A Multitude of Tender Mercies

Do you ever have days when the weight of the world seems just a little bit heavier? When you can’t seem to cope as well as normal? When the light of the Savior seems just a little bit more distant? When the adversary is working extra hard to influence you? Around here, we call those dark days. Yesterday was a dark day for me, the first I’ve had in the midst of this whole Coronavirus crisis. In fact, it’s the first I’ve had in a really long time. It made for a rough day, especially because I didn’t recognize it for what is was until late in the day. And from the perspective that I have now, I don’t think it was accidental. I think it was an attempt to muddle my mind and spirit as much as possible on a day when there was an important decision to be made.

Yesterday afternoon, amidst my funk, Daniel’s mission president called. What he told me is that the reason we’ve been on such an emotional rollercoaster is because they have been getting different directives every day. I completely understand that. We’ve seen the same trend. Conditions in the world are changing so quickly that the church, and everyone else, is doing all it can to keep up. The mission president told me that he thought they finally had the conclusive word on how it would be determined which missionaries would be going home for health reasons. All missionaries with health conditions, regardless of the severity of their condition, are considered high risk. As such, everyone’s highest priority is to keep them safe and healthy. Then I was told that the decision was in our hands. I told the mission president that Kevin and I would counsel with Daniel, he gave us permission to call Daniel, and left his phone number with me so we could let him know when we had come to a decision. He said there was no hurry.

At that point, I waited for Kevin to finish up a video meeting (having him working from home has been good for my mental health this past week) and then caught him up on what had happened. We reached out to Daniel and my first impression was that his state of mind was enormously better than it had been the day before. His companion had given him a blessing, he had prayed, pondered and studied, and his mind was much clearer. We asked him how he was and basically, he had received his confirmation from the Lord that if he ended up going home, the work he had done, his offering as a missionary, had been enough. With that, he was a bit more at peace concerning the will I stay or will I go situation. We told him about the mission president’s call, and we decided to take some time to pray and consider and talk again a few hours later. Kevin counseled Daniel to call the mission president himself and seek his guidance on the matter.

Daniel did call the mission president and then called us back only a few minutes later. Although we had been told there was no rush, realistically, the president needed a decision by noon the following day. That kind of ramped up our stress level because suddenly, we had a time limit. We left Daniel to think and pray and went to talk to our other kids. We explained the situation and asked for their help as we sought to find the right answer. After some prayer and a priesthood blessing to help me clear my mind and get out from under the darkness that I was feeling, Kevin and I stepped into our room to discuss our impressions. The thing that had come clearly to my mind was the first bullet point of our family motto. (Yes, we have a family motto. How that came to be is a whole different story however, so I’ll save it for another day.) It says we “follow the prophets.” I knew that was my answer because although the decision had been placed in our hands, the prophet had asked that any missionaries with health conditions be sent home regardless of the severity. Kevin’s answer came in the form of the fact that in his mind’s eye, he could not see Daniel in Oregon in the fall. The only place he could see Daniel was at school. Just as soon as Kevin had explained his impression, my phone buzzed, and it was a text from Daniel. “Have you had any thoughts?” Don’t try to tell me that is coincidental. The Spirit obviously works over great distances. We asked if he did and he responded in the affirmative but told us he wasn’t ready to talk yet but was just curious.

A few hours later, as we neared the appointed time to talk with Daniel and after the other kids had gone to bed, Matthew crept out of bed and came to tell us that he had woken up and had a feeling that Daniel should come home. We thanked him for sharing his impression and a few minutes later, we linked up with Daniel again. We asked for his impressions first and he told us two things. First, he talked to his mission president and the president said something that got him thinking about obedience to the prophet. The prophet said all those with health concerns should come home. The second thing he shared was that looking forward, he couldn’t see himself as a missionary anymore. His conclusion was that he felt he should come home. He felt fulfilled as a missionary. Kevin and I then shared our impressions and we confirmed the suspicion that the promptings we had all been given had occurred at pretty much the same time. At that point, the decision was pretty much made, but this was a big decision, so we opted to sleep on it, pray a bit more, give ourselves a few hours to ruminate, and talk again the next day.

Earlier today, as we were getting ready to talk to Daniel once more, I asked Nathan if he had any thoughts concerning the matter. He told me that he really felt fine with Daniel either staying in Oregon or coming home. He then went on to say that while he didn’t see Daniel’s asthma as really being serious, if the prophets said that all those who had health issues should come home, shouldn’t we follow the prophet? I almost laughed out loud at that point. The Lord has most definitely heard our prayers and we had all been given the insights we needed.

When Kevin and I spoke to Daniel again, we all confirmed that our thoughts had not changed overnight. Daniel called the mission president and when he explained the choice that had been made and the reasons why, the president referred him to Official Declaration 1 in the D&C which states the Lord will never let the prophet lead anyone astray. The decision officially made and reported, Daniel called us one last time. There was sadness in his face, and he admitted to feeling sorrow at the thought that his mission will be officially over in just a few short days, but he is also at peace. He has received his personal confirmation from the Lord that not only is this the right choice, but what he has offered in his six months was enough. He says he feels fulfilled as a missionary. He shared an impression he had, and I think it was the turning point from grief at coming homing home early and that calmer disappointment mixed with the knowledge that the Lord has another plan for him. “When people talk about a sacrifice to the Lord, they often mean something that they gave up to serve a mission. I’ve never thought of a mission as something to sacrifice to the Lord until now.”

It took only a few hours to get his travel information. Daniel will return home on April 1. He will need to self-isolate for 14 days, but we had a completely unexpected and gratefully accepted offer from some beloved neighbors to let him spend his two weeks in the mother-in-law apartment in their basement. It has its own entrance as well as its own bathroom and a full kitchen which will make his confinement much more pleasant than it would be in one 8’ ft square bedroom in our house. It will also not put our wonderful neighbors at risk. I don’t know if they fully understand just how much this means to me, but I love them all the more for the great service they are doing for us. They will surely be blessed for their generosity and their willingness to minister.

We have seen many tender mercies in the past few days. The Lord is aware of us and our needs and he gave us all the guidance and discernment we needed to be able to make the right choice. It was a difficult decision, one of those that was between a good thing and a better one when we didn’t know which was which in the Lord’s eyes. It has left me feeling humbled and so grateful for the light and knowledge I have in my life. It has shown me great love and concern he has for each of us. And it has left me feeling so grateful for the spiritual maturity that Daniel has gained in his few short months in the mission field. He hit his six-month mark yesterday. He’s grateful for the time he was given, short as it was. Yes, there is still sadness and disappointment. He only served in one small city. He never got to see any other parts of the mission or any of the wonderful things the state itself has to offer. He never got to teach a family. He never had the opportunity to baptize anyone. But the number of converts does not determine the measure of a missionary and Daniel knows that. As I’ve said before, he has made his peace with the decision. My mama heart is still sad for the experiences he will never have, but that’s for me to take to the Lord. With time, I suspect that will fade. As for the future, Daniel is excited to see what work the Lord has for him next. What an amazing attitude. I love his sense of optimism and his willingness to be where the Lord wants him to be. In short, he knows that he must be about his Father’s business. And he is happy and willing to do so.

A Reminder for Matthew: The Lord Knows You, Understands Your Needs and Loves You More Than You Can Comprehend

The last post was a reminder for me and this one is a reminder for Matthew. At some point he is going to wonder if the Lord really knows what he is going through or if the Lord hears his prayers or even cares. I want to be able to remind him of an experience the two of us had that will let him know that the Lord really does know and care.

A few weeks ago Matthew quit eating. He would have a couple of bites of cereal for breakfast and a few bites of dinner, all usually under great duress. He came home from school with his lunch box still completely full. As is normal, after a few days of this, his appetite decreased and the problem became a vicious cycle. He had no energy, was tired all the time and had a slightly grey pallor to his face. He was unhappy and became overemotional at the drop of a hat. He was yelling and screaming at everyone. It was bad enough that when I made a doughnut for him and took it to school for his Halloween party that he didn’t even want that. I knew something was wrong but simply could not discover what it was. Honestly, I don’t think that Matthew even knew what was wrong. After a couple of weeks, I was getting worried. Kev and I tried to talk to him, tried to make him eat, but we could not figure out what was going on. We were concerned enough that I had decided that if we could not figure out what was going on I was going to employ the aid of other trusted adults in his life and see if they could get any useful information out of him. Other than that, our only plan was to pray, which we did.

A few days after that, I was helping Matthew with his homework when all of a sudden I realized that I was asking him a question. It was not something I had thought about in advance, there were just words coming out of my mouth all of a sudden that had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation we had been having. The question was, “Do you sit with friends at lunch or by yourself?” Right away Matthew told me that he doesn’t sit with friends but that they moved the food allergy table at school and now a bunch of hot lunch kids come and sit by him. Because I know him so well, I knew immediately that this was the root of the problem. Food is a scary thing to Matthew because of all his allergies and being surrounded by kids who are eating stuff he knows he is allergic to is a source of great stress. So I reminded him that as long as he doesn’t eat their food he will be fine. I also told him that none of the hot lunches at our school ever have any peanuts in them. (Peanut is Matthew’s worst allergy.) He responded, with a bit of wonder in his voice, “Oh, I didn’t know that.” Right away I saw his countenance lighten a little bit.

The next morning he asked for a huge breakfast. I gave it to him and he ate almost all of it. He came home from school with an empty lunchbox, a spring in his step, some color in his cheeks and the normal twinkle in his eye. As he continued to eat regularly, I was relieved beyond what I can express.

Yesterday I was reading through the conference edition of the Ensign preparing a visiting teaching lesson. I had decided to give my lesson from Elder Eyring’s talk entitled“To My Grandchildren.” The basic gist of the talk is that we can have happiness in family life by keeping the first two commandments. When we love the Lord, love others and live so that our choices reflect that love, the Holy Ghost will guide us to help us make choices and solve problems in our families so that we can be happy. It is a fabulous talk. As I was re-reading the talk, I suddenly realized exactly what had happened when Matthew and I were able to figure out why he wasn’t eating. It hadn’t occurred to me that the Holy Ghost was giving me the help I needed either because I’m super dense or because I’m so accustomed to those little helps that it didn’t seem out of the normal for me. I prefer to think it is the latter, but it could very possibly be the previous reason. Anyway, it was one of those moments when I was reminded that the Lord knows exactly what we need and he helps us in his own way.

So for Matthew: He loves a little six year old food allergy kid so much that he put words in the mouth of that child’s mom so that between the two of them they could figure out what was wrong and work together to solve the problem. It was an answer to a heartfelt prayer. He knows exactly what you are going through and he loves that you deal with your struggles with courage and faith. He won’t ever leave you to deal with life’s trials alone if you ask for his help. And he has promised you that someday your body will be perfect and you will be able to have a big bowl of ice cream, just like everyone else.

No matter where or when you need this reminder, it is still true. Just ask your mom. She knows.