Mixed Feelings

There are lots of conflicting emotions at our house today. Nathan arrived home and he looked weary and headachy and thinner when he stepped off the plane. He’s relieved to be home because it means he can actually stop and give his body the time and sleep it needs to begin the process off breaking the headache. He knows home is where he is supposed to be, but he’s also worried about some of the missionaries he left behind. He’s glad he has an appointment with the neurologist first thing tomorrow because he is well and truly tired of having a headache. He doesn’t know what it feels like not to have a headache anymore. I can understand that completely. He also said that the 90-degree weather with nearly no humidity felt nice and cool.

I’m relieved he is home so I can finally do something to help him. I’m also worried about him and anxious to get him to the doctor so we can start the process of finding what his body needs to help improve the headache situation. I’m sad for the time he won’t have in Texas and so, so sorry that the headaches he has inherited from me have thrown a monkey wrench into his life plan. But I’m also at peace, knowing that coming home was the right choice for him to make.

Kevin is also relieved that Nathan is finally home and has worked really hard over the past week to have everything ready for him to arrive so that he can just crash and sleep as long as he needs. He’s trying to anticipate Nathan’s needs and is working hard to give Nathan the time and space he needs to figure out what is next. 

When we told Daniel that Nathan was coming home, Daniel laughed. It wasn’t a mean or hard-hearted laugh though, just a “isn’t life ironic” chuckle seeing as Daniel came home just a couple days after his six-month mark and Nathan’s arrival home followed almost exactly the same timeline. With Daniel away at school, his day-to-day life hasn’t been changed much by Nathan’s absence, but they have become good friends and I know that having him back in Logan whenever his path leads him back to school will be nice for Daniel.

For Matthew, having Nathan home is strange because it was definitely not the plan. The unexpected arrival home of his brother who was supposed to be gone for much longer is kind of making his brain spin as he reestablishes what our home life is like right now. Mentally he had planned to see Nathan again when he was more than halfway through high school, so he is trying to realign his expectations with our newly adjusted family plan.

Malia is just glad Nathan is home. She and Toothless created a wonderful welcome home for Nathan before she went to school this morning. Being the youngest has been a bit hard for her because she feels like all her brothers are leaving her behind. There’s nothing we can do to change that, and we wouldn’t if we could since we have raised our children with the goal of having them become independent, responsible, and confident adults, but it has been hard on Malia. Nathan having Tiny Toothless as a travel companion was all about having a personal connection to Malia and Big Toothless here at home relinquished his shirt, tie and missionary badge at the same time Nathan did.

So yes, there are lots of varied feelings at my house right now. But that’s ok. As we all know, life leads us down unexpected paths and all these ups and downs are giving us opportunities to learn and grow. In addition, as we learn in the Book of Mormon, there must be opposition in all things. (2 Nephi 2:11) These many mixed feelings are definitely a good example of that opposition.

Texas Extras

Due to the idiosyncrasies of the postal system in Texas, all mail to Nathan was sent to the mission office. From there it was distributed as time and travel of zone leaders and such permitted. While that protected the missionaries from unexpected charges for package delivery, it also meant that mail did not reach its final destination for an undetermined amount of time. It was a bit frustrating at times, but it was entertaining when Nathan had half dozen boxes waiting for him all at the same time.

Three weeks ago, Malia and I assembled a package for Nathan. We had just spoken to him, and he was looking really rough around the edges. He was getting more and more worn down by the headaches and I felt like some mail from home would be a good pick me up. Malia baked cookies and we all worked to find some goodies to fill the box. Knowing that it would probably take longer to get to Nathan than we would have liked, I put some extra thought into how to package the baked goods so there was half a chance they would be somewhat fresh upon arrival. I sealed them in FoodSaver bags with either a tortilla or a slice of bread in each to help keep the cookies soft. I dated the bags so Nathan would know how old the cookies were when he got them, and his job was to tell us how they fared.

The package arrived in Texas only a couple days after we mailed it, but when we spoke to Nathan the following week, he had not yet received it. Two weeks after we mailed the package, Nathan finally got his mail. Homemade coconut granola had also been included in the box and apparently the entire box smelled of coconut. Malia had tucked in one of her fabulous chickens and since the theme of the box was “C is for…” Matthew printed a picture of Calvin Coolidge. That week was the day when Nathan counseled with Kevin and I about coming home, so needless to say, he was really distracted. Nathan and his companion consumed the granola with gusto, but he forgot all about the cookies. 

Nathan was made a district leader at the last transfer, so today was his last district counsel before he comes home tomorrow. He pulled out the cookies to share with his district and gave a report on the success of our packaging. All the cookies were still soft. The ones packaged with bread were softer than those tucked in with tortillas, but they were all completely eatable. The only problem that occurred was the fact that the vacuum sealing and the extended wait time pretty much glued the cookies to the bread/tortillas. Most of the missionaries pried them off and ate them anyway, but Nathan told us one of the elders ate his with the tortilla. That made me laugh. I’m glad the entire zone enjoyed Malia’s treats. And though I won’t be needing the knowledge right away, next time I would slip a piece of parchment paper between the cookies and the bread to solve the problem.

After their counsel, the entire district went out to lunch. Nathan wanted to spend as much time with them as he could before leaving Texas and I can’t blame him. Although he knows that coming home is the right choice, it is still difficult for him to leave. He has loved being in Texas, has loved the work, and will miss many of the people he has met.

Musing of a Missionary Mama

It is often said that life doesn’t always turn out like we expect and the older I get, the more I am convinced that it is true. Nathan left for Texas with every intention of being there for two years, but once again I have a son whose time in the mission field has been cut short. It seems like six months is some kind of a deadline for my boys because Daniel came home nearly six months to the day after he began his mission and Nathan’s six-month mark was yesterday. Nathan’s circumstances, however, are very different from Daniel’s. A pandemic and the desire to be obedient and follow the prophet’s counsel is what brought Daniel home prematurely. Nathan will be coming home for medical reasons, and it was a choice he made on his own after consulting with his mission president, Kevin and I, and the Lord. 

I’ve been very worried about Nathan for months, as have Kevin and the mission president. We have all done everything we could to help Nathan get the headache under control, but despite the miracles we have seen and the short reprieve he had after seeing the headache specialist, things have escalated. Several weeks ago, Nathan started having some side effects from the first medication he was prescribed in Texas, some slowed cognitive function and difficulty thinking. Basically, he was super groggy and sluggish, felt all doped up and couldn’t think clearly. When we spoke to him on P-day two weeks ago, my gut feeling was that he needed to get off the medication he was on. Some of these maintenance meds require tapering off so the body doesn’t react poorly though, so I advised him to call the neurologist’s office, which he did. 

Nathan messaged us first thing last Monday morning with some worrisome info, letting us know that overnight he had begun having some severe symptoms. He had called the mission nurse at 3:00 in the morning and after she consulted with the mission doctor, Nathan was told that they suspected the symptoms were a severe reaction to the same medication. Rather than sending him to an urgent care in the middle of the night, they advised Nathan to hold off any treatment until he could consult with the neurologist that afternoon. He had been able to schedule a virtual appointment with the neurologist despite his schedule being completely full for the next six or seven months (another tender mercy) and during that appointment he was given directions on how to taper off the medication. He was also told that the side effects should go away as the medication left his system, but he was in really bad shape when we spoke to him later that afternoon. He was exhausted, in pain, still had a headache, and had gotten to the point where he could no longer push through the misery and discomfort. 

That was pretty much the tipping point for Nathan. He fought hard to be able to stay in Texas, did everything he could to manage the headache, and was able to work through it due to sheer determination. He puts on a good show, and I suspect most people had no idea what he was dealing with, but by last week he had reached his physical breaking point and knew that he couldn’t continue. He feels like those last serious symptoms were the Lord’s way of telling him that it is was time to go home, that what he had offered was enough and that it was ok to focus on his health.

The process of bringing him home began the following day. Nathan conferred with us once more, then called the mission president to let him know what he had decided. The one caveat Nathan requested was that he be allowed to stay long enough to attend the fireside that took place last night. To me, it felt like that fireside would be the culmination of his work in Texas, an event that would bring him a sense of completion. The mission president was in complete agreement on all accounts and after speaking to our stake president last week, called to speak with us and make sure we were kept informed on what was happening. He told me Nathan would be home today or tomorrow at the latest, assured me that he approved of Nathan’s decision, and told me that once the request to return home on medical leave was approved by one of the general authorities, the travel office would make flight arrangements. He also told me that he has seen how hard Nathan had worked, was fully aware of his great desire to stay in the field and shared with me the fact that even before he arrived in the mission two months ago, he knew who Nathan was and was just astounded by the amazing facial expressions that Nathan has when he signs. As part of their preparation, the mission president and his wife worked to know each and every one of the missionaries by name and face before they entered the field. They had watched the ASL videos Nathan had been posting on Facebook and his enthusiasm for the work and the language were clear to see. President knows how much Nathan would like to stay, but he also knows that if he stays, he will be further sacrificing his health to do so.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, Nathan did not come home today. There has been a delay in Nathan’s paperwork so we are still waiting to get details about when he will actually fly home. I’ve called to reschedule his appointment with my neurologist (a headache specialist it took me twenty years to find and who has helped me reclaim my life from the clutches of chronic migraine) twice already and will need to call at least once more due to the delays. I think that now that the decision is made, Nathan is anxious to get home. He is relieved that he doesn’t have to fight this anymore and that he will be able to stop, get the help he needs, and take the time his body requires to break the headache. That is our number one objective. Once that is accomplished, we can work on establishing a good maintenance plan and Nathan can think about what is next for him. At this point he only knows what this one step is. But he also knows that the Lord has a plan for him and that there is more work for him to do. He doesn’t know what that work is or where, but he trusts the Lord and knows that he’ll be given the direction he needs when he needs it.

Over the years I have learned that being a mother is hard work. There are no paid vacations and no weekends off. It is physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually taxing at times. There are days that leave you in tears and days that send you to your knees and days when you don’t know what you are doing and wonder if you’ve messed it all up. On the flipside, motherhood is one of the most rewarding things I’ve done in my lifetime. To see your child learn and grow, to know that you are the most important person in his or her little world for a few years, to watch them gain experience and develop their talents, to see them work and serve brings a sense of joy and fulfillment that nothing else can. Motherhood holds challenges and rewards in equal measure.

One of the challenges I could never have predicted was the grief I feel over the disappointments and sorrows that happen in my children’s lives. It seems that I feel them nearly as deeply as they do and my tears for their sorrows are just as real as the tears for my own struggles. When Covid ended Daniel’s mission far too soon, he grieved for a time. In fact, there are still moments when he feels that disappointment deeply. I grieved with him, shedding tears for his lost opportunities, feeling his sense of loss as if it were my own. In fact, I still feel sorrow over the fact that his time of service was cut so short. That has been unexpected for me. I thought as time passed the sadness would pass quickly because it was not over my own loss. But while it is tempered with time, it is still there. It is an unanticipated part of motherhood that the parenting books don’t address.

As Nathan’s time in Texas has also ended far too soon, I find myself grieving again. Added to that sadness is the knowledge that he did everything he could to be well enough to stay and yet the physical weaknesses he has been given were too much. He has suffered physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He has prayed endlessly for strength and guidance. He has taught and worked when others would have stayed home in bed. And through it all, he has humbly sought for understanding to try to make sense of the adversities he has faced.

Nathan has given his all to serve the people in Texas. He has worked hard and sacrificed much for them. He has loved them and cared for them. He has taught them and counseled with them. There are people in Texas who have been changed forever by their interactions with Nathan. And I know that Nathan has been changed forever by his interactions with them. While he is sad that his time there has been cut short, he knows that coming home at this time is right and he knows that the Lord has a plan for him. Only time will tell what that plan is, but Nathan is looking forward and not backward and is prepared for the Lord to guide him along the way.

Texas Extras

For the past several transfers, Nathan has been working to organize a stake musical fireside at the request of his first mission president. Although Nathan transferred out of that stake several weeks ago, he has been planning from afar and guiding his previous companion in the last organizational details. He got permission to drive back to Arlington for the fireside, which was held this evening. The theme was centered on the Savior’s love which is perfect for any fireside, but in my opinion, especially fitting for a missionary focused one as they are out in the world teaching people about the Savior and the love he has for each of us. Nathan has been incredibly excited about this event from the very beginning, and has put a lot of effort, enthusiasm, and love into its planning.

One of the good things that came out of the pandemic is the fact that pretty much everyone in the church is comfortable with streaming events and meeting virtually and as such, we were able to watch the fireside from here. There were some technical difficulties with the stream so it wasn’t available to watch until about twenty minutes past the start time, but we watched the rest and it was wonderful. There were so many members who participated. All the music was interpreted into ASL so it was deaf accessible as well. The Spirit was there. Nathan was conducting the meeting and I was so proud of the strong testimony he bore, of the love he expressed for the Savior, with the gentleness of his voice. He has gained even greater conviction in his beliefs in the past six months. It was a beautiful way for us to send a Sunday evening and I’m so grateful for the technology that allowed us to participate in this portion of Nathan’s missionary work.

It’s Autumn Time

For most people, fall is football season. Around here, it is marching band season. Ok, so maybe it’s marching band season for Daniel, football season for Kevin, and a lively combination of the two for Matthew. But whichever comes first in each person’s mind, this year we have two sons marching. Daniel is glad to be back, and Matthew is super excited about his first marching season!

Disappointing Clean Boredom

Last week Rachael asked me if Malia was interested in doing a mud run with Kate. Rachael’s men folk were going to do a terrain run which is basically a 5k mashed up with an obstacle course and liberally coated in mud. There was a shorter kids’ version for kids up to age 10 and Kate really wanted to do it but wanted someone to do it with her. I asked Malia if she was interested expecting her to say no due to the running and mud and general outdoors in the blazing heat elements, but she surprised me by saying yes. I suspect the lure of time spent with Kate outweighed any reservations. So we got her all registered, figured out what she could wear that could be thrown out if it never came clean and she was psyched to go.

The run was this morning and unfortunately, it was a huge let down. The scaled down version was more appropriate for 3–4-year-olds…and there was no mud. At all. Malia described it as a lot of standing around with a little running. She was actually really disappointed. I made sure to tell her that I was really proud of her for trying something new and I hope that she will continue to be willing to try new things.

The full terrain run had mud, and more mud, and then a little mud. Rachael and her older crew got completely filthy and had a fantastic time. I don’t think Malia would be able to actually do the full 5k at this point, but perhaps in the future we can find another opportunity for her to expand her experiences and get really, really dirty.

Texas Extras

One of the tender mercies associated with being the mother of a missionary is the intense gratitude I feel for all the people who are taking care of my son. He has been fed, watched over, and loved by two mission presidents and the rest of the presidency, two mission nurses and two mission doctors, the senior missionaries who work in the mission office, his trainer, his companions, the people in the wards where he serves, the people he meets as he proselytes, the other missionaries, the extended family he has met, etc. Although he is far from home, I know that he is being watched over by the Lord in addition to the many earthly angels he has encountered. 

This past week has been hard for a number of reasons, but that stress has been tempered a bit by the fact that two of those blessedly kind angels from Texas reached out to me to share a picture of my son in their homes and to tell me what a difference he has made in the lives of those he has worked with. Nathan is not one to blow his own horn, so these little tidbits are things he will never send in an email or tell us himself. But they warm my heart and show me that not only is he using his spiritual gifts, but they have been magnified as he has grown to love and serve the people in Texas. He has a tender heart, always has, and his innate empathy and kindness have been a blessing for many. 

I received the first set of messages on Friday evening from the relief society president in the ward in which Nathan is currently serving. He had the opportunity to do an exchange with his trainer, and this sister fed them dinner. She sent me this message: 

“We had these wonderful Elders over for dinner tonight. We’re so grateful Elder **** is in our ward! He is full of goodness and is wise and kind.

He’s just wonderful and has a very loving way about him-I went with him and Elder **** to meet with a lady who basically just needed money (and we all knew that).

He was so gentle and sympathetic to her-he was kind and gave her a list of resources and truly was so mature in his sympathy. I was touched and impressed-this is why the Lord sends these amazing young men out-because their hearts are so tender and gentle.”

Yesterday I got another message, this time from the bishop’s wife:

“Bishop and I were so grateful to have your son and his companion in our home today on their P. Day for lunch. How blessed we were to hear their testimonies and share a meal with them. Thank you for all you have done to raise such an incredible young man to strengthen the testimonies of the Saints in our congregation and to love, share and invite non-members in our community to engage in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.”

I think all my kids are amazing. Yes, I know I’m biased, but that is one of the rights of motherhood. But when I know that others see my children’s best qualities as well, it is a confirmation that they really are good kids. It is also so good to know that my kiddos are out in the world, using their many spiritual gifts to make a difference in the lives of others and that others are watching out for them when I can’t. My heart is full tonight with conflicting emotions-sorrow and gratitude, worry and relief, distress and peace. But despite the conflagration of feelings, I know for a fact that my second son has touched the lives of many over the past six months and that he has been changed in the process. His heart has become even more tender. His testimony has been strengthened. He has developed a deep love of the scriptures. He has learned beyond a doubt that the Lord knows him and has a plan for him. In his own words, Nathan has become a lifelong convert. And the people he has met and taught and served with can see that changed heart. In fact, they have been an important part of his spiritual progression. He will never forget them. And I will always be grateful for the part they have played in his life…and the unexpected tender mercy that a picture and a word of thanks for my child have been.

Tween /ˈtwiːn/ noun : a youngster between 10 and 12 years of age, considered too old to be a child and too young to be a teenager

Years ago, when I first heard the term “tween,” I thought it was stupid. Children were kids and then they were teenagers. That was really all the terminology I needed. Of course, at that point I had never had a girl child who was in the age range of a tween. The boys were little boys and then big boys and then teenagers and that was all the age labeling they needed. But as I have watched Malia over the past six months, it has become abundantly clear that the “tween” moniker is wildly appropriate for 10- to 12-year-old girls. Malia was a little girl and then a big girl, but now she is something entirely different although she is not yet a teenager. 

The past two and a half years have seen Malia grow up faster than I would have liked. Living through a pandemic will do that to a child. We are also living in the last days and as the standards of the world have deviated increasingly from the gospel standards in which we believe, we have had to be very open and have some extremely frank conversations with all our children about the state of the world and the attitudes of many of the people in it. Add to that the fact that she is the youngest in our family by a fairly large margin and as such spends much of her time conversing with teens and adults, and she has naturally gained some early maturity in attitudes, ideas and conversational skills just by interacting with her family. 

But the past six months have held some additional changes in her interests and behaviors, the way she interacts with friends, the things that she gets excited about, etc. For instance, she is no longer playing with friends. They are hanging out. She has become much more interested in listening to music of her own choosing, mostly pop music. She is planning a group Halloween costume with her friends. She is comfortable being dropped off with her friends at a public location without having an adult act as supervisor and safety net. And as proven by her reactions at the OneRepublic concert last weekend, she has reached the “fangirling” stage. She’s eleven, so not a teen, but definitely giving me teenage girl vibes. And now I totally understand the relevance of the term “tween.”

As usual, birthdays are a multi celebration event over here and Malia’s eleventh was no exception. Post Covid we moved to a once-a-month dinner at my parents’ house, so last week Sunday was the day we frosted the cake and lit the candles for our extended family. Kevin’s mom joined us as well, which I loved. Malia chose LPS (Littlest Pet Shop) as the theme for her cake. Now you might be thinking that toys like that are definitely in the little/big girl stage but let me assure you that Malia’s love of LPS is not just as a toy. She uses “blanks,” LPS figures that have no paint, and customizes them. She sculpts additions to the blanks using an epoxy clay and then paints her new characters according to her liking. She has mainly focused on creating dragons from her favorite book series, Wings of Fire, and cats from her other favorite book series, Warrior Cats. She still enjoys the purchased animals and plays with all the purchased and created ones, but she spends far more time creating than she does just playing. AND she has taken a page out Matthew’s book and has discovered that she likes taking pictures of her creations.

Unlike last year, Malia’s friend party was not postponed because she was in quarantine. On Saturday, her friends arrived as planned and the fun ensued. We had LPS blanks and all the supplies needed to paint them and let the kids create their own animal. We played a “Who Knows the Birthday Girl the Best” test and Acie, Malia’s best friend, took high honors. We played “Name That Tune” and Kate was the maestro of that activity. There were cupcakes to be had, topped with LPS, of course. And Malia’s friends, who all know her well, were incredibly generous with their gifts. She ended up with markers, paints, sculpting clay, sketchbooks…basically a big pile of art supplies. And she was very enthusiastic about that! One additional comment, Malia was in completely in charge of creating the birthday party invitation. It definitely gives you a glimpse at her personality!

Her real birthday was today. Since today was only the third day of the school year, Malia was the very first person to celebrate a birthday in her class. As such, she was this week’s spotlight person and had only two days to create her “All About Me” poster instead of a week or more. But she rose to the challenge, and I love how it turned out. It definitely reflects her interests, her talents, and who she is.

Matthew had marching band rehearsal this evening, so Kevin and I took Malia out to dinner. She chose the Olive Garden, one of her favorite safe eateries. She has always kind of been in a food rut when we eat out, ordering either chicken fingers, spaghetti, or whatever noodle comes topped with red sauce, but this time she opted for the cheese stuffed jumbo shells and loved it. Woohoo for expanding her food choices! When I asked her what treat she wanted for her actual birthday, she asked if I would make cheesecake. Due to her peanut allergy and the propensity for purchased cheesecake to have cross contact issues, the only time she can eat cheesecake is if it is homemade, so I was happy to oblige. Besides, I’m always looking for a good excuse to make cheesecake. Yum!

Malia had originally planned to create a tiny happy birthday banner to do on her LPS cake, but she ran out of time. This morning she drew a mockup of what her original banner was going to look like and when she showed it to me, I decided a banner for the cheesecake was in order. A couple of dollars spent on Etsy.com and the use of my Silhouette craft cutter made creating one a fast and easy task, and she was mighty pleased with the results. She was also mighty pleased to eat the cheesecake as it was absolutely delicious. I have a cookbook called “The Cheesecake Bible” and I have never had a recipe from that cookbook disappoint. 

In terms of presents, Malia’s big gift from Kevin and I was her adventure to see OneRepublic a week ago. We wanted her to have a couple small things to open on her birthday though, so we got her an airtight paint palette to help extend the usability of her custom colors and a keychain she has been wanting that features one of the characters from the Warrior Cats book series. Matthew gave her a book about how to draw anything (literally, it says so in the title) and Kevin’s mom gave her some books from her wish list.

As I mentioned previously, Malia has grown up a lot in the past year. She is intelligent and curious and loves to learn. She is always asking questions and her sense of humor is on par with the rest of my children. She is the one who always knows the answers in her primary class and when they gloss over the surface and she doesn’t get to share her knowledge or pronounce names like “Ahazerus” she generally comes home with an eye roll or two. Speaking of eye rolling, she is a pro as would be expected of any good tween. She loves to draw and has a tendency to carry a sketchpad and pencil nearly everywhere she goes. She is stubborn, which has its pros and cons, and her room is still a certified disaster area. She thinks like an artist, not like her OCD mom, which also has its pros and cons. There are days when she makes me so frustrated and days when she makes me laugh and I am grateful for all of it. I feel very blessed to have her in my family.