He Knew

Anyone who has been watching the news knows that there are huge wildfires raging in Oregon right now. The plumes of smoke are massive enough that parts of the west coast are nearly as dark as night at midday. A million people have been displaced in the area of Salem, very close to where Daniel was assigned on his mission. Smoke has always been one of Daniel’s worst asthma triggers and the smoke is so bad right now that if he were in Oregon, he would be in dire straits. In his own words, shared with me this morning, he said, “The smoke would be killing me...literally.” I’m so grateful that Daniel is not in Oregon right now. He is extremely grateful as well. This morning the Lord gave me a bit of knowledge. It was like he was saying, “See? You didn’t know, but I did.” It was one of those moments when he helps me see his hand in our lives. We all acted in faith earlier this year when Daniel came home and now the Lord has given me just a glimpse of one of the reasons why he needed to come home.

Only Believe

Earlier today I was informed that my dad’s last living brother, who is 94 years old, has tested positive for Covid-19. At that point, Kev asked me how I’m doing. And honestly, I didn’t know. After some time to let things sink in, my feelings are a bit clearer. I’m not happy, of course. I’m sorrowing and worrying about my family. There is uncertainty at every turn right now. Life is fraught with anxiety about the unknown and the what if’s. But beyond that, I think I’m ok. I don’t feel panicky or freaked out. At my core, I feel peaceful. I’ve been hoping we would all come out of this unscathed, but that’s unrealistic. None of us will be the same when this particular trial passes. And while we can’t change our situation or choose what is going to happen, what we can do is choose how we respond to our challenges. We can either “curse god and die” or we can “stand in holy places and not be moved.” (D&C 45:32) During the course of my scripture study last week, I read the story of Jairus’s daughter found in the New Testament. When Jairus heard that his daughter was dead, he was understandably distraught. The Savior responded to him by counseling, “Be not afraid, only believe.” (Mark 5:36) That short sentence has been in my mind for the past week and as I have pondered on it, it has been a constant reminder that we are all in the Lord’s hands. He knows our struggles and worries, he knows our sorrows and pains, and he knows perfectly how to succor us. I’m constantly reminding my children that they were saved for these last days because the Lord knew they were strong enough to withstand the trials we would face and valiant enough to stay true to the faith despite the wickedness building all around us. But today the Spirit whispered to my heart that I was sent to the earth now for the same reason. I am strong enough. With faith in the Savior and hope of glorious blessings to come, I can not only get through it, I can be stronger at the end. And while I may not be able to fix any distressing situations for my family or all the others I love, I can allow myself to be the Savior’s hands and “succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.” (D&C 81:5) I can choose to allow my trials to strengthen my faith. I can work to “Hear Him” through the tumult of the world all around. I’m going to have hard days. We all will. But I know I’m not alone. And no matter what happens, I know the Savior is standing at my shoulder, guiding my path. Christ is my pilot. Every day of my life. And every day after that.

Motivations

When we spoke to Daniel last week, he told us that the other missionaries in his MTC district, nearly all of whom are from outside Utah, asked him what going to church is like around here. Daniel’s response was, “There are members of the church and there are followers of Christ.” To me, it seemed a very profound answer, an apt description of the way things are around here. With church members making up so much of the local population, I think it can be easy to go to church because that is what is expected of you by family, friends, neighbors, etc. rather than going because you really want to be there. As I’ve pondered on that over the past week, it has led me to an honest personal assessment of the category into which I fall. Although there are meetings that I’m definitely not overly thrilled to attend, in general, I go to church as a follower of Christ. I go because I want to be there. I go because I want to associate with and learn from the other members of my ward. I go because it reminds me that there are other people who understand the struggles I have and who support me in those struggles. I go because feeling the calm of church meetings after a crazy week gives me a renewed sense of peace as I head into another crazy week. And most of all, I go because I want to partake of the sacrament each week, renew my covenants and start each week brand new, and become just a little more Christlike in the process.

There have been times in my life when I’m not sure I was attending 100% as a follower of Christ, times when going seemed like a chore, not a privilege. I’m sure there are many people who have those times, but I can honestly say that for me, those times have been few and short lived. And as I’ve gotten older and gained a better understanding of what the gospel is all about, I find that I’m becoming more and more certain that I’m going to church for the right reasons. In fact, as I have incorporated the many new church adjustments into my life and the lives of my family members, I think I’m even more determined to be a true follower of Christ. The world is getting ever more wicked and as I watch the spiritual darkness coalesce around us, I want to surround my children with as much light as possible and arm them with sure testimony and growing conversion before I send them out into the world. And I can only do that if I’m surrounding myself with as much light as possible, arming myself with sure testimony and ever-growing conversion. Does that mean I’m perfect? A mom who never makes mistakes and has figured everything out? Not by a long shot. I have a long way to go, but the Lord has given me a tender mercy in that he’s allowed me to see who I was, how far I’ve come, and given me a glimpse of the person he wants me to become.

When I was in college at BYU, it used to make me angry to be lumped into the “Utah Mormon” category because it seemed like many members of the church from outside Utah felt like those of us raised here were only church members out of habit or expectation. I felt like they didn’t see that although growing up as a church member in Utah was easier in a variety of ways, it still had its challenges and being truly converted still required effort and conviction. For instance, when we're not faced with the need to overtly choose to live the gospel each day, not slipping into complacency can become a challenge. I’m so proud that Daniel has, in one short phrase, accurately conveyed that being a fully converted member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is always a choice no matter where you live and that simply being surrounded by other saints doesn’t automatically mean that our testimonies are of a lesser sort than saints in other parts of the world. Yes, I concede the fact that being a church member here is much easier than in many parts of the world, but when it comes right down to it, the Savior is not going to favor one soul over another because of where they lived. Every one of us is given the same opportunity to claim all the blessings of eternity and has the same responsibility to use our agency wisely. No matter where we live, every one of us has to choose to step up to the task and live as a true follower of Christ.

"You Already Know"

Yesterday I was reading something that referred to Moroni's Promise and it made me think back on my own personal "Book of Mormon conversion." (You'll have to forgive me for not knowing what I was reading. In addition to the Book of Mormon, I'm also in the middle of a book about understanding Isaiah, two issues of The Ensign, and a handful of issues of The Friend. Needless to say, my spot at the table is a big, enormous, crazy, chaotic, wonderful mess.) I'm not sure I have recorded this particular experience anywhere, mostly due to the fact that journaling at twelve is an entirely different beast from journaling at thirty-four. ("And I was like . . . And he was like . . . And her outfit was totally . . .") So being reminded of the experience, I thought I would take the chance to write it down, and in doing so, share it will all of you.

When I was twelve, all my friends were in the midst of discovering that the Book of Mormon is true. Every Sunday in church, someone different would share their experience, usually while crying the tears of the newly converted. These experiences were of the overwhelming, life changing type. And I would sit and listen and wonder what I was doing wrong because I didn't have any big, wonderful experiences to share.

After a while, I determined to really and truly focus on knowing if the Book of Mormon was true. If I needed to have one of those wondrous experiences in order to know, I wanted to have it. So one day I brought the question to the Lord. The answer I received was immediate, very clear, and much simpler than I had ever expected. There were no burning bushes, no thinning of veils, no overwhelming of mind and body. The answer was simply, "You already know."

Over the years, that simple and concise answer has become a pattern in my life. On numerous days of life-changing decision (such as which college to attend, whether to go on a mission or continue my schooling, whether Kev was the one I should marry), the answer has been exactly the same: "You already know."

In retrospect, I learned three very important things that day when I was twelve. First, I learned that spiritual experiences are not "one size fits all." These experiences are as varied as the individuals to whom they come. Second, I learned that by trying to live every day in accordance with the gospel, the Spirit is in fact guiding me, whispering to me, directing me every day of my life. He is my constant companion, not just a visitor on those all important "days of asking." Third, I learned that the Lord trusts me much more than I trust myself. By telling me that I already know the answer, the Lord is assuring me that I've kept Him in mind all along and that I'm on the right path. He doesn't doubt me, but I frequently doubt myself. What better reminder not to second guess myself than to tell me that I actually do know what I'm doing and that my choices are okay?

"Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." (Alma 37:6)