Painting for Dummies

Art is not my forte. During my school years I always did well with straight up perspective drawings because they are all straight lines done with a ruler, but as soon as I was asked to add a tree or a bush to my straight road with a picket fence or add people to my square city blocks, I was done for. I can do a pretty convincing stick figure, but other than that, my artistic endeavors are laughable. I can paint crafts, but when it comes to straight up drawing or painting likenesses of anything, I’m pretty abysmal. It’s bad enough that when I was teaching school, my fourth graders used to make fun of me:

Me: {trying to draw something convincing on the chalkboard}

Students: Teacher, what is that?

Me: A dog.

Students: No, it’s not! It’s a marshmallow on a stick!

Me: {not even a little bit offended} Yeah, well, I do my best. {chuckle}

With that bit of background information, you will understand that I was pretty reluctant to participate when my relief society had a painting night. They assured us that anyone could do it, but still, when 9-year-olds laugh at your skills, you really have to face the fact that you are not an artist. However, I was saved from humiliation by the big old headache I had that evening. I would have preferred to be joking about my lack of artistic prowess with the ladies in the ward, but it was not to be. However, there were supplies left over after the activity and when offered to any who had not been able to attend, I actually decided to take advantage of that offer. Because I could give it a try and if it turned out horrible, at least I would have something to keep me entertained for a while, right?

But guess what? Turns out even I can paint by number. 😂 I created my masterpiece during conference this past weekend and I’m actually pretty pleased with the result. And now that it is done, you can’t even see the little numbers that led to my success. 😜

All is Well

Today, I’m going to start with a story. I am on the email list for Havenlight Art, one of the local companies that prints and sells art created by a lot of the local artists who are members of the church. It is one email list I choose to stay on because I enjoy seeing new art that is available and honestly, I love getting a dose of Jesus in my inbox once a week or so! Way back in December, the week before Christmas, (Yes, I know that was less than four months ago. These past several months have been hard and have seemed so, so long.) I got an email that included an image of the Savior that I had not seen previously. I really liked it and kept the email rather than deleting it. After pulling that email up every day for over a week, I decided I should probably just buy a print. There was a sale happening that lowered the cost of framed art a bit, so I ordered a framed piece to hang as well as prints to give my kiddos at Easter. 

As for what drew me to this particular image, I think it was the way the red robes were rendered. Rather than being a field of solid red, they are painted in lines that to my eye, are reminiscent of dripping blood. In some instances, that would end up being a gory picture, but in this case, it just reminded me deeply of the love that the Savior has for us, for me, and the fact that He willingly shed those drops of blood on our behalf. Over the years, as my life experiences have expanded and my relationship with the Savior has deepened, I have become more and more aware of just how much love went into His atonement, and just how amazing His gift is. Life is hard sometimes, a fact that has been made all too real for my family and me over the past month, and through it all, He is there, extending his great love and mercy to every one of us.

About a year and a half ago, I happened across a conference talk that I didn’t remember although I’m certain I heard it. In it there was a quote that changed the way I view the atonement. Elder Merrill J. Bateman said:

For many years I thought of the Savior’s experience in the garden and on the cross as places where a large mass of sin was heaped upon Him. Through the words of Alma, Abinadi, Isaiah, and other prophets, however, my view has changed. Instead of an impersonal mass of sin, there was a long line of people, as Jesus felt “our infirmities” (Hebrews 4:15), “[bore] our griefs, … carried our sorrows … [and] was bruised for our iniquities” (Isaiah 53:4–5). The Atonement was an intimate, personal experience in which Jesus came to know how to help each of us.

I love that idea of each of us standing in line, each of us having our moment in front of Jesus when He looked at us, knew us and suffered in that moment for each of us specifically. I love the idea that He looked at my face, knew my fears and my sorrows and my sins and frustrations and worries and griefs and that one of those drops of blood was shed just for me.  This idea has changed the way I view the atonement, and it has strengthened my ties to Jesus Christ. And this particular picture reminded me of that one drop of blood that had my name on it. 

Today is Easter and as such, the reality of Christ’s atonement and resurrection have been at the forefront of my mind not just today, but over the past weeks as I’ve studied and learned and worked to wrap my brain around some of the harsh realities of life that have been placed before me. This weekend is also General Conference, and I feel like that has been a theme throughout conference as well. There have been so many talks about how the Savior is always there for us and that as we turn to Him, He will strengthen us and lift us and encourage us and bring us joy amidst the challenges of mortality as well as even greater joy in the day of resurrection. It has been such a needed balm to my soul. Some of my favorite thoughts are that a heartfelt prayer for peace will be answered (Henry B. Eyring), we never have to walk our mountain alone (Brian J. Holmes), and no matter how bad things are now, your best days are ahead (Emily Belle Freeman). I know that when we go in with a receptive heart and a willingness to learn, the Lord will teach us in very personal ways. And I feel like I received the spiritual reinforcement I need to be able to keep moving forward with faith.

With how serious and heavy things have been of late, I find myself being more intentional about focusing on the good. I’m looking for those little things that bring joy every day and I’m allowing myself to feel that joy even though there are serious things in the back of my mind all the time right now. So, with that in mind, there were a few silly things in my kids’ Easter baskets along with their prints of the image of Christ I have already written about. They each had some Easter egg and Easter bunny rubber ducks, because everyone knows that we need more rubber ducks around here. (Still five more to find from Christmas…) There were also some wind-up hopping Easter eggs which remind Malia of the eggs in Rise of the Guardians. And my favorite “just because it’s funny” basket stuffer was some Dr. Pepper flavored marshmallow Peeps. Malia’s response upon smelling and tasting them was, “That’s not right.” Because the flavor and aroma were exactly like Dr. Pepper, but the texture was definitely not. 😂 

Nathan and Malia were the only ones home this Easter, which while quiet, is beginning to feel a bit more normal. And Malia (almost) always appreciates having one of her brothers here. The exception to that is when Nathan tries to steal her food. Because not only are her holiday candy options a bit more limited due to the peanut allergy, but even when she was a tiny thing, she would share anything with her brothers except her food. That was where she drew the line. And as a youngest child with three older brothers, I feel like she was so smart that way. 😜 Anyway, Nathan teased her as she defended her nut free chocolate treats and today their whole good-natured bantering made me smile. It’s the little things, right?

One of the highlights of the day was an unexpected call from Matthew this evening. We did not know that he would get to call home for Easter, so it was a wonderful surprise! I think it was good for him too, because his mission president was called to be a general authority seventy during the morning session of conference yesterday which means that he will be leaving his calling as a mission president a full year earlier than expected. Matthew was planning on having the same mission president for all but his very last transfer, so this is a big change that has the mission in a bit of a hubbub this weekend. The mission president had a zoom meeting with all the missionaries last night to give them all some info about timing and what info he has, which is not much. The new mission president has been called although they don’t know who it is yet, and he will begin serving on July 1. Until the announcement yesterday morning, only the current mission president and his wife and the church leaders who had called him knew about this change. The mission president has two children still living at “home,” and even they didn’t know until yesterday. So big surprise for almost everyone.

Matthew is feeling a bit stressed about this upcoming change. Transfers are also this week, and there is a very serious rumor that Matthew will be training a brand-new missionary, so he is also feeling a bit anxious about that as well. Hopefully having a few minutes to chat with Kevin and I have helped reassure him that he really is capable and prepared to be a trainer and that while having a new mission president will definitely bring changes, it will also bring blessings. The Lord knows who He needs as well as where and when He needs them, so this is not a coincidence or a mistake. It is a part of the Lord’s plan for the current president and his family, the new president, the mission, and the missionaries. 

I feel like the big takeaway from this conference is that everything centers on Jesus Christ. And when we put him at the center of our lives, we are capable of much more than we are on our own. As life continues to bring us challenges, as I know it will, I hope that I will not just remember that lesson, but that I can live it. And I think that is one of the big challenges of mortality-to actually live what we profess to believe, to keep moving forward with faith in Jesus Christ. But if we can do that, if we can endure as Elder Bednar taught in this conference, in the end, all will be well. As the historic hymn says, “Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear; but with joy wend your way.” I feel like that should be my motto for this next six months-come to Christ, fear not what the future may bring, and find joy in the journey, for all is well.

Another Ending

Over the past four years, Nathan has been taking organ lessons at USU. It is one of those things that he does for the joy, not because he needs the credits to graduate. During that time, we have been able to drive to Logan to attend a number of his end of semester organ recitals. Yesterday was another trip north to attend Nathan’s last on-campus organ recital. He does get to play at Temple Square one more time and he is doing a mini senior recital of his very own a couple weeks after graduation so we aren’t done listening him play some big organs, but it was the last opportunity to meet his teachers and give a big thank you to them for helping him develop a skill that makes him so very happy. It was also an opportunity to take all our college kiddos to dinner and spend some time with them. Neither Daniel nor Nathan have full-time jobs yet, but I know that they are looking all over and will go where the work takes them. That means our short jaunts up to visit them may very well become long drives that necessitate taking vacation time. So, it was nice to be able to spend a few hours will all my crew sans Matthew. Of course, once Matthew gets home, there will be reasons for Logan trips again, but by then the others will likely be elsewhere…

Hoppy Easter!

I neglected to make green pancakes for St. Patrick’s Day because my mind was on other, far more serious things. And because sometimes a little whimsy brings a smile to my face, I thought some adorable Easter themed pancakes were in order. The fact that they were carrot cake pancakes with cream cheese syrup made it feel just a little bit like I was eating dessert for breakfast, so this meal filled an emotional eating niche as well. And gave us a serving of veggies while filling our bellies. I love it when breakfast is a serious multitasker. 😂

Way Down Under the Ground

Malia has been counting down to today since about five minutes after the Benson Boone concert ended in the fall. Why, you may ask? Because the other half of her birthday/Christmas present was tickets to see the Broadway touring company production of “Hadestown,” her favorite stage show. She saw a jr. version production at a local high school a year-ish ago and really enjoyed it. She has been listening to the soundtrack on loop. And after waiting for months and months, today was finally the day. We went out to lunch on the way to the theater, so by the time we arrived she was all hopped up on anticipation and Dr. Pepper. And what does that mean, you may also ask? It means that she was talking even faster than normal, approx. five million words a minute and was so, so funny. Rachael and Esther also had tickets to the show (Shoutout to Seth for inviting us to take advantage of his season ticketholder status!) and they normally don’t get to see Malia like this, so she gave them something to giggle about. 

Both Esther and I had seen this show previously (I took Matthew to see it about three years ago), but Rachael was going in blind. She had never even listened to the music and purchased a ticket based on the rave reviews of family members. At intermission I asked her what she thought and she literally had no words. She just loved it. So good day for all of us, and we definitely need some of those right now! 

And as a final comment, even though the story has not changed and I still know exactly how it is going to end every single time, I still found myself hoping that it just might be different this time around. And that’s the power of a well written and beautifully executed show. 

And as a final, final comment, Malia was making jokes about going to Hell the entire drive downtown. 😂

(And now that I’ve given my final comments, here are a few thoughts from Malia.)

Hadestown. We went to hell. I’m kidding. Sort of. I was waiting for that for MONTHS. LITERALLY MONTHS. It was so worth the wait though, that’s for sure- the cast that they had was fantastic and the story is truly amazing. You can tell it’s a good show when you hope it turns out differently this time even though you know it won’t… that is some FIRE musical writing. OKAY BUT I STARTED CRYING WHEN HADES AND PERSEPHONE DANCED. CURSE YOU GENETICS >:(

Final, final, FINAL comment, I promise...see what I mean about the Hell jokes? 🤣

Quote of the Day

 Malia: “Have you ever microwaved blue tape?”

Sugar Cookie Success

I know that switching from talk about cancer and the blessings of eternity to a big essay on cookies might seem like emotional whiplash, but I know that I need to keep moving forward and keep looking for the good even when there are incredible hardships happening with my family that are accompanied by what at times feels like an almost overwhelming amount of distress and grief. Writing helps me process my emotions, so I suspect there will be more deeply introspective posts coming. I also know that there is joy to be found and that I will be writing about special events and graduations and cooking experimentation and pancakes and so on and so on. Life is full of ups and downs and if I only focus on one or the other, this won’t really be an accurate reflection of me and the life of my family. So, buckle up. There is going to be some emotional whiplash. I have no idea what the future holds, but I can guarantee that there will be both good and bad. 

Having said that, let’s talk about cookies. 

When it comes to a cookie that absolutely depends on butter/margarine to be at its very best, the first one that comes to mind is the classic sugar cookie. There is no brown sugar to cover up the shortcomings of your choice of fat and no chocolate chips to make them a decadent delight. They don’t have a bunch of citrus zest to elevate the flavor. And at their most basic, no frosting to provide a burst of sweetness that can make just an ok cookie feel like a winner. The wrong consistency can lead to spreading which ruins the shape of your cutouts. And for anyone who has ever choked down a hard, dry sugar cookie so as not to offend the chef, you know that texture and moisture level are key elements that can’t be ignored. Basically, the perfect sugar cookie is kind of like the holy grail of cookies. Each chef has their own idea of exactly what a sugar cookie should be, and like many others before me, I spent years testing recipes until I found one that produced a cookie that had all the elements I like best-super soft, with a delicate texture, moist and able to hold their shape when baked. 

So, when it came to testing the homemade plant butter, I knew I needed to pull out my family’s most loved sugar cookie recipe. I always chill my sugar cookie dough overnight, so on Wednesday evening I whipped up a tiny batch to be baked yesterday. In the process of doing so, I made a mental note to add just a bit of color to the plant butter next time. As it was, when I creamed my butter and sugar together, it looked exactly like mashed potatoes, which was, in all honesty, a bit off putting. Other than that, the dough acted and felt exactly like it always does. After chilling, it felt a bit stiffer than normal, but it rolled out easily and cut nicely. I think I baked them about a minute too long as they were just a bit drier than I like, but overall, it was a huge success. I know that I’m pickier than most of my crew, so when I say they were drier, I mean that they were fully baked while I generally like mine just a tad shy of all the way done. Other than that, they held their shape well and were still soft and tender. They tasted great and the texture was exactly the same as with the Nucoa. I was quite surprised and totally thrilled with the outcome.

With a trial run completed with great success, I mixed up a full batch so that I can send some super cute Easter cookies to my missionary. I baked them this afternoon and shortening the bake time by 1 minute brought the cookies in at exactly the right texture. Total win. 

Next trial? Pie crust. In a few weeks I will have to break out the pie pans and see how the plant butter performs in my favorite part butter/part Crisco pie crust recipe.

Let me wrap this up with one more plant butter related comment. I used the homemade plant butter on the griddle when I made pancakes this morning. I wanted to see how it performed in a direct heat, let the butter melt kind of a situation. End result? It worked great. It didn’t separate, kept the pancakes from sticking to the griddle, and tasted just fine. That’s two wins for today. And after the past several weeks, this little success has been a much-needed positive development.

And now for the super real paragraph

I’m going to take a page out of Matthew’s book and get real for a minute here. The past few weeks have been very difficult for me. In terms of serious illness or loss of loved ones, I feel like I have lived a fairly charmed life up to this point. Yes, I’ve had relatives pass away, but they have been in their twilight years with a good, long life behind them. It is a part of life, one that we all experience. But having my baby sister diagnosed with cancer was a blow. She’s young, only forty-three, and it was completely unexpected. Today, we discovered that there is cancer in her bones in multiple locations, which makes it inoperable and changes the treatment and possible prognosis. And all day, the thought that has been running through my mind is that these are the kinds of experiences that make us ask if what we believe is true. 

As for me, I can answer that question with an unequivocable yes. I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t know all the whys, and I most certainly don’t know what is ahead, but what I do know is that the Lord has all those answers and all I need is to trust Him with all my grief and all my uncertainty and all my fear. And don’t think that is an easy task. It most certainly isn’t. But it is the only way that I am going to be able to walk this path with even a measure of peace.

There have been some hard days, and I know that there will be harder ones ahead. But in the midst of that, there have been a multitude of tender mercies as well. Everything from the checkout lady at Sprouts being super-duper nice to me all the way to a moment of complete and utter peace and calm that I know was a gift from the Lord. I have shed a bucket of tears and at the end of that, found some clarity of mind and some conviction that I know I’m going to need. I know there will be more tears ahead, but sometimes the ability to weep is a gift and I know that there are many people in my life who will weep with me. Stake conference was last Sunday, and it seems like the entire second hour was tailored specifically to my needs. We were reminded to be still, to take time for God in our lives and that by doing so, we will be better able to see his hand in our lives. We were counseled to look for the rays of light and revelation when it seems that we aren’t receiving the pillars of light we so hope and pray for, and again, to look for and recognize the Lord’s hand in our lives. And above all, we were reminded that SUNDAY ALWAYS COMES for those who follow Jesus.

And that’s the biggest blessing we all hope to find, isn’t it? That after all the pain and toil and grief and infuriating unfairness life throws at us, the most magnificent reward, one that we can only barely begin to truly understand now, is waiting for us out of the unquantifiable grace and mercy of our Savior. Not only is He waiting at the finish line for all of us, but He is also here right now offering to walk us right up to that line. All He asks is that we choose to walk with Him. And when we do, He will “also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.” (Mosiah 24:14)

Like I said before, I know there are more hard days ahead for me and my family. And I know that I’m going to have days when I don’t know how to bear the burden. But I don’t have to carry it alone. That’s the other glorious gift. Jesus Christ has already carried it for every one of us. He knows exactly what we are feeling and exactly how to help us. He will never leave us. There will likely be moments when I need someone to remind me of these truths, but yes, I really do believe everything that I’ve learned from the time I was a tiny child. I have had far too many experiences that can’t be explained in any other way. And that faith, and the love and support of all those around me, is what is going to bring light to unavoidable dark days ahead.