies were still soft. The ones packaged with bread were softer than those tucked in with tortillas, but they were all completely eatable. The only problem that occurred was the fact that the vacuum sealing and the extended wait time pretty much glued the cookies to the bread/tortillas. Most of the missionaries pried them off and ate them anyway, but Nathan told us one of the elders ate his with the tortilla. That made me laugh. I’m glad the entire zone enjoyed Malia’s treats. And though I won’t be needing the knowledge right away, next time I would slip a piece of parchment paper between the cookies and the bread to solve the problem.

After their counsel, the entire district went out to lunch. Nathan wanted to spend as much time with them as he could before leaving Texas and I can’t blame him. Although he knows that coming home is the right choice, it is still difficult for him to leave. He has loved being in Texas, has loved the work, and will miss many of the people he has met.

Musing of a Missionary Mama

It is often said that life doesn’t always turn out like we expect and the older I get, the more I am convinced that it is true. Nathan left for Texas with every intention of being there for two years, but once again I have a son whose time in the mission field has been cut short. It seems like six months is some kind of a deadline for my boys because Daniel came home nearly six months to the day after he began his mission and Nathan’s six-month mark was yesterday. Nathan’s circumstances, however, are very different from Daniel’s. A pandemic and the desire to be obedient and follow the prophet’s counsel is what brought Daniel home prematurely. Nathan will be coming home for medical reasons, and it was a choice he made on his own after consulting with his mission president, Kevin and I, and the Lord. 

I’ve been very worried about Nathan for months, as have Kevin and the mission president. We have all done everything we could to help Nathan get the headache under control, but despite the miracles we have seen and the short reprieve he had after seeing the headache specialist, things have escalated. Several weeks ago, Nathan started having some side effects from the first medication he was prescribed in Texas, some slowed cognitive function and difficulty thinking. Basically, he was super groggy and sluggish, felt all doped up and couldn’t think clearly. When we spoke to him on P-day two weeks ago, my gut feeling was that he needed to get off the medication he was on. Some of these maintenance meds require tapering off so the body doesn’t react poorly though, so I advised him to call the neurologist’s office, which he did. 

Nathan messaged us first thing last Monday morning with some worrisome info, letting us know that overnight he had begun having some severe symptoms. He had called the mission nurse at 3:00 in the morning and after she consulted with the mission doctor, Nathan was told that they suspected the symptoms were a severe reaction to the same medication. Rather than sending him to an urgent care in the middle of the night, they advised Nathan to hold off any treatment until he could consult with the neurologist that afternoon. He had been able to schedule a virtual appointment with the neurologist despite his schedule being completely full for the next six or seven months (another tender mercy) and during that appointment he was given directions on how to taper off the medication. He was also told that the side effects should go away as the medication left his system, but he was in really bad shape when we spoke to him later that afternoon. He was exhausted, in pain, still had a headache, and had gotten to the point where he could no longer push through the misery and discomfort. 

That was pretty much the tipping point for Nathan. He fought hard to be able to stay in Texas, did everything he could to manage the headache, and was able to work through it due to sheer determination. He puts on a good show, and I suspect most people had no idea what he was dealing with, but by last week he had reached his physical breaking point and knew that he couldn’t continue. He feels like those last serious symptoms were the Lord’s way of telling him that it is was time to go home, that what he had offered was enough and that it was ok to focus on his health.

The process of bringing him home began the following day. Nathan conferred with us once more, then called the mission president to let him know what he had decided. The one caveat Nathan requested was that he be allowed to stay long enough to attend the fireside that took place last night. To me, it felt like that fireside would be the culmination of his work in Texas, an event that would bring him a sense of completion. The mission president was in complete agreement on all accounts and after speaking to our stake president last week, called to speak with us and make sure we were kept informed on what was happening. He told me Nathan would be home today or tomorrow at the latest, assured me that he approved of Nathan’s decision, and told me that once the request to return home on medical leave was approved by one of the general authorities, the travel office would make flight arrangements. He also told me that he has seen how hard Nathan had worked, was fully aware of his great desire to stay in the field and shared with me the fact that even before he arrived in the mission two months ago, he knew who Nathan was and was just astounded by the amazing facial expressions that Nathan has when he signs. As part of their preparation, the mission president and his wife worked to know each and every one of the missionaries by name and face before they entered the field. They had watched the ASL videos Nathan had been posting on Facebook and his enthusiasm for the work and the language were clear to see. President knows how much Nathan would like to stay, but he also knows that if he stays, he will be further sacrificing his health to do so.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, Nathan did not come home today. There has been a delay in Nathan’s paperwork so we are still waiting to get details about when he will actually fly home. I’ve called to reschedule his appointment with my neurologist (a headache specialist it took me twenty years to find and who has helped me reclaim my life from the clutches of chronic migraine) twice already and will need to call at least once more due to the delays. I think that now that the decision is made, Nathan is anxious to get home. He is relieved that he doesn’t have to fight this anymore and that he will be able to stop, get the help he needs, and take the time his body requires to break the headache. That is our number one objective. Once that is accomplished, we can work on establishing a good maintenance plan and Nathan can think about what is next for him. At this point he only knows what this one step is. But he also knows that the Lord has a plan for him and that there is more work for him to do. He doesn’t know what that work is or where, but he trusts the Lord and knows that he’ll be given the direction he needs when he needs it.

Over the years I have learned that being a mother is hard work. There are no paid vacations and no weekends off. It is physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually taxing at times. There are days that leave you in tears and days that send you to your knees and days when you don’t know what you are doing and wonder if you’ve messed it all up. On the flipside, motherhood is one of the most rewarding things I’ve done in my lifetime. To see your child learn and grow, to know that you are the most important person in his or her little world for a few years, to watch them gain experience and develop their talents, to see them work and serve brings a sense of joy and fulfillment that nothing else can. Motherhood holds challenges and rewards in equal measure.

One of the challenges I could never have predicted was the grief I feel over the disappointments and sorrows that happen in my children’s lives. It seems that I feel them nearly as deeply as they do and my tears for their sorrows are just as real as the tears for my own struggles. When Covid ended Daniel’s mission far too soon, he grieved for a time. In fact, there are still moments when he feels that disappointment deeply. I grieved with him, shedding tears for his lost opportunities, feeling his sense of loss as if it were my own. In fact, I still feel sorrow over the fact that his time of service was cut so short. That has been unexpected for me. I thought as time passed the sadness would pass quickly because it was not over my own loss. But while it is tempered with time, it is still there. It is an unanticipated part of motherhood that the parenting books don’t address.

As Nathan’s time in Texas has also ended far too soon, I find myself grieving again. Added to that sadness is the knowledge that he did everything he could to be well enough to stay and yet the physical weaknesses he has been given were too much. He has suffered physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He has prayed endlessly for strength and guidance. He has taught and worked when others would have stayed home in bed. And through it all, he has humbly sought for understanding to try to make sense of the adversities he has faced.

Nathan has given his all to serve the people in Texas. He has worked hard and sacrificed much for them. He has loved them and cared for them. He has taught them and counseled with them. There are people in Texas who have been changed forever by their interactions with Nathan. And I know that Nathan has been changed forever by his interactions with them. While he is sad that his time there has been cut short, he knows that coming home at this time is right and he knows that the Lord has a plan for him. Only time will tell what that plan is, but Nathan is looking forward and not backward and is prepared for the Lord to guide him along the way.

Texas Extras

For the past several transfers, Nathan has been working to organize a stake musical fireside at the request of his first mission president. Although Nathan transferred out of that stake several weeks ago, he has been planning from afar and guiding his previous companion in the last organizational details. He got permission to drive back to Arlington for the fireside, which was held this evening. The theme was centered on the Savior’s love which is perfect for any fireside, but in my opinion, especially fitting for a missionary focused one as they are out in the world teaching people about the Savior and the love he has for each of us. Nathan has been incredibly excited about this event from the very beginning, and has put a lot of effort, enthusiasm, and love into its planning.

One of the good things that came out of the pandemic is the fact that pretty much everyone in the church is comfortable with streaming events and meeting virtually and as such, we were able to watch the fireside from here. There were some technical difficulties with the stream so it wasn’t available to watch until about twenty minutes past the start time, but we watched the rest and it was wonderful. There were so many members who participated. All the music was interpreted into ASL so it was deaf accessible as well. The Spirit was there. Nathan was conducting the meeting and I was so proud of the strong testimony he bore, of the love he expressed for the Savior, with the gentleness of his voice. He has gained even greater conviction in his beliefs in the past six months. It was a beautiful way for us to send a Sunday evening and I’m so grateful for the technology that allowed us to participate in this portion of Nathan’s missionary work.

It’s Autumn Time

For most people, fall is football season. Around here, it is marching band season. Ok, so maybe it’s marching band season for Daniel, football season for Kevin, and a lively combination of the two for Matthew. But whichever comes first in each person’s mind, this year we have two sons marching. Daniel is glad to be back, and Matthew is super excited about his first marching season!